Cogent Comments by Some Ordinary People and Some Not So Ordinary

Witcoff's Truism:
          You know you're getting old when everything dries up or leaks.

Baker's Law:
          Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.

Gibb's Law:
          Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Horowitz's First Law of the Admiralty:
          A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.

Blomgren's Law:
          Reality is a hypothesis.

Nienberg's Law:
          Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

An Earthy Observation:
          Blessed are the inept for they shall inherit the skies.

Makar's Conclusion:
          If it were not for the weather and sex, 98 per cent of the people wouldn't have anything to talk about.

Renson's Law:
          The longer somebody has to wait for a thing, the better he expects it to be.

Fletcher's Flagrant Rumination:
          Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

Benchley's Law of Distinction:
          There are two kinds of people in this world: those who believe the world can be divided into two kinds of people, and those who don't.

Goda's Truism:
          By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Margolin's Law:
          Behind every successful man is an ass.

Kent's Law:
          The length of a meeting is inversely proportional to the number of attendees without chairs.

Peter's Paradox:
          Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues.

Cannon's Cogent Comment:
          The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.

Andrew's Deduction:
          Attila the Hun came from a broken home.

The Essentials for Happiness Rule:
          Something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.

Rudin's Law:
          In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ponemon's Provocation:
          If you don't know who's to blame, you are!

Johnny Carson's Definition of the Smallest Interval of Time Known to Man:
          Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting:
          Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Simpson's Sage Sample:
          You can't tell a book by its lover.

Perhac's Conclusions:

  1. It's always greener on the other pool table.
  2. Put a little money away every month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised how little you have.

Oliver Herford's Rule:
          A kiss is a procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.

Shaw's Substantive:
          To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil, you're carrying it too far.

Laden's Suggestion:
          The family that bathes together, stays together.

Wood's Hypothesis:
          All things come to him who orders hash.

Beach's Postulate:
          Winners tell funny stories; losers holler "Deal!"

Sobel's Law:
          There's no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

The Hippocrates Application:
          Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Napier's Rule:
          Truth is like a trolley car that, to operate, has to run in alternating directions.

Pavlov's Principle:
          When the bell rings, there had better be some supper.

Mark Twain's Dictum:
          Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.

Mencken's Law:
          There is always an easy solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.

Madson's question:
          If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class?

Professor French's Caution:
          If someone offers to get you a date with a June graduate from Vassar, make certain to ask, "June of what year?"

Robert Louis Stevenson's Conclusion:
          Man is a creature who lives not upon bread alone but principally by catchwords.

Mark Twain's Postulate:
          A man who carries a cat by the tail leams something he can learn in no other way.

Lacopi's Law:
          After food and sex, man's greatest drive is to tell the other fellow how to do his job.

Bob Hope's Quip:
          There are no new jokes, but a joke is new if you have never heard it before.

Julius Caesar's First Law of Aerodynamics of Hurled Objects:
          Sic pilum iactum est. (Literal translation: That's the way the spear is thrown. Free translation: How come I always get the shaft?)

Bula's Basic Laws:

  1. Supersonic travel means that, although you still can't be in two places at once, at least you can be heard trying.
  2. Noel Coward thought work was more fun than fun, but he never, ever, worked in the mines.
  3. Time is money, as many merry widows have proved.
  4. Inflation rates testify to the worldwide popularity of wishful thinking.

Gleason's Thought for the Day:
          Have a brother explain the reason for the "Odd Fellows' lodge.

Boyle's Truism:
          One who has a clear conscience has a foggy memory.

An Old Chestnut:
          There is no such thing as being a "little pregnant."

Wishful Thinking:
          Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Keenan's Truism:
          Gratitude is for favors to come.

Diogenes' Second Dictum:
          If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.

Craig's Rule:
          Genius starts at the top and works up.

Q's Law:
          No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea oil project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.

Matsch's Law:
          It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.

