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The Day He Didn't Die
Paulo
27 Mar 2003
FADE IN
1.INT.DAY.THE CORRIDOR OF A SPORTS ARENA. 1.
A caption appears on the screen as we see a frozen image of a white wall.
“Los Angeles, 15th August 1979 – Burbank Badminton Club”
The image unfreezes, the camera moves to the left, an arm opens a door. From behind a black swivel chair VINCENT SHAFT – 41, short with mid length black hair talks on the phone unaware that he is being filmed. Shaft speaks in a middle class, Middle America accent, however he speaks in jive although he pronounces them like a middle aged Republican senator might. On the wall behind him is the American Flag, a dartboard with Richard Nixon’s face on it, and other Vietnam Paraphernalia.
SHAFT
So that’s a copy of penthouse, the limited edition Gladys Knight ‘75 playboy, and a copy of Mary Does Nazareth.
Shaft swivels around, the documentary filmmaker named CARL – 43, English with balding hair and a brown suede jacket comes into view holding a clipboard.
SHAFT
Oh hey, Shaft didn’t see you there. You must be those cats from the BBC in England who want to beat the chops with Shaft huh?
CARL
Pardon me?
SHAFT
You’re the guys making the documentary?
CARL
Yes, you’ve uh hit it right on the head. I’m Carl and this is…
SHAFT
Don’t bother Shaft with your name’s he won’t remember them.
CARL
Shaft? But I thought you were Shaft.
SHAFT
Yes he is. Shaft is his name.
Carl looks confused. A voice-over begins.
BOB
Today is a big day for Vincent Shaft, badminton referee for the Southern California Badminton Association. Today he is officiating the fiftieth American male badminton finals…
SHAFT
Uh Shaft just heard something?
CARL
Oh that was Bob, the narrator.
SHAFT
Would you kindly tell him that Shaft doesn’t dig his jazz? Is uh, this cat Bob?
Shaft points the left side of the camera, on the floor near a cupboard is BOB the sound technician, he is holding a microphone.
BOB
Yes I am why?
SHAFT
This is why sucka!
Shaft grabs Bob and pushes his head into the cupboard; he then opens the door and puts it in before ramming the door repeatedly against his head. Shaft then looks towards the camera and straightens his tie.
SHAFT
Never, and Shaft means never use a voice-over artist! Shaft is going to put his make up on, can you dig that?
FADE OUT
2.INT.DAY.SHAFT’S TOILET. 2.
A hidden camera is activated in the toilet. Shaft approaches the mirror.
SHAFT
Five years boys, five years.
Shaft takes out eight sets of dog tags from under his shirt and kisses them all.
(Continued)
You talking to Shaft? You talking to Shaft? There’s no one else here, yeah you talking to Shaft!
Shaft slaps himself in the mirror and walks out.
FADE OUT
3.INT.DAY.VINCE’S OFFICE. 3.
Shaft sits behind his desk.
CARL (o.s.)
So Mr Shaft tell us about your time in Vietnam.
As Shaft talks we see some of the posters on the walls, veteran’s conferences etc. Plus a poster advertising today’s final between SAM “The Basher Smith” & Asian American Jerome “The Whippet” Jones.
SHAFT
Well Shaft as the only white cat in his school, he had no friends. But in war Shaft felt wanted. He was making friends and fighting communism.
CARL (o.s.)
Did you enjoy it?
SHAFT
Damn right.
CARL
What was school like for you? Being the only white boy must have been difficult.
SHAFT
Well Shaft couldn’t dance like the others, in the shower Shaft was the little white sheep of the family, in amongst all the other brothers’ large black sheep if you get dig Shaft’s train of thought.
CARL
Uh yes you’ve made that more than obvious Mr Shaft.
CARL (o.s.)
What happened to your chums from the Vietnamese conflict?
Shaft pauses, he looks uncomfortable.
SHAFT
They all died face down in the mud. Shaft was the only cat who survived.
CARL (o.s.)
How did you come to terms with your loss.
SHAFT
By some quirk of fate Shaft survived, destined for a higher purpose. To rid badminton of the commies and to take care of the empty cardboard boxes that represents their bodies.
CARL (o.s.)
Do you miss your friends?
SHAFT
Shaft lost seven homies that night and he will never forget them…
(Beat)
Today is the fifth anniversary of their deaths. And to honour them Shaft has tickets for premiere of that new movie Apocalypse Later.
CARL
Apocalypse Now?
