Seinfeldisms - Quotes
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
In Germany, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins at me." Big Issue
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?"
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
Isn't it horrible that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves?
Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!"
Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."
I'm Telling You For The Last Time
Where navigation is concerned, things have changed radically since the days of Colombus. Columbus departed for India and arrived in Santo Domingo. Today, if you catch a plane to India, you arrive in India. It's your luggage that goes to Santo Domingo.
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating... then you finish off as an orgasm! Amen.
One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But it turned out to be something completely different.
Why do people say ' Not for all the tea in China'? Are there actually people out there that would accept a deal if this were included?
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way that you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait it's not love I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of a monorail.
One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it.
People say the hardest thing to do is lose. To me, beating up the guys who beat you is ten times harder cause some of those guys are pretty big.
Once I saw my parents argue because we didn't have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to do. I got my piggy bank and I went out to the backyard and buried it
Why is that sign in the public bathrooms that says "Employees must wash their hands before returning to work" also written in Braille? How does the blind person find the sign? And how do they know it says the same thing in English?
When I was a kid, my mother would say, "You're driving me straight to the mental house." I often wondered why we never went. Probably because I was too young to drive.