2 Sep 2006
A few days ago i cut out a piece of mine own heart and generated a ghastly yet, in appearance, subtle wound. Since the birth of this wound it has bled profusely and causes a constant and unwavering ache that cannot be stopped by any medicine that i have yet discovered. The initial pain, though great holds no weight in comparison to the continuous pain caused by the bleeding.
That piece of my heart wanders near and far and comes close enough to touch but never close enough to be reattached. Every time it comes near the wound feels less sore and the bleeding slows and nearly congeals, but then that oh so missed portion of my being strays again and the wound is opened fresh, bleeding furiously and leaving me drained to near emptiness.
It dawns on me that even though it feels like all that it would take in the world to make me happy is to have that piece of my heart back i wonder what it is that my heart desires for its self. What secret wants and needs does it feel for its own personal satisfaction and do they intersect with, or more importantly, override the desires of what is left of me. If mine heart chooses a path that leads elsewhere than where my own path leads, then should i really attempt to change the path of my heart's choice?
Perhaps it would be best then to stem the flow of blood and allow the wound to heal as best it can. And if that be the case then that open space for the missing piece will always be left vacant for the missing piece to return. And though mine heart may never again be whole it will always know the joy that is felt through wholeness and the pain that inevitably walks hand in hand with separation and the lack of oneness.
Though perhaps miserable, the lack of entirity may prove to be a valuable learning experience. What does one do when one's heart is no longer one piece? The world does not cease to revolve merely to alleviate the anguish of a sole individual, so what can one do but learn to cope with and accept the pain. It will never be easy to come to terms with the pain and it will always be resented but it stands to reason that it will become a teacher of great import and will help to shape the path along which one's life flows.
Through time the wound will progress along the natural path of healing and the pain will slowly dull down to an almost unnoticed ping, only really felt when the pressure is applied to the wound. Even given that the pressure may cause slight bruising or bleeding from the old wound, it will also produce euphoric memories of the wholeness that was once felt there, and those memories will make it worth all of the blood and the pain.
It kind of jumps around and it doesnt make a lot of sense, but i've always been a fan of the extended metaphor.