Profound Principles for the Profound

Greeniaus's Summations:
  1. If you're pushing fifty, that's exercise enough.
  2. To say nothing often reflects a fine command of the English language.
  3. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Hutchinson's "Old Faithful" Aphorism:
          Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.

Bye's First Law of Model Railroading:
          Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.

Mark Twain's Postulate:
          Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Grunewald's Thought for the Day:
          In order to take someone for a ride, you have to be ready to go for a ride.

W. C. Field's Observation:
          Dogs are no good, because the sons of bitches (and they are, you know) wet on flowers.

Dino's Wisdom:
          An aptly thrown cup and saucer is cheaper than any other form of therapy.

Chisholm's Law of Human Interaction:
          Anytime things appear to be gong better - you have overlooked something.

Daniel's Rule:
          A man who wants to read and write must let the grass grow long.

Another Old Chestnut:
          The only perfect science is hindsight.

Booth's Barhopping Observation:
          A bartender who nips or steals a little but is courteous, jovial, and happy toward customers is worth more on the payroll than a computer-regulated, cash-checking, efficient grouch who doesn't make off with a single ounce of booze.

Malorekian's Law:
          A body in motion pushed by a huge fear doubles in force.

Gentry's Motto:
          All some people expect in life is a fair advantage.

Rupp's Laws:

  1. Any instrument that requires amplification probably should not be heard.
  2. In decorating Christmas trees, you always need one more string of lights.

Bryson's Rule:
          We get so concerned with urgent, we never have time to deal with the important.

Lucy's Law:
          The alternative to getting old is depressing.

Beginner's-Luck Definition:
          Being born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

The First Law of Mathematics:
          The answer has to look right.

Schwab's Commentary on Travel:
          You can never really get away - you can only take yourself somewhere else.

Grandmother Blackburn's Mental Umbrella:
          Always be prepared for the worst. If it happens, you are ready for it. If it doesn't, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Sherman's Rule:
          Use your talents. The woods would be silent if only the birds sang that sing the best.

Karl Marx's Afterthought:
          The masses are the opium of religion.

Whitehead's Rule:
          Seek simplicity, and distrust it.

Gordon's Axiom:
          Cynicism is as parasitic as patriotism, but as long as man is a damned idiot, both are necessary.

An Oscar Wilde-ism:
          What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

Van Tree's Verity:
          To install is holy, to sell divine.

Ettorre's Observation:
          The othe line moves faster.

J. B. S. Haldane's Law:
          ... the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.

Courtois's Rule:
          If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.

Parkinson's Laws:

  1. Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.
  2. Expenditures rise to meet income.
  3. If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
  4. The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Dolan's Law:
          We do the right thing accidentally far more often than on purpose.

Daughter Schwab's Commentary on Being Witty:
          If you're so funny, why aren't you happy?

Richards' Reasoning:
          Don't believe in superstition; it brings bad luck.

Levinson's Observations:

  1. Don't be so broadminded that your brains fall out.
  2. There is no mistake in life beyond which all is down hill.
  3. A doppess is always dropping things, but a shlemiel picks up after him.

Bartig's Maxim:
          The best way to break a habit is to drop it.

Nonfunctioning-lnstruments Definition:
          Your car stalls fifty miles out on a desert road and the gas gauge still registers FULL.

The Machinist's Law of Diminishing Dimensions:
          Grease is cheaper than steel.

George Santayana's Rumination:
          Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

Peckham's Law:
          Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Dr. Conklin's Summations:

  1. The girl who can't dance says the band is lousy.
  2. You should be very careful with your pretenses, for you are what you pretend to be.
  3. When you wish for something, two things will happen. One of them is that you don't get your wish. The other is that you do.
  4. Gentlemen's agreements can get very ungentlemanly.
  5. Corollary: Verbal agreements lead to verbal disagreements.
  6. Corollary: In an argument, it is a mistake to allow your opponent to establish the definitions of the situations.

The "I GotTroubles" Law:
          Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

Brewer's Observation:
          No good deed goes unpunished.

McFadden's Observation:
          It's true that money talks, but the only thing it says to some people is "Good-by."

McFadden's Addendum to Poor Richard's Almanac:
          To go to bed late and get up early, makes a man cross, mean, and surly.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
          It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

The Second Theory of Relativity:
          If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.