SHAFT
Shaft doesn’t like the be corrected sucka. Shaft’s therapist says that if Shaft sees this movie it will lay to rest some un-funky demons.
CARL (o.s.)
Is it important that you see the motion picture tonight?
SHAFT
Given the importance of the date and all she thinks that the film could provide Shaft with some closure and thus help him get on with his life.
CARL (o.s.)
Do you think that war makes a good subject for a motion picture?
SHAFT
Of course, go to the cinema, do you see any peace movies?
CARL (o.s.)
How are you going to attend the film and officiate that match?
SHAFT
If Shaft can take on an entire VC battalion armed with a Grateful Dead LP then he can make that movie. As long as the game is done by 7 Shaft’s mission will not be a failure.
CARL (o.s.)
I’d like to address the issue brought up in your discharge papers, relating to your use of large quantities of pornography during the Vietnam Conflict.
Shaft looks irate. He gets up; his stomach covers the camera as we can hear some muffled speech.
SHAFT
Shaft thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about that?
CARL (o.s.)
It’s for the documentary.
Shaft sits back down.
SHAFT
Look in Vietnam there were no honeys. We only used the American porn, the Vietnamese have shall we say different tastes, they don’t just EAT dogs.
FADE OUT
6.INT.AFTERNOON.BADMINTON ARENA. 6.
The arena is empty. There is room for four badminton courts in the arena; however three have been covered in seating for the big final. Surrounding the court are bleachers, mass, folded seating, the walls beyond the seating are white with occasional blue lines going all around the building. Next to the net is a fold out chair with “director” written on the back, this is Shaft’s refereeing chair.
Sam and Jerome greet Shaft, both are in their training gear. Shaft looks at Jerome, he reminds Shaft of the Vietcong, as he is an Asian American.
SHAFT
Hey my blue-eyed soul brother, give me some skin.
Sam and Shaft shake hands turns to Jerome and winces.
SHAFT
So Sam how’s it hanging?
SAM
Fine.
Shaft turns to Jerome again, he twitches.
SHAFT
Right punk; If Shaft sees any un-American activity during this shin-dig, he will napalm your ass! You’re in the U.S. of America now son, you play by our rules!
Jerome looks startled Shaft frowns and produces a coin.
JEROME
Heads.
SAM
Heads.
SHAFT
My boy Sam here is heads.
JEROME
What?
FADE OUT
7. INT.AFTERNOON.SHAFT’S OFFICE. 7.
Shaft sits behind his desk, he is polishing his friends dogtags.
CARL (o.s.)
So what made you fall in love with Badminton?
SHAFT
Well Shaft sees it as his mission to rid the game of the corrupt un-hip communists who control the International Badminton Federation.
CARL
Corrupt?
As Shaft speaks he stops polishing the dog tags and grips them tighter and tighter as he speaks.
SHAFT
Communist China already controls the world’s table tennis championships; And now they are trying their hand at badminton, but Shaft won’t let that happen.
Carl notices the dog tags in Shaft’s hand.
CARL
Are they your friend’s tags?
SHAFT
Yes. Shaft takes them everywhere. Except in the bath, they’ll rust.
CARL (o.s.)
If given the choice would you choose Badminton or your friends?
SHAFT
Shaft would choose his homies; Shaft will always honour their sacrifice.
FADE OUT
8. INT.AFTERNOON.BADMINTON ARENA. 8.
The arena is packed with around 1,000 people and photographers. Wall hangings of various sponsors adorn the walls, Sony, Nippon, Toyota, Shaft spots them all as he looks around, he scorns at them despite being Japanese. Shaft coughs, adjusts his crotch, puts on a fake smile and grabs the microphone.
SHAFT
Please blow your wigs for the 1979 American Badminton Championship winner… Shaft means finalist, Sam “The Basher” Smith!
Sam walks onto the court to another loud applause; The American National Anthem plays over the PA. He is also wearing a boxing style dressing gown. Shafts stands to attention and cries, the song cuts off.
SHAFT
Shaft says finish the damn song sucka!
The anthem comes back on and Shaft forces everyone to listen to it.
SHAFT
And now, the other guy!
Jerome comes onto the court to a rapturous applause “War” by Edwin Starr plays over the PA. Jerome is wearing a red sequined dressing gown made of silk. After thirty seconds Shaft signals for them to cut the song off. He calls them up to him and he frisks them.
SHAFT
Ok Shaft wants a good clean fight. He’s talking to you Jerome, if that is your real name.
Both players go to their respective positions. Shaft funk dances his way off the court and onto sidelines, he winds up and alarm clock and sets the alarm for 1900 hours.
