Simply Delightful - Quotes
I don't know whether Europe will accept us, but Africa has already put us on their waiting list.
The nation wept tears of remorse for their leader: the tear-gas accomplished what was expected.
If at first you don't succeed, erase all evidence you tried.
Life is a game. Avoiding death is cheating.
Women should be obscene, not heard.
Thunderstick?... You actually said, 'Thunderstick?'... That, my friend is a Winchester 30.06."
In science as in love, too much concentration on technique can often lead to impotence.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Wouldn't it be odd if you died and went to heaven and the first thing you said was, "Well, I'll be damned."
69 on the jersey of an Iranian soccer fan at the World Cup, France 98
Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you.
A newlywed's first child can come at anytime, all the rest take nine months.
There are good days and there are bad days and then there are the days that make homicide look like a viable option.
The English have named a breakfast dish after Joan of Arc... French Toast.
The bonds of matimony are so heavy that it takes two to bear them, sometimes three.
Things that come to those who wait may be the things left behind by those who got there first.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
Life is short. Don't be a dick. bumber sticker
Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
So now I know the things I know
And do the things I do
And if you do not like me so
To hell, my love, with you.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
A man in love is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another women makes a fool of him in 20 minutes
Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
If you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing!
Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
A neurotic is the man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Do unto others, then run...
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
It is best to read the weather forcast before praying for rain.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If I let my fingers wander idly over the keys of a typewriter it might happen that my screed made an intelligible sentence. If an army of monkeys were strumming on typewriters they might write all the books in the British Museum. The chance of their doing so is decidedly more favourable than the chance of the molecules returning to one half of the vessel.
The Nature of the Physical World
Whenever I get a little money, I buy books, and if there's any left, I buy food.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I watch a man shoot pool for an hour. If he misses more than one shot I know I can beat him.
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Each time you suppress a sneeze, you kill 10,000 braincells.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
If you want to get laid go to college, if you want to learn something go to the library.
To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Here I sit
so broken hearted
come to shit
but only farted. grafitti on bathroom wall
Adolescence is a dirty joke God played on humanity.