Farber's Laws:

  1. Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
  2. We're all going down the same road in different directions.
  3. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
  4. You have taken yourself too seriously.

Benjamin Disraeli's Maxim:
          "Frank and explicit" - that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and confuse the mind of others.

Murphy's Metric Recommendation:
          We should go metric every inch of the way.

Murphy's Design Maxim:
          Either the box is too small and won't work, or it's too big and won't fit.

The Shrink's Opinion of Murphy:
          Down deep, Murphy is shallow.

Howard's Homily:
          Every time you learn all the answers, tbev change all the questions.

Lanbam's Law:
          The first Christian gets the hungriest lion.

Murphy's Twelfth Law:
          You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

Wingfield's Probability:
          Accuracy is the sum total of your compensating mistakes.

Weinberg's Observation:
          The pot at the end of the rainbow is not Acapulco Gold.

Millard's Conclusions:

  1. The universe is simple; it's the explanation that's complex.
  2. Television is to media what hydrogen bombs are to explosives.
  3. You don't have to fool all the people all the time - just the right people part of the time.
  4. There is no such thing as a motiveless crime.

Fuller's Rule:
          He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

Millie's Maxim:
          Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

Arthur Litoff's Truism:
          Before the marriage, women's glib; after the marriage, Women's Lib.

Kelch's Observation:
          Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.

Clark's Law:
          A new roll of toilet tissue is never installed by the person using the last of the previous roll.

Hylton's Rule:
          No job is too small to botch.

Thoreau's Law:
          If you see someone approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.

Mrs. Jacobsen's Rumination:
          Apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.

Gregory's Lament:
          Philosophically, I quest perfection; physically, I procrastinate.

Map Librarian's Postulate:
          Philadelphia is a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.

Librarian's Motto:
          Information is where you find it.

Mark Twain's Observation:
          Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Wagner's Law:
          The joy of contemplating another's misfortunes is the purest of joy.

Rombauer's Rigid Rule:
          A watched pot never boils - unless you light the gas under it.

Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness:
          You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Saunders' Saying:
          Society is less threatened by the fat around the middles than it is menaced by the fat between the cars.

Larrimer's Constant to the Improvement of Life:
          What this world needs is a damned good plague.

Long's Notes:

  1. The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
  2. A skunk is better company than a person who prides themselves on being "frank."
  3. Always listen to experts: they'll tell you what can't be done, and why; then do it.

Balzac's Rule:
          The diminer the light, the greater the scandal.

Van Roy's Axioms:

  1. Help fight truth decay.
  2. Love makes the world go round, but it's the lack of money that keeps it flat.

Sam Snead's Principle:
          Never up - never win.

Launegayer's Maxim:
          If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.

Sam's Axioms:

  1. Any line, however short, is still too long.
  2. Work is the crab grass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.

Hoffman's Law of Conservation:
          Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
          Everyone should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

Osborn's Law:
          Variables won't; constants aren't.

Grandma's Soderquist's Conclusion:
          There are more horses' asses in this world than there are hroses.

Freud's Law of Revoltin' Developments:
          After a relaxing night of sleep, tense up to meet the day.

Gordon's Insertion:
          A loud voice is a reasonable equivalent of a good eye.

Preston's Postulates:

  1. The pen is mightier than the pencil.
  2. I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to tell such lies.
  3. Chaste makes waste.
  4. The devil finds work for idle glands.
  5. A penny saved is ridiculous.
  6. He who always finds fault with his friends has faulty friends.
  7. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
  8. Money is the root of all evil and man needs roots.
  9. It's not the money, it's the principal and the interest.
  10. Ask not for whom the bell tolls and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.
  11. He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.

Smyth's Summation:
          The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

B. V. Roy's Collection:

  1. A nut easy to crack is often empty.
  2. Every day the rest of the world gets nearer and dearer to us.
  3. Sweet wine often turns a nice woman sour.
  4. On the highway, beware of rolling stoned.

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