SHAFT
Ok score is two-nil to Sam. Sam serves.
JEROME
Whoa Vince, we haven’t started yet!
SHAFT
That’s Mr Shaft to you! This isn’t the jungle sucka, there are rules! If Shaft finds you trying to invade Sam’s hood and proclaiming the backcourt as Ho Chi Line city Shaft will be forced to intervene street style.
JEROME
Ok, sorry sir.
SHAFT
Damn right fool, two-nil!
FADE OUT
9.INT.EVENING.BADMINTON ARENA. 9.
The game has now been going for an hour. The camera crew stand next to Shaft.
CARL (o.s.)
So how is the game progressing?
Shaft turns to the camera.
SHAFT
Shaft’s dedication to his job and his never-ending vigilance make sure that there is always a fair game taking place.
The shuttlecock lands out of the marked area.
SHAFT
Shaft doesn’t suppose you saw whose that was? Probably Sam’s serve.
Shaft looks at his alarm clock.
SHAFT (Speaking to himself)
Come on punks hurry up, five more points and Shaft can make the ball.
FADE OUT
10.INT.EVENING.BADMINTON ARENA. 10.
The crowd are counting, as Sam and Jerome shoot the shuttlecock back and forth.
CROWD
Thirty-six, Thirty-seven.
The camera gets close to Shaft who is looking worried and biting his nails.
CARL (o.s.)
What’s going on?
SHAFT
They are in a rally, that’s when they keep the shuttlecock going without a foul for a period of time, like a run of straight kills.
Shaft looks at his watch.
FADE OUT
11.INT.EVENING.BADMINTON ARENA. 11.
Shaft is covered in sweat; he is looking very worried, every three seconds he checks his watch as the crowd continue to count.
CROWD
Five-hundred, five-hundred and one, five-hundred and two!
CARL (o.s.)
How long until the Apocalypse Now premiere?
SHAFT
Shaft has got an hour to get there and it him takes twenty minutes to get to the cinema. Those sucka’s have broken the world record!
Shaft gets onto the court and stands behind Jerome. The shuttlecock comes to Jerome
SHAFT
Boo!
Jerome jumps but he manages to make the rally.
CROWD
Five hundred and ten!
FADE OUT
12.INT.EVENING.BADMINTON ARENA. 12.
Shaft paces up and down, as the crowd continue to count the rally.
CROWD
Seven hundred and ninety-nine!
As the shuttlecock comes to Sam Shaft squirts him unexpectedly with a water pistol. Sam flusters but he makes the shot. Shaft throws the pistol onto the floor and walks up to the camera.
SHAFT
That sucka thinks he can outwit Shaft? If he wants a street war Shaft will give him a street war. If that commie wants a jungle war Shaft will give him a jungle war!
Shaft looks at his clock, he then paces back to his refereeing spot but instead he sits on the floor and crosses his legs, he begins to rock back and forth.
CROWD
Seven hundred and six! Seven hundred and seven!
SLOW MOTION. Jerome misses and the shuttlecock hits the ground. The crowd cheer, Shaft’s clock begins to tick loudly, then someone begins to pound some drums, as Shaft rocks back and forth ever more violently. The drums are beginning to sound like the sound of bombs exploding.
Jerome picks up the shuttlecock, he smiles. Jerome walks to the corner net and hands Shaft his red baseball cap. The alarm goes off on the clock, Shaft twitches; he takes a machete out of his trousers and attacks Jerome.
SHAFT
Come on gook! You think you can outwit ME? Try and take ME on! You think you can stop ME from seeing Apocalypse Now fool!
Jerome hits the ground having been punched by Shaft; Jerome’s body becomes pixelated as Shaft reigns down machete blows on his body. Shaft looks up at the camera.
SHAFT
Come on you want some too?
Shaft approaches the camera, the machete strikes the lens and the camera drops to the floor and cuts to static.
After several seconds of static the camera comes back on. The camera lies on its side as Shaft is brought under control by the authorities; Jerome lies covered in blood on the floor.
FADE OUT
13.BLACK SCREEN.CAPTION. 13.
In white text the following caption appears.
“Vincent Shaft was jailed for twenty-two years, ten for the attempted murder of Jerome Jones, six for accepting a bribe and five years for importing Pornography banned under the conditions of the Geneva Convention”
“Epilogue”
“Vincent Shaft was release on August 3rd 2001, just in time to see Apocalypse Now Redux … he didn’t like it.”
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
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