"Well, That's Life" Section of Aphorisms

Harvey's Homily:
          A man's brain is his Achilles' heel.

Campbell's Pinciple:
          He who hoots with the owl at night will not soar with the eagle at dawn.

Newman's Law:
          Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.

Today's School Graduate's Words for Starting a Conversation:
          "You know..."

John-Liard's Law:
          Toothaches tend to occur on Saturday night.

Kopcha's Rule:
          There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

Newton's First Law:
          Some days it's better to stay in bed.

Luebbert's Law:
          Liars get caught by the tale.

Gregory's Observations:

  1. Popularity almost always leads to deterioration in quality.
  2. A belief is of no value until you can defend it rationally afainst all corners.
  3. When a man becomes so busy that he forgets the beautiful things in life, then it can be truly said he is poor.

O'Malley's Conclusion;
          Life is a series of movements from one chair to another.

Barker's Byword:
          When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

A Fireside Observation:
          God still seems to be helping those who take a big helping for themselves.

The "Where Are They When You Need Them?" Principle:
          If a man steals from you once, he's a fool; if a man steals from you twice, you're the fool; if he steals from you thrice, the odds are eight to five the thief and the agency charged with the theft protection are one and the same.

Gerhardt's Law:
          If you find something you like, buy lifetime supply - they're going to stop making it.

Old French Proverb:
          The barrel always smells of herring.

Huminston's Law:
          When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is hard to remember that your original intention was to drain the swamp.

Allan's Axiom:
          Supersonic travel means that although you still can't be in two places at once, at least you can be heard trying over a wide area.

Haver's Law:
          A drunken man's words are a somber man's thoughts.

Riley's Rumination:
          Don't let anyone kid you about the life of Riley.

Lael's Law:
          Hinsight is always 20/20.

Kegley's Principle of Observation:
          No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.

Grandpa's Law:
          Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.

Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
          All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.

Edwinn's Corollary:
          People with money live so damn long.

Cavanaugh's Postulate:
          All the kookies are not in the jar.

Preston's Laws:

  1. Two's company, three's an orgy.
  2. All the world loves a four-letter word.
  3. Genius is 10 per cent inspiration and 50 per cent capital gains.

Stock's Observation:
          You no ssoner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Schmidt's Observation:
          All things being equal, a fat perosn uses more soap than a thin person.

Grandma Soderquist's Observation:
          A road map always tell yous everything except how to refold it.

Sousa's Observation:
          Some instruments in a drum-and-bugle corps are purely cymbolic.

Renau's Rural Rule:
          If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him.

Fractured Franklinism:
          A bird in hand is worth about three Kleenex.

Si Perkins' "People Differ" Law:
          Some object to the fan dancer, other to the fan.

Brown's Bromide:
          A "peace-loving nation" is one which bans fireworks and make hydrogen bombs.

The Law od Divine Intervention:
          All Kunst ist umsunst wenn ein Engel auf das Zundloch brunzt. (German version)
          All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the touchole of your musket. (English translation)

Boone's Forest Observation:
          Porcupines prick.

Puritan's First Law:
          Evil is "live" spelled backward.

Puritan's Second Law:
          If it feels good, don't do it.

Ponsy's Postulate:
          By the time a man can read a woman like a book, he is too old to collect a library.

Launegayer's Axiom:
          Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

The Circe Axiom:
          Lust make the world go round.

Wolfe's Translation:
          E pluribus unum (anything for a buck).

The "Enough Already" Law:
          The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Leon's Liquor Law:
          Work is the curse of the drinking man.

Allen's Conclusion:
          Better Crocker uses a mix.

Allen's Maxim:
          God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.

Grandma Soderquist's Rumination:
          Some people fish in the Sea of Life without bait.

Kassorla's Safe-Distance Axiom:
          When walking a dog, be sure then animal is smaller than you.

Rev. Patrick Mahaffy's Observation:
          There's no such thing as a large whiskey.

The Postman's Theory:
          Everything is a plain brown wrapper is dirty.

The Law of Comparative Pleasure:
          Sex: even when it's bad, it's good.

Agnes' Law:
          Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Dan Green's Rule:
          What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Ahlskog's Axiom:
          Half of life's experiences are below average in satisfaction.

Merrill's First Corollary:
          There are no winners in life; only survivors.

Browning's Theorem:
          Less is more.

Pastore's Comment on Bronwing's Theorem:
          Nothing is ultimate.

Samuel Butler's Law:
          Life is one long process of getting tired.

Drew's Law:
          Life is full minor and major problems; some days you get both.

Van Roy's Truisms:

  1. Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
  2. There has been only one indispenable man... ADAM.

The Dirty-Old-Man Axiom:
          The number of women a man find attractive is truely proportionate to his age.

Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion:
          The honeymoon is over when the one-holer outhouse is made into a two-holer.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side-Down Law:
          An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Newton's Little Known Seventh Law:
          A bird in the hand is safer than one over head.

Utvich's Wisdom:
          A born loser is a guy who loses even in his fantasies.

J. B. Stearn's Homily:
          Success is like a fart - only your own smells good.

Swipple's Rule of Order:
          He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Houde's Rumination:
          A martyr is a hero who didn't make it.

The Beautiful-Princess Law:
          Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Leibenguth's Law:
          A cynic is not an honorable man with experience.

Freeman's Law:
          Halitosis is better than no breath at all.

Greeniaus' Observation:
          History tailgates.

The Over-the-Hill Law:
          At the age fifty you've got it made; you can coast in - it's down hill all the way.

Dr. Johnson's Law of Sexual Satisfaction:
          The only time you've had enough is when you've just finished.

O. O. McIntyre's Law:
          There is no such thing as a "little bit of garlic."

Colby's Observation:

  1. Some men are legends in their own mind.
  2. Bigotry doesn't have a Chinaman's chance.
  3. The secret of eternal youth: don't mellow.
  4. "Leisured" does not mean "leisurely."

An Old Middle East Proverb:
          A friend advises in his interest, not yours.

Askerberg's Axiom:
          You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out, but you gotta suit up for them all.

Carson's Law:
          It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

A psychological Truism:
          No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires so much attention.

Mobil's Maxim:
          Bad regulation begets worse regulation.

Cole's Law:
          Thinly sliced cabbage.

Pardo's Postulates:

  1. Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
  2. The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and and old woman.
  3. Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want.

Dalton's Truism:
          Life is a series of incomplete passes.

A Mother's Law:
          Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.

Moer's Truism:
          The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled-dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Long's Notes:
          Climate is what your expect.

A "Lucky Strike" Rule:
          Lighting a cigarette after siphoning gas can be injurious to your health.

Sturgeon's Law:
          Ninety per cent of everything is crud.

Dietvorst's Law:
          You climb the ladder of success easier when you lay it flat.

Laver's Law:
          The same dress can be known as "indecent" ten years before its time, "daring" a year before its time. Then it becomes "chic" and in two or three years, "dowdy." It is considered "hideous" twenty years later, "quaint" in thirty years, and a hundred and a hundred and fifty years later it is "beautiful."

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