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Simply Delightful - Quotes





Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Mickey Mouse






A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.






Biology is the only science in which multiplication mean the same thing as division.






Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.






The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.






The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Clarence Darrow






We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller






Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery.

Doug Horton






Growing old is not growing up.

Doug Horton






Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.

Ross Presser






Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.






It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

bumper sticker






It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Rami Belson






Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

Ambrose Bierce






It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Scott Elledge, on his retirement from Cornell University






Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?

Marilyn Monroe






Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Muslim proverb






This contract is so one-sided that I am astonished to find it written on both sides of the paper.

Lord Evershed
Naked Promises






The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Oliver Wendell Holmes






Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Robert Orben






In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Adlai Stevenson






Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain






Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth - communism is the equal distribution of poverty.






Demagogue: One who preaches a doctrine he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Henry Louis Mencken






Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.






If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

J. Paul Getty






Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.

Doug Larson






It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats.

Russian proverb






When she sings, I get people in my throat.

Kermit, the frog






Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

bumber stickers






I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

bumber stickers






He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

bumber stickers






You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

bumber stickers






I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

bumber stickers






Eschew Obfuscation.

bumber stickers






Atheism is a non prophet organisation.

bumber stickers






He doesn't play hard to get. He plays hard to want.

Mike Marotta






Jingle Bells / Snow is hell / in a pennant race.

ESPN's Keith Olbermann






I am a Marxist - of the Groucho variety.






Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

Mark Russell






Yeah, I can see why beautiful cars are compared to beautiful women... they usually belong to someone else.

Mike Patterson
For Better or For Worse






I don't think the road to heaven is paved with bean curd.

David Shaw






I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Dennis Miller






And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Sarah Noelle Pratt Ferguson






What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.






Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Groucho Marx
The Groucho Phile






There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.

John Erskine






There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

P. J. O'Rouke






A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.

Francois Sagan






God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams








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