Simply Delightful - Quotes
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
(contributed by michael)
"... He had a theory, Walt, that the religious life, and all the agony that goes with it, is just something God sicks on people who have the gall to accuse Him of having created an ugly world."
Franny and Zooey
(contributed by David)
Using Lynx to access http://www.playboy.com/ finally gives some truth to the saying, I only read playboy for the articles.
Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing 'does not!'
(contributed by Fimmy)
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
(contributed by Fimmy)
One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Olympics, Athens 2004
(contributed by creather)
A smile is the chosen vehicle for all ambiguities.
It's like a koala pooped a rainbow on my head and I can taste the colors.
(contributed by Britni)
BART: You make me sick Homer. You're the one who told me I can do anything if I just put my mind to it.
HOMER: Well now that you are a little bit older I can tell you that that's crock. No matter how good you are at something there always about a million people better than you.
BART: Gotcha. Can't win. Don't try.
(contributed by Kate C.)
A Democrat sees a half a glass of water and says, "The glass is half-empty." A Republican sees the same glass of water and says, "Who the hell drank half of my water?"
(contributed by Matt)
If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
When you're not allowed to stay up late, the secret is to just wake up really, really early.
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls - because they can.
Sex and the City, Episode 87
(contributed by jennifer)
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
SPONGEBOB: Let's think of some ideas to sell the chocolate bars.
PATRICK: I know, let's get naked!
SPONGEBOB: No, let's save that for when we sell real estate.SpongeBob SquarePants
So this is America. They must be out of their minds.
(contributed by Erin Macnold)
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..." And we... kill those people.
(contributed by Methuselah)
If there is a heaven for me, I am sure it has a beach attached to it.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
BRUCE: How do you make sombody love you without messing with free will?
GOD: Welcome to my world. If you figure that out, you let me know.Bruce Almighty
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
(contributed by Mark Peterman)
There isn't a damn thing wrong with prayer. During the war I served with a guy who prayed all the time, carried a Bible with him everywhere. We all mocked him to no end. One day, that Bible stopped a bullet, my hand to God, that Bible stopped a bullet. If only he'd had another Bible in front of his face, he'd be alive today.
(contributed by John Slabyk)
When you go out with a drunk, you'll notice how a drunk fills your glass so he can empty his own. As long as you're drinking, drinking is okay. Two's company. Drinking is fun. If there's a bottle, even if your glass isn't empty, a drunk, he'll pour a little in your glass before he fills his own.
(contributed by Mia)
You know the world has gone crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
(contributed by Amber)
Whenever you create something "idiot proof", some bugger comes along with a new improved idiot.
(contributed by Rarius)
Modern man thinks he loses something--time--when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains--except kill it.
Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
(contributed by Joe)
Oh I do dislike arguments of any kind, they are almost always vulgar and often convincing.
The Importance of Being Ernest
(contributed by Becky Taylor)
A woman begins by resisting a manís advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
The book of life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.
I have taken more out of alcohol then alcohol has taken out of me.
(contributed by Andrew)
In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England, people drink in bars that are older than that.
(contributed by ken paley)
Women. Can't live with them. The End.
Married With Children
Make them laugh. They'll have a hard time shooting you. Cirque du Soleil's Alegria
(contributed by Trinny)
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.
(contributed by Matt)
I've always wanted to make an impact on the world. I've also always wanted to go sky diving. I just hope I don't to both at the same time...
If you can read this the bitch fell off. on the back of a t-shirt for people who ride motorbikes
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.