Satchel Paige's Law:
          Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

Nolan's Observation:
          Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

The "It's the Only Way" Rule:
          Living well is the best revenge.

Zall's Law:

  1. Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
  2. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Reeves's Old Russian Proverb:
          When you say "No," you never regret it.

Steiner's Statements:

  1. Never eat in a restaurant named Mom's, play poker with a man named Doc, or buy a car from a man named Frenchy.
  2. There's a great difference between right and wrong, but sometimes it's difficult to tell which is which.
  3. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

The Digger's Dilemma, or the Law of Augmented Returns:
          More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Schalk's Law:
          If you have to tell people you're famous - you aren't.

Frenza's Rule:
          A thing not looked for is seldom found.

Burr's Law:
          You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and that's sufficient.

Smart's Rule:
          When you tell a thing three times - it's true.

Sultan's Slant:
          When no one is willing to listen to you, THINK.

John's Axiom:
          When your opponent is down, kick him.

Van Roy's Law:
          Buy in haste - repair at leisure.

Nowlan's Observation:
          Ideally, every morning a man should be older, heavier, uglier, and have a deeper voice than his wife.

Canada Bill Jone's Supplement:
          A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

Teller's Commentary:
          Whoever learns to control the weather will have destroyed the last safe topic of conversation.

Sam's Despair:
          The worst thing about ignorance is its insistency.

Sam's Sadness:
          Whatever goes up will go up some more after the first of the year.

Hartley's Second Law:
          Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

George Bernard Shaw's Word:
          The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Subby's Simile:
          One man's meat is another man's poison, or, kitty heaven is mousie hell.

Weiler's Law:
          Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it himself.

Mattuck's Directive:
          It's a law. Don't ask why - memorize it.

Seltzer's Suggestions:

  1. If you don't want to see trees, stay out of the forest.
  2. Do unto others as they should do unto you but won't.
  3. It's the best of all possible worlds, and that's the way the ball bounces.

Simon's Law:
          Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Judith Cohen's Assumption:
          William Tell, Jr., had headaches.

Cook's Profound Principle:
          A marksman is one who shoots first, and whatever he hits, he calls the target.

Goodman's Observations:

  1. You promote creative thinking by reducing the number of subjects taught.
  2. Technology is a way of multiplying the need for the unessential.

Bert's Bulwark:
          If it is worth fighting for, it is worth fighting dirty for.

Fetridge's Law:
          Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking.

Grandma Soderquist's Frustration:
          Whenever Grandma bakes an apple pie, it's never, ever, quite up to Grandpa's mother's standards.

The Porcine Probability Principle:
          Even a blind pig will find an acorn once in a while.

Ben Franklin's Observations:

  1. Fish and guests smell in three days.
  2. Tart words make no friends: a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
  3. Most People return sznall favors, acknowledge medium ones, and repay great ones-with ingratitude.
  4. One rotten apple spoils the barrel.
  5. Love your neighbor, but don't tear down your hedges.
  6. Love your enemies, for they will tell you your faults.
  7. Whoever lies with dogs, rises with fleas.
  8. In the affairs of the world, men are saved not by faith but by the lack of it.

Law of Despair:
          You can't thrust your hands deeply into your pockets if the holes in them are too large.

Napier's Maxim:
          When you have a bottle of champagne, you will have something to celebrate.

First Law of Bridge:
          It's always your partner's fault.

Kemper's Conclusion:
          Everyone serves a purpose in life, even if it is to be a horrible exmple.

Allen's Principle:
          The advantage of being a pessimist is that all your surprises are pleasant.

Loren William's Belief:
          Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.

The Fair-Weather-Friend Definition:
          Those that borrow your lawn mower instead of your umbrella.

Cliff's Law:
          Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Knight's Notion:
          Curiosity kills more mice than cats.

Leach's Observation:
          Don't knock irritants. How else would we get pearls?

Poor's Law of Game Theory:
          Most games are easier to kibitz than to play.

Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryographic Systems:
          While bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in the presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combine translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss.

Vali's Axiom:
          In any human enterprise, works seeks the lowest hierarchical level.

Telly's Truisms:

  1. A sinner can reform, but stupid is forever.
  2. One seventh of our lives is spent on Mondays.

Ornithologist's Theory:
          One good tern deserves another.

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