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Simply Delightful - Quotes





I have no money and three kids. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons






Life is never so bad that it can't get worse.

Bill Watterson
Calvin and Hobbes






If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Jean-Paul Sartre






I was kicked out of my high school debate team for saying "Yeah? Well fuck you."

Ron White






I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Emo Philips






When you [Americans] landed on the moon, that was the point when God should have come up and said hello. Because if you invent some creatures and you put them on the blue one and they make it to the grey one, then you fucking turn up and say, "Well done." Itís just a polite thing to do.

Eddie Izzard
Live At Madison Square Garden






If you trust in yourself...and believe in your dreams... and follow your star - you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Terry Pratchett
The Wee Free Men






Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Terry Pratchett
Reaper Man






The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.

Richard Pryor






"I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins."

"Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

The Simpsons






If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

Roald Dahl
The Twits






Playing blackjack is the only thing Iíve ever done that made math fun.

Max Rubin






I talk to God and make deals with him every time I gamble. Otherwise, I leave him alone.

Max Rubin






When you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat.

George Carlin






I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.

Frankie Boyle






A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.






You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

Will Rogers






I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

Stephen Colbert






I am easily satisfied with the very best.

Winston Churchill






I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will fight to the death for my right to fight you to the death.

Stephen Colbert






I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.






I've noticed that even people who believe in fate look both ways before crossing the street.

Stephen Hawking






I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Jackie Mason






October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson






These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.

Charles Barkley






If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Mark Twain






I don't mind people stealing my music, that's fine. But I think they should steal everything. You know how much money the oil companies have? If you need some gas, just go fill up your tank and drive off.

Kid Rock






It may be a brief interruption -- just a few seconds -- but what if someone sitting near you is trying to make a decent bootleg? Did you ever think of that? Now all those street-corner copies are permanently defiled by your so-called 'emergency.' Don't be so damn selfish.

Brad Pitt
on people who want to answer urgent cell phone calls during movies






Why repeat the old errors, if there are so many new errors to commit?

Bertrand Russel






So?

Dick Cheney






If I had perfect foresight, I would never have taken this job in the first place.

Richard F. Syron, Freddie Mac's chief executive






The race is lost. You can't overtake here and I'm starting from 15th... It's over already.

Fernando Alonso
Singapore F1 GP






It's God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar, etc. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Indian Armed Forces






To be or not to be. That's not really a question.

Jean-Luc Godard






A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

WC Fields






The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin






In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

George Carlin






There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven... baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

George Carlin






I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield






A wealthy man is one who earns $100 a year more than his wifeís sisterís husband.

H. L. Mencken






Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Ambrose Bierce






You can always count on Americans to do the right thing... after theyíve tried everything else.

Winston Churchill






Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.

G. Gordon Liddy






We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.






Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

(contributed by _ed_elric_)






The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.

Joan Collins






Mother Simpson: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

Homer: Seven.

Lisa: No, Dad, it's a rhetorical question.

Homer: OK, eight.

The Simpsons






Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and . . . um . . . Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons






Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin . . . but what good does that do me?

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons






We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Alanis Morisette








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