For the Medically Minded - Some Thoughts to Operate By

Tuttle's First Law of Pollution:
          You're never more than a few feet away from a product containing PCB.

Macaluso's Dontrine:
          You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Clifford's Proclamation:
          VD is nothing to clap about.

Gynecologists's Remark:
          I've had a busy day at the orifice.

Crosby's Deduction:
          Old doctors never die, they just lose their patients.

Dusinberre's Conclusion:
          I'm not in the practice of medicine for my health, because it ain't healthy.

Barach's Rule:
          An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Shalit's Drugstore Observation:
          These pills can't be habit-forming; I've been taking them for years.

Pollack's Prognosis:
          Things only turn out well in the end if you visit a proctologist.

The Surgeon's Quandary:
          Oops - I cut it off again and it's still too short.

Borland's Postulate:
          All gall is divided into three parts: bladder, stones, and unmitigated.

Goldstein's Axiom:
          The dentist never talks to his patient until the drill is in their mouths.

Knebel's Law:
          It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

The "What's Wrong With Me, Doctor?" Law:
          Wai, we'll see what the computer says.

Loeb's Laws of Medicine:

  1. If what you're doing is working, keep doing it.
  2. If what you're doing is not working, stop doing it.
  3. If you don't know what to do, don't do anything.
  4. Above all, never let a surgeon get your patient.

Dr. Van Sickle's Theory:
          Basically the function of the heart is to keep pumping.

Rumple's Rule:
          No hospital staff physician is totally worthless; he can always be used as a horrible example.

The Patient's Rule Concerning his Symptoms:
          It's not a matter of lfie or death - it's much more important than that.

Merskey's Rules:

  1. Do a silly test and you get a silly answer.
  2. In the hospital more deaths occur in bed than out of bed, so get the patient out of bed.
  3. Any drug can do anything.

Danowski's Laws:

  1. It takes two years to learn when to go into the abdomen and twnety years to learn when to stay out.
  2. A drug is that substance which when injected into rate will produce a scientific report.

Hart's Inverse-Care Law:
          The availability of good medical care tends to vary inversely with the need for it in the population.

Frisch's Law:
          It take one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men you put on the job.

Fireston'e Negative Reformulation of Frisch's Law:
          You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Dr. Cohen's First Rule of Clinical Medicine:
          What you don't take can't hurt you.

Launegayer's Observation:
          Vampires are poor unfortunate souls suffering from iron deficiency anemia who have never heard of Geritol.

Schmidt's Law:
          Never eats prunes when you're hungry.

Dr. Tobias' Conclusion:
          The secret of good health is eating a raw onion a day. Trouble is, no one can keep it a secret.

Harvard's Law:
          Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Wendell's Observation:
          No need to give up the race just because you joggle when you jog.

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