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Debaser The Motion Picture
Paul Hunt & Matthew J Trow
4 Mar 2004
FADE IN
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Comme Il Dort“
“AS HE SLEEPS”
FADE OUT
1.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – DAY 1.
FRANK BLACK, 23, dances around a field, pirouetting away happily. The field is long and wide with trees surrounding its perimeter. Old fashioned, dramatic silent movie piano music plays.#
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Matin... Le Jour Final “
“MORNING … THE FINAL DAY”
FADE OUT
2.EXT. A BEACH. B/W – DAY 2.
DEATH sits on a stone ledge on a beach. In the background the land comes together at a point out to sea, there is also sand running along the length of the beach behind up to around 10 meters in the distance where the stone ledge begins. Behind Death is the cliff face, and in the distance people go about their beach business.
Frank walks into shot. He sits down.
FRANK
Uh Death?
Death doesn’t respond
FRANK
Death? Look my name is Frank and I want to make the greatest film in the world, can it be done?
Death speaks in an unusually high and highly camp voice, much like Brian Blessed attempting to play a camp hairdresser.
DEATH
The best ones are the ones I star in! Your first question is free, for more answers you must play me in the most ancient of games!
(Beat)
Top Trumps!
From under his shawl Death pulls out a deck of Top Trump playing cards.
FADE OUT
3.EXT. THE BEACH. B/W. – DAY. 3.
Frank loses snap. Frank picks up a rock and throws it down on the beach.
DEATH
Four nil to me!
FRANK
Can’t you give me at least some advice? I need to know about the Seventh Seal and how I can make a film like that, but entertaining.
Death notices the kit kat Chunky sticking out of Franks’ pocket.
DEATH
Is that a kit kat chunky?
FADE OUT
4.EXT. THE BEACH. B/W – DAY. 4.
Death’s mouth is covered in chocolate; with the kit kat still half in his mouth un-chewed Frank speaks.
FRANK
Look, I want to make a film like the Seventh Seal… but entertaining. Can you help me?
DEATH
It’s already begun! You’re on page six already!
Death and Frank both look into the camera.
FRANK
Sounds like a fair deal to me. So can you tell me what The Seventh Seal, is about?
DEATH
The search for existence of God.
FRANK
How does a man in a hood and a game of Chess come into the search for God?
DEATH
You just don’t get it do you?
FRANK
No, quite frankly I don’t.
DEATH
Why search for inspiration in something you don’t understand?
FRANK
Look, can you just give me some advice?
DEATH
Look, see this kit kat? It was one of those bars that was all chocolate and no wafer. If you’re not careful your film could face the same fate!
FRANK
What?
DEATH
Look don’t make your film style over substance, have a good
story. Make your film a personal expression, whatever you want to write. Now hurry along you only have five pages to go!
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“ Dans Le Commencement “
“IN THE BEGINNING”
FADE OUT
5.INT. FRANK’S HOUSE. COLOUR – DAY 5.
FRANK BLACK, 23 sits in his living room; he is sleeping. The door to the living room opens. His wife, FRANCIS walks through clutching three videotapes. She slams the door, waking Frank up.
FRANCIS
A productive day at the office?
FRANK
Uh, wuh? Oh its you. Welcome home brain box. I rented Gigli, pile of shit. I could’ve done better.
FRANCIS
Ah my husband, the film critic.
Frank glances over to the three films Francis picked out.
FRANK
What are they?
FRANCIS
Oh three films I’m writing about for my course.
FRANK
The Seventh Seal? Eraserhead? Un Chi Andy who?
FRANCIS
They are classics. You know the Seventh Seal, Death playing Chess on the beach?
Frank looks vacant.
FRANCIS
Eraserhead, the lady in the radiator? In Heaven, Everything Is Fine? Eraserhead is an avant- garde classic; it makes you think really hard about every frame, every sound and every shot, it’s a masterpiece.
Frank doesn’t look impressed.
FRANCIS
Then again, I don’t think you would understand them.
FRANK
Oh really? Give them here then, we’ll see.
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Comme Il Dort“
“AS HE SLEEPS”
FADE OUT
6.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – DAY 6.
