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Regret
Cristian
3 Aug 2005
And I kept walking down the empty street, warm gentle wind caressing my shirtless arm as I strolled with a carelessness so rarely achieved. Maybe it was the dry and slightly chilly air out that midafternoon, or the lack of company and watching eyes, whatever it was, I remember a feeling of content. Scanning the tall dark trees I noticed the yellow leaves dancing their way to the ground with no rush to ever land, and quite possibly, it seemed, they never really did. The air smelt of dark evenings at home when everyone settled down, times when dinner was finished and sleep soon beckoned us all. Funny, I said, with a silly grin on my face how being outside reminds me of times back home but somehow it seemed to fit, despite the lack of common sense in it all.
Further ahead I spotted a little girl with a hat that cleverly hid her head, playing with what seemed her father. He would hide behing a tree and try to playfully scare the little girl. Looking, I could see the concentrated look on her face and the determination to find her father and give him a good scare back, her green shirt hanging tightly around her as she ran across the field trying to find her target. Being wise beyond her age, she decided to look behind the only tree that sight could see, and with a final push of courage she jumped behind him and gave out the loudest "Boo!" I think i've ever heard from such a small young lady. Her father let out a small scare and pretended to run across the field. Determined not to be outdone she ran after him in a very fine run. Faking a fall her father prepared himself for the onslaught about to begin. Sensing her victory she jumped on top of him and gave him the biggest hug her little hands could muster. Reaching around her, he hugged her back and looking closely in his eyes and behind the smile I could see a tear forming and slowly run down his cheek. Looking up at him the little girl asked why he's crying. In return he answered "Oh, it was just a raindrop that found it's way to my face, that's all honey..", hurringly wipping away the evidence. Figuring out that it is of course the logical answer the little girl reached to his face and using the back of her small hand carressed his face, saying "Silly rain, stay away from daddy!". They once again both looked at each other, smiled, got back up and continued to play in their field, in their world.
Several weeks later I happened to be waiting for a bus, and even thought I never buy newspapers, the lack of thoughts in my mind forced me to. Like a man too good to read all the articles, I was flipping the huge pages when I stumbled on a picture of the exact little girl I saw some weeks ago in that forgotten field. Big huge pony tails, big green eyes, puffy little cheeks and a smile that seemed to run across her whole face. Underneath the picture it said "To my beautiful daughter Leah, the one that always found me, I will always love you and I miss you dearly....Love, Daddy." Only a few moments later I realized I was reading the deaths section of the newspaper. In the small section dedicated to her it said Leah had cancer for the last year of her life and died because of it. Shocked and soon overwhelmed with a feeling of grief and sadness, I couldn't help but feel a tear making it's way down my face. I couldn't hold on to the newspaper anymore it seemed, it became heavy like a rock. Letting it go, I dropped my head down and felt nothing but tears coming down my face. I just sat on the empty bench crying for what seemed forever. I will never forget that day, even though I never lost a daughter and can’t even imagine that pain, I cried. I cried because I lost so many moments in time that I could have acted upon but never did. Always thinking I'll be able to let it go, there will always be next time, i'm not old, no need to rush, time is there, it won't ever wash away. Being too busy thinking about yesterday and contemplating a better tomorrow I never looked down to see the ground in front of me or the things going on around me. But when things and people are gone, they're gone forever and you won't ever get them back, or even if you think you’ll get another chance, it won’t ever be the same. Even though it seems forever, and it's ok to look in the past and in the future, seize the moment and grasp it hard, don't let it go but hang on. I will miss you all when i'm gone.
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