Some SteppingStones for Backpackers, Students of Life, and Agronomists

Forde's Law:
          No matter which way you spit, it's up wind.

Knight's Law:
          Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

The Law of Inverse Appreciation:
          The less there is between you and the environment, the more you appreciate the environment.

Russell's Observation:
           Due to a lack of trained trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed indefinitely.

Long's Notes:
          Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.

Thomaseen's Adam-and-Eve Truism:
          The human race was not really created - it is solely a fig leaf of our imagination.

Walther's Warning:
          Never believe that a package of pitted dates has no pits.

Barber's Laws of Backpacking:

  1. The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes positive.
  2. Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
  3. The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway
  4. The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you've been on the trail.
  5. The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
  6. The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you've been on the trail.
  7. The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
  8. The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
  9. When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
  10. If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on.
  11. The local density of mosquitoes is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.

Ferris' Frothing:
          Man has less tenacity than crab grass.

Long's Truism:
          Natural laws have no pity.

Charles Beard's Summarizations of History:

  1. The bee fertilizes the flower it robs.
  2. When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

Mangravite's Postulate:
          There are no absolute answers to life - just revelations.

The Law of Archaeological Analysis:
          One stone is a stone; two stones are a feature; three stones are a wall.

Bruce's Cogent Comments:

  1. Best meal I ever put in my whole mouth.
  2. Everybody in the room was there.
  3. The lake comes right up to the shore.

Hufstader's Insight:
          Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The Weather-Report Rule:
          Bad weather reports are more often right than good ones.

Defalque's Observation:
          A path without obstacles probably leads nowhere.

The First Law of Bicycling:
          No matter which way you ride, it's up hill and against the wind.

The First Law of Canoeing:
          No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.

The Land-Use Principle of Conservation:
          Thou shalt not rape the land, for that shall be known as "Sodomy."

Wilner's Observation:
          All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.

Bradshaw's Further Adventures in Backpacking:

  1. Backpackers don't get lost - they just get disoriented.
  2. When eliminating unnecessary equipment before a trip, the first thing you decide not to take will be the first thing you need on the hike.

Byrne's Law:
          A bird in the hand betokens mutual trust.

Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion:
          A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.

Ponsy's Postulate:
          Faith is the bird that sings while it is still dark.

The "Stay Cool" Rule:
          You cannot sink someone else's end of the boat and still keep your own afloat.

Hill's Hard-and-Fast Rules of Survival:

  1. Never play cards with a horse trader who'll bet his sweet ass.
  2. Beware of the doctor whose wife sells cemetery Iots whose brother owns a granite quarry, and whose father deals in spades.
  3. Do not trust a veterinarian with the nickname "Bones."

Match's Maxim:
          A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.

Rhoda's Rumination:
          It's always darkest before it's pitch black.

The Skier's Rumination:
          Don't ever eat yellow snow.

Graebner's Sage Comment:
          If you eat beans when camping, leave your sleeping bag unzipped.

Merill's Second Corollary:
          In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.

Nancy's Belief:
          God didn't create the world in seven days, He screwed around for six and pulled an all-nighter.

Borland's Postulate:
          Beginning rock hounds take everything for granite.

Grandma Sonderquist's Riposte:
          The worms start multiplying when the chickens stop scratching.

Sir Edmund Hillary's Conclusion:
          Mountain climbers always help each other.

John Bear's Observations:

  1. Little things come in small packages.
  2. Mistakes are the steppingstones to failure.
  3. A silent man does not always know a secret.
  4. The best offense is a strong offense.
  5. It is not necessary to fall into a well to know its depth.
  6. Soon ripe, soon rotten.
  7. Ambition plagues the inarticulate hardest.
  8. The longest list has a final item.

The Poverty Principle:
          Money is like manure - it is meant to be spread around.

Call's Law of Frustration:
          The measure of a bird dog's intelligence can be determined by the length of time it takes to resign yourself to his way of thinking.

Call's Law of Negative Results:
          The distance from a flushed covey is directly proportional to the number of fellow hunters you and your dog are trying to impress.

Daniel's Doodle:
          Man who slings mud, loses ground.

Lorene's Law:
          A bird in the hand - may pee.

Mark Twain's Observation:
          Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

The Home Gardener's Law:
          A green thumb is a lot of manure.

Van Roy's Laws:

  1. College is a fountain of knowledge where students come to drink.
  2. Don't wear ear muffs in a land of rattlesnakes.
  3. The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.

Loewen's Law:
          The worm in the sour apple doesn't know any better.

Mark Twain's thought:
          Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Epstean's Law:
          If self-preservation is the first of law of life, exploitation is the second.

Dr. Finklestein's Rules on Camping:

  1. If a sight is worth seeing, someone will build a highway to it.
  2. If you can afford a hotel, you need not sleep in a tent.
  3. When you camp on a cold day, you will be faced with colder night.

Hugo's Rules of Life:

  1. Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
  2. Keep your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, your ear to the ground. Now, try to work in that position.
  3. DO IT TOMORROW - you've made enough mistakes today.
  4. Bulls and bears make money, but pigs lose their shirts.
  5. Old chemists never die; they just fail to react.
  6. If you can't be right - at least be careful.

Joe's Sage Thoughts:

  1. No wonder the country is in a mess - half the people are below median intelligence.
  2. Many of us combine the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.
  3. There's a new manual out on how to be spontaneous.

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