Frank continues to dance around the field, after about ten seconds he stops. Frank takes his t-shirt off and falls face down in the grass.
FADE OUT
7.INT. FRANK’S KITCHEN. COLOUR – MORNING 7.
Francis and Frank sit at the breakfast table. Francis is reading a film magazine. On the table there are bran flakes, bananas, orange juice, typical breakfast food. In addition to this there is a turkey surrounded by strawberries sat next to a pint of milk. On the table.
FRANK
Eraserhead, Un Chien Andalou, and the Sevnenth Seal, forty eight times!
Frank looks very stressed.
FRANCIS
Didn’t you understand any of them?
FRANK
Yes, of course I did.
FRANCIS
You haven’t got a clue have you?
FRANK
Well not all of us are educated you know.
FRANCIS
Why don’t you just give up?
FRANK
Because I can write a film ten times more entertaining than those three you made me watch.
FRANCIS
Why don’t you then?
FRANK
Ok, I will.
FRANCIS
You are not getting any more help from me. And hurry along you’re already on page 4.
Frank looks confused.
FRANK
Ok, fine by me. I’ll get help from someone else far more learned in the ways of filmmaking. I’m off out to get some inspiration.
Frank leaves.
FRANCIS
It’s learn-ed
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Comme Il Dort“
“AS HE SLEEPS”
FADE OUT
8.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – DAY 8.
Frank lies in the field. A man, JOHN PROBLEM dressing in a long black coat, a traditional Welsh flat cap, and sporting a moustache and stick waddles up to John. He looks around and shrugs his shoulders.
CUT TO
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Qu'est-ce que c'est ?”
“WHAT IS THIS?”
CUT TO
8.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – CONTINOUS 8.
John thinks for a second, stroking his chinless beard, he then has a revelation, and sticks his finger into the air in triumph.
CUT TO
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Une Idée !”
“AN IDEA!”
CUT TO
8.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – CONTINUOUS 8.
John raises his stick and pokes Frank.
FADE OUT
9.EXT. THE BEACH. B/W – DAY 9.
Frank walks along the beach. He is walking along close to where the point of the land meets the see that we saw earlier. It looks as if he has simply walked into the see from the other cove and walked back onto land.
He notices in the distance a woman, SIMONE (The lady from Un Chien Andalou whose eye was cut open) covered up to her stomach in sand. Around her left eye is a bandage. Frank walks up to her.
FRANK
What the hell are you doing?
SIMONE
Getting a bloody suntan mun, what does it look like?
Frank notices her bandage.
FRANK
Oh wait a minute, you’re that bint who had her eye cut open in Chien Andalou.
SIMONE
Ai, that’s me but.
FRANK
Actually while you’re here, can I ask you something?
SIMONE
Yeah butt, go on.
FRANK
What the hell is your film about?
SIMONE
Well, it rejects anything that makes rational sense. There is no narrative structure and the images may, or may not mean anything at all.
FRANK
So to make my film really good I need to reject logic.
SIMONE
Yeah, it worked for Dali, I didn’t quite get why I ended up in the sand but people seemed to like it.
FRANK
Thanks for the advice.
SIMONE
You’d better get a move on.
FRANK
Why?
SIMONE
You’ve only got three pages left.
FRANK?
Oh shit. So reject logic? This shouldn’t be too hard.
FADE OUT
10.INT. A THEATRE. B/W – DAY 10.
A woman named LAUREL (the Lady in the Radiator in Eraserhead) stands on the stage of a theatre singing “In Heaven Everything is fine” from Eraserhead. Frank enters the shot via the aisle in between both rows of seats. The theatre is very dark, with a spotlight behind Laurel.
FRANK
Oi! You!
The woman notices Frank but continues to sing.
FRANK
Oi! I’m talking to you!
The woman continues to sing. Frank grabs a two pence coin from his pocket and throws it at her, it hits her on the head, and she drops to the floor. She speaks in a former Soviet Block accent.
LAUREL
You tosser!
