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Yearn for Purpose
Alex Rehmar
13 Mar 2005
Again it gets late. The sun has gone down, and like the world as i see it, a shadow crawls over my thoughts. What, if anything, is my reason? What is the meaning of my actions? Do I or they have a meaning or purpose? I wish desperately that I could know what it is to feel as though I have a purpose. Even if not to truly have one, but only to feel it. Then at least some part of my mind would be at ease and I could return to a state of apathetic quasi-happiness and aloofness. I steer through the dark alleys of my mind probing for any subtle hint of a point. Shrouded in a hazy fog nothing can be found, but I continue searching, hopelessly, helplessly. I try to get myself to think of something else, but I'm brought repeatedly back to what initially incurred this state. Why?
What am I missing? Is there someone that I must find to fill this chasm? Perhaps something. Anything will do, so long as it makes me feel like there is some reason for me to be. I do not want God. I do not care for Jesus, Moses, Muhammed, Shiva, or Buddha. I could care less what a run of the mill belief structure has to give me. What I am searching for seems unteachable, and unlearnable. It seems from here, that the only way it is to be noticed at all is through the absence of the feelign which has, at this time, engulfed my consciousness.
I feel that I can only be completed by another being. The touch of a person is necessary in healing the wound which bleeds these depressing thoughts on me. However, i find that while soemtimes i crave human contact, love, or attention. Almost equally as often, i am disgusted by people. Humanitiy as a whole seems to be spiraling ever downward. Times like these i just wish that i could be alone. As far from the taint of society as i can, in a secluded place where thought is the only action, and the only truth is the conclusion of the thoughts.
Looking back, I don't even know why it was that I sat down and wrote this. I feel better to an extent, and seem to have grown thoroughly convoluted and lost any point or train of thought i might have had at the beginning of this. So I guess I'll leave it here and get back to doing nothing.
who knows? not me
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