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  • Simba Hates You
    Kaydi Chou
    7 Jun 2005

    One of humanity's greatest problems is the idea that it's the center of the universe. People constantly focus on themselves and forget the idea that the world doesn't care about people. If anything, it hates the Homo Sapien race. The unfortunate thing is that we're so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't see this.

    I mean, say the human race died off right now. RIGHT NOW. Do you think the whales would care? Or the dolphins? What about the penguins or the ostriches or the pandas? They wouldn't care at all! If anything, they'd probably throw a huge animal kingdom party just to celebrate our absence. I can see it now; the sea turtles would rejoice at being able to pop out their eggs without freaks sticking cameras in their faces. And birds wouldn't have to worry about getting hit by cars, and squirrels could roam wherever the heck they wished. You know, put their acorns wherever they wanted and not have to worry about some stupid contractor digging up all their hardwork.

    But it's not just the animal kingdom that would be relieved. I'm pretty sure Mother Earth herself would be pretty darn skippy too. I mean, I'm not about to go and preach about people dumping all sorts of crap into her rivers or polluting her dirt with our processed and reprocessed bull. But I will mention that she doesn't really seem to care for us in the first place. I mean, if you think about, she's actually kind of pissed at us.

    Look at all the natural disasters. Think they're happening because it's "natural" ? Heck no! They're happening because Mother Nature is freaking pissed! That's right. She's flaming angry at you and me, kid, and there's nothing we can do about it.

    And I don't mean to make light of the natural disasters- just the opposite, actually. Because if we think about it, how does the damage Mother Nature does to our species compare to the damage we do to her? Tearing a hole in her ozone layer, digging deep into her for minerals to cause the ozone rip, killing off her animals with some to near extinction- I mean, if you think about, she's just evening the odds.

    I don't think it's a matter of making light of terrible natural disasters. I think it's more of a matter of people making light of unnatural ones that we've caused.

    And you know what else? No matter what we do, we can't prevent natural stuff from happening. And I don't just mean disasters. I mean storms and tides and just the natural circle of Life.

    Yeah, I know you're humming that Circle of Life song to yourself right now. I hear you.

    You die, and I bet Simba would have a party. Because that means you turn into grass. And more grass means more food for the antelope. And more food for the antelope means more antelope. And you know what that means.

    Simba's not going hungry.

    Shoot. If I were Simba, I'd go and pop a cap into a whole bunch of people right now.

    But if you think about it yet AGAIN, he'd still just be getting even. "This is for my second cousin you killed off last week! And this is for my other uncle you have sitting in your living room! Take this, punk!"


    And that's the Circle of Life.

    That's right. Keep humming.

    But like I was saying, other stuff doesn't wait for people either. The Night doesn't wait for Man to say "fall" and the Day doesn't wait for Man to say "Rise." It just does it. You could stand on Pride Rock all day and stare into that gorgeous sunset, telling it to be day again, and you wouldn't have done jack squat. That's when Simba would pop a cap into your fat McDonald's butt and say, "That's for being stupid."

    And people really are stupid. We are such an egocentric race. Like, we think all these cars and all this technology is really gonna mean something in the end. But in the end, there's only death.

    That's right, folks. Once again, Mother Nature gets the best of us. And sometimes, we help her along. Car accidents anybody? Heart disease because we're shoving globules of dripping fat from burgers into our mouths? Or how we don't exercise and just sit all day watching TV?

    We're just stupid.

    If Man really wanted to smarten up, we'd just get rid of all this "elevated species" nonsense right now. We'd go back to living on the land, growing our own food, and running around chasing buffalo. We'd learn to take pride in the work we really put in, and we'd come to realize that Life isn't about having a nice car or house or even just living comfortably. It's about knowledge and being able to provide for the people that you love based on physical work that you do. I mean, how many people know the joy of being able to say, "Last night I fed my family all-natural corn I grew myself along with buffalo stew my wife made from scratch." Now THAT is saying something.

    Which is cooler? "I kill my own buffalo" or "I work at a desk all day"?

    But I do think that knowledge is really important too. Because I think that even if we do go and start hunting and gathering and all that stuff, we should still have some sort of educational system. I mean, knowledge is important. People being educated is important. I don't think there should be a grading system or competition to see who can memorize what the best, but I do think that kids should be made to learn fundamental stuff. And people who want to should be able to continue in their studies. Knowledge is good, you know? No one likes stupid people. Especially Mother Earth.

    Anyway, that's all I've got. Go out and learn something. Grow some tomatoes. And don't piss any lions off or they might put a cap in you.