Simply Delightful - Quotes
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication mean the same thing as division.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery.
Growing old is not growing up.
Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.
Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.
It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. bumper sticker
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. Muslim proverb
This contract is so one-sided that I am astonished to find it written on both sides of the paper.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth - communism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Demagogue: One who preaches a doctrine he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats. Russian proverb
When she sings, I get people in my throat.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. bumber stickers
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. bumber stickers
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. bumber stickers
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. bumber stickers
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. bumber stickers
Eschew Obfuscation. bumber stickers
Atheism is a non prophet organisation. bumber stickers
He doesn't play hard to get. He plays hard to want.
Jingle Bells / Snow is hell / in a pennant race.
I am a Marxist - of the Groucho variety.
Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.
Yeah, I can see why beautiful cars are compared to beautiful women... they usually belong to someone else.
For Better or For Worse
I don't think the road to heaven is paved with bean curd.
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
The Groucho Phile
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.