FRANK
Sorry. Can you help me? I decided to make a film and apparently I should make a film with lots of metaphors that at the same time doesn’t mean anything. Also if my film doesn’t end in one page Death is going to have me.
LAUREL
Death, always with the dramatics.
FRANK
What’s Eraserhead about?
LAUREL
No-one has got that right yet. But here is my theory. Henry’s kid is the product of all his sin and he commits suicide by leaping into the radiator.
Frank shrugs his shoulders.
FRANK
Look, what are you? And for that matter what is death?
LAUREL
They say that if man is five, and the devil is six, then God is seven, which makes death six point five and that pisses him off no end, he doesn’t like decimal points.
FRANK
And what about you?
LAUREL
Never mind what I am you’ve got a film script to finish and you’ve only got one page left!
FADE OUT
11.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – DAY 11.
John has been poking Frank for some time. Suddenly Frank awakens, the gets off his feet and pushes John, John drops the stick.
CUT TO
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“La plupart De Monstre De Villaenous !”
“MOST VILLAENOUS FIEND!”
CUT TO
11.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – CONTINUOS 11.
The dramatic piano that has been looping through this scene suddenly stops, to be replaced with Keystone cop style chase music. Frank chases John into the distance, John jumps in the air a few times, they then disappear into the trees in the distance. Then after a jump cut they appear close to camera coming out of the trees to the left. John is now chasing Frank shaking his fist.
CUT TO
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Chien De Porc!”
“PIG DOG!”
CUT TO
11.EXT. A FIELD. B/W – CONTINUOS 11.
Frank runs past camera followed by John shaking his fist.
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“La Nuit”
“THE NIGHT”
FADE OUT
12.INT. FRANK’S HOUSE. COLOUR – NIGHT 12.
Frank and Francis lie in their Ikea bed. The walls are red, it is late evening. Francis is reading Frank’s script, underneath that is a copy of the Daily Mirror. Frank looks on nervously as Francis reads his script.
FRANCIS
This is too mainstream!
FRANK
What?
FRANCIS
Well there’s a plot, a three act structure, cause effect … dialogue!
FRANK
What the hell do you want from a film?
FRANCIS
Art Frank, I want something that makes me think, something that actually challenges me.
FRANK
Then perhaps you should try being your husband for a day.
FRANCIS
What is that supposed to mean?
FRANK
Constantly looking down on me, judging me for preferring Police Academy three over Citizen Kane.
FRANCIS
I’m not apologising for your lack of taste and intellect.
FRANK
Shut up ok. I tried my best, I made an entertaining art film and you couldn’t stand to see me succeed, did you even understand it?
FRANCIS
You made a mass appeal, mainstream film that merely skims the surface of the avant garde.
FRANCIS
I mean you’ve got three characters that are essentially the same and it’s twelve pages too long.
FRANK
But its only twelve pages long. … Oh. And what three characters are all the same.
FRANCIS
The lady in the radiator represents death for Henry in Eraser head. And in Un Chien Andalou the woman is buried in the sand because her relationship has died. And Death in the Seventh Seal is, Death. See the connection?
Frank stares at her vacantly.
FRANCIS
I’m leaving you Frank.
The scene now becomes Black and White. Death, Simone and Laurel appear in front of the bed. They are eating kit-kat Chunky’s. Death waves, he looks at Simone and Laurel who are indulged in their kit Kats, he nudges them and they wave.
FRANK
You!
Death’s unusually camp voice is replaced by a loud booming one.
DEATH
Be gone!
It then returns to its normal pitch.
DEATH
Go… shoo shoo!
Simone and Laurel leave the room.
FRANCIS
Get out.
Frank gets out of bed, Death climbs in with Francis and grabs the showbiz magazine from the Daily Mirror and begins to read it.
FRANK
So what you’re shacking up with him now are you?
DEATH
Oh that couldn’t possibly be…
I’m married!
FADE OUT
CAPTION. BLACK BACKGROUND. WHITE TEXT__________________________
“Au printemps”
“IN THE SPRING”
FADE OUT
13.EXT. THE BEECH – DAY 13.
Frank is buried up to his neck in sand, looking around, very confused.
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
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