Quotes for Offices, No Matter What The Business

Yamamoto's Translated Theorem of Behavior:
          Two longs don't make a light.

The "Make Your Own Breaks" Credo:
          Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.

Ross's Law:
          Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Jenkinson's Law:
          It won't work.

Wynne's Law:
          Negative slack tends to increase.

Cohen's Corollary:
          A little money is good, but large sums foul the works.

Cunningham's Conclusion:
          Coincidence is common; it may be the rule.

The Savings-and-Loan Law:
          Save your money-someday it may be worth something.

Renau's Ramblings:

  1. Old fan dancers should wear orthopedic G strings.
  2. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
  3. Some bosses are fair to everyone - they're mean to everybody.

The "Oh, Forget It" Law:
          The best way to forget your own problems is to help someone else with titers.

Pearson's Postulate:
          It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious.

Hubbard's Law:
          The world gets better every day-then worse again in the evening.

Levine's Axiom:
          We speak of unemployment as though work were a four-letter word.

Steiner's Statement:
          The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Bill's Note:
          A cluttered desk = a man of genius.

Richardson's Rule:
          Satisfaction is, in itself, success.

The Gossage Rule on Copywriting:
          Plagiarize, plagiarize, but call it research.

Maas's Maxim:
          A fool and his guilt are soon parted.

Captain Jack's Viewpoint:
          If you are good, you'll be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you'll get out of doing it.

Kovalevski's Dictum:
          If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will.

Galef's Laws:

  1. If there are too many cooks - it's the union rules.
  2. The early bird suffers from insomnia.

Observations of a Philosopher:

  1. Nothing is opened more often by mistake than the mouth.
  2. Years make us old - people make us wise.
  3. A laugh is just a simple thimbleful in the infinite number of joys.
  4. A meeting is no substitute for progress.

Spark's Law of Irrepressible Use:
          If a person has something, they feel compelled to use it even though its use is unnecessary. Examples: The child who gets a hammer uses it. The person who gets authority will overexercise it.

Robert Frost's Observation:
          A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it starts to rain.

Simenon's Profound Postulate:
          All proverbs contradict each other.

Van Roy's Rumination:
          Fools rush in where fools have been before.

MacKenzie's First Law:
          If it's not on paper, it doesn't exist.

Cole's Rules:

  1. The human mind is like a parachute - it functions best when it is open.
  2. The only angle from which to approach a problem is the try-angle.

The Ultimate Wisdom:
          The only alternative to perseverance is failure.

Maiorella's Mistake:
          You only think it is possible to exceed the limits of possibility.

Becker's Law:
          It's always much harder to find a job than to keep one.

Lord Falkland's Rule:
          When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.

Fitz-Gibbon's Law:
          Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.

Holoway's Hollering:
          It's better to be lucky than smart.

John Newbern's Law:
          People can be divided into three groups: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate:
          Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Bukota's Typographical Truths:

  1. Typographical errors will be found only after the final copy is bound and mailed.
  2. Typographical errors appear in inverse proportion to the number of syllables in the misspelled word.
  3. Engineers can catch misspellings only in words written by someone that's not an engineer.
  4. The incidence of missed typographical errors increases in direct proportion to the number of people who will see the copy.
  5. The incidence of missed typographical errors increases in direct proportion to the size of the letters in the copy (about 1-3 errors per point size, but that proportion isn't proven beyond doubt).
  6. Success in finding typographical errors is in inverse proportion to the finder's income and number of years of education. Ask the janitor.

Murrow's Observation:
          The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes longer.

Dr. Boyson's Rule:
          When policy fails, try thinking.

Hadley's Law:
          Don't ever confuse motion with progress.

Gordie's Thought:
          Only the stupid, the hurried, and the strong close a reference book upon satisfactory completion of the original search.

Kelso's Observation:
          The only one who got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

An Advertising Axiom:
          Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.

Pope's Rule:
          Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

The Transcription Law:
          The number of errors made is equal to the number of squares employed.

Field's First Law of Success:
          If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Zymurgy's Law on the Availability of Volunteer Labor:
          People are always available for work in the past tense.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving-System Dynamics:
          Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a longer can.

Sheetz's Ruminations:

  1. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  2. A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
  3. You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
  4. To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.
  5. When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
  6. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was reward.
  7. Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those who do.

