Ruminations for the Rough and Ready

Marcus Aurelius' Maxim:
          A man's life is dyed the color of his imagination.

Martha's Maxim:
          If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy.

Hill's First Law of Salesmanship:
          Treat the customer like a mushroom; keep him in the dark and spread manure on him at frequent intervals.

Glatter's Rule:
          Always eat before going to a wedding, funeral, confirmation, or bar mitzvah because it will be a long time between services and meals.

Bucy's Law:
          Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Schafer's Axiom:
          Children, as a class, flunk.

The Ultimate-Confusion Rule:
          The little boy who dropped his chewing gum in the chicken yard.

Jones's Law:
          The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Jones's Motto:
          Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

McClaughry's Codicil on Jones's Motto:
          To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

The First Law of Debate:
          Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.

Van Hoffman's Adage:
          We are the people our parents warned us against.

Cusick's Postulate:
          Suicide is confession and confession is suicide.

The Law of Probable Dispersal, or the "How Come it All Landed on Me?" Law:
          Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:
          In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.

Horace's Hypothesis:
          Life is largely a matter of expectation.

Pastore's Truths:

  1. Even paranoids have enemies.
  2. This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
  3. Regarding alcohol, four is more than more than enough.

Green's Law:
          You cannot afford to be funny unless you are paid for it.

Pudder's Law:
          Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

George's Lament:
          The one exception to the rule that what goes up must come down is the landing gear.

Lowery's Law:
          If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Starr's Law:
          It's only the people who you don't know who know what they're doing.

Gentry's Rule:
          If ambition doesn't hurt, you haven't got it.

Ferris' Frothing:
          Whatever their faults, the Communists never created canned laughter.

Kelly's Observations:

  1. Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.
  2. Lots of people suffer from saloon arthritis - every night they get stiff in another joint.

Mom's Law:
          If you play with anything long enough, it breaks.

Searle's Sage Sample:
          The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.

Raven's Ravings:

  1. "Gesundheit" means "shut up" in English.
  2. The way to a man's heart is through his veins.
  3. An energy crisis will never stop motor-mouths.
  4. The best things in life aren't things.
  5. If at first you don't succeed, clutch for whatever you can get.

Flucard's Corollary:
          Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

Wright's Conclusion:
          Man cannot live by bread alone.

Mahr's Law of Restrained Involvement:
          Don't get any on you.

Dad's Longevity Law:
          Abstain from wine, women, and song. Mostly song.

The Go-Getter Rule:
          Let them that don't want none have memories of not gettin' any.

Parkinson's Law of Delay:
          Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

The Apothegm of Disillusioned Wisdom:
          The only way to compensate for the shortness of life is to wear a long face.

Mark Twain's Law of Fisticuffs:
          Place your nose firmly between your opponent's teeth and throw him heavily to the ground on top of you.

Ellenberg's Theory:
          One good turn gets most of the blanket.

The Tarnished Golden Rule:

  1. Do unto others and do it fast.
  2. Do unto others before they do unto you.

Cannon's Cogent Comments:

  1. You are not a carpenter until you've run one finger through the saw; if you run too many fingers through the saw, you're not a carpenter.
  2. A fool and his money share the same mattress.

Milton Friedman's Observation:
          Human beings are distinguished from other animals more by their ability to rationalize than their ability to reason.

The Happy Hunter's Prayer:
          Let me meet a girl who already has had enough to drink.