Lewis' Lament:
          When all is said and done, there's more said than done.

Mesikimen's Law:
          There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

Gianni's CPA Rule:
          An assumption is the first step toward a screw-up.

Davidson's Law of Inquiry:
          People ask stupid questions for a reason.

Robbin's Rules of Marketing:

  1. Your share of the market is really lower than you think.
  2. Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  3. The combined market position goals of all competitors always totals at least 150 per cent.
  4. The existence of a market does not insure the existence of a customer.
  5. Strategies develop most easily from big backlogs.
  6. Beware of alleged needs that have no real market.
  7. The worth of a thing is what it will bring.
  8. Low price and long shipment will win over high price and short shipment.
  9. Umbrella pricing encourages noncompetitive costs.
  10. The competition really can have lower prices.
  11. If you can't get the whole job, settle for part of it.
  12. The number of competitors never declines.
  13. Secret negotiations are usually neither.
  14. A good presentation has as many questions as answers.
  15. If the customer wants vanilla, give him vanilla.
  16. If the customer buys lunch, you've lost the order.
  17. Unless constantly nurtured, nothing is as short-lived as a good customer.
  18. No matter how good the deal, the customer is always skeptical.

White's Observations of Committee Operation:

  1. People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create.
  2. A really new idea affronts current agreement.

Dalgish's Law:
          Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Gill's Law:
          Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Rahilly's Rule for Secretarial Efficiency:
          Work smarder and not harder and be careful or yor spelling.

Stovall's Law of Negative Inaction:
          The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

Allen's Truism:
          He who attacks must vanquish; he who defends must merely survive.

Thurber's Law:
          There is no safety in numbers, or anything else.

Ward's Laws:

  1. Those who live by their wits are obliged to live beyond their means.
  2. Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night slows mail arriving at its destination as effectively as the affixing of a special delivery stamp.

Stockmeyer's Theorem:
          If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.

Gresham's Law:
          Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved.

Couvier's Law:
          There's nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.

Rayburn's Rule:
          If you want to get along, go along.

Archy's Maxim:
          An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience

Yeck's Rumination:
          Luck is the chief factor behind the other fellow's success.

Bittel's Theory of Mass Dynamics:
          I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway.

The Law of Thumb:
          Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Kostreski's Theory:
          If at first you don't succeed - find someone who knows what he's doing.

Martin-Berthelot's Principle:
          Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the action that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Ray's Rueful Rumination:
          The world is full of surprises, very few of which are pleasant.

Law of Selective Advancement:
          The man who knows "how" will always have a job. The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.

Linton's Laws:

  1. Growth is directly proportionate to promises made; profit is inversely proportionate to promises kept.
  2. An accurate determination of the depth of the well cannot be made by measuring the pump handle.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both.

Cannon's Cogent Comment:
          If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

A Traveling Man's First Law:
          Nothing vouchered, nothing gained.

Captain Risser's Law:
          If it's in stock, we have it.

Gossage's Corollary:
          If you come up with a lemon, make lemonade.

Swinging-Door Maxim:
          Some say PUSH is the secret of success, others say PULL.

Drooker's Drool:
          No one can be unhappy while eating a bagel.

Podnos' Law:
          One is tolerant only of that which does not concern him.

The Law of Superiority:
          The first example of a superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of a inferior principle.

Lenz's Law:
          Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Hood's Warning:
          Be sure the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear.

Nolan's Observation:
          The difference between smart people and dumb people isn't that smart people don't make mistakes. They just don't keep making the same mistake over and over again.

Jack and Eric's Law:
          All work and no play means you make money hand over fist.

Comb's Truths of Management:

  1. To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.
  2. A good manager makes the correct decision on the basis of few or no facts.
  3. Never make a decision until the last possible moment; you may receive new information.

Cundall's Conclusion:
          Letters beginning "Dear Sir" will always be opened by a woman, usually an officer in the Women's Lib movement.

Cundall's Typing Theory:
          The amount of typing which comes due on any one day in an office is in direct correlation to the absentee record of the office typist.

Cundall's Advertising Agency Rule:
          Advertising agencies which win major national promotion awards invariably lose the account immediately thereafter.

Thoughts for the Day:

  1. Make someone happy today - mind your own business.
  2. A sandwich is an attempt to make both ends meat.
  3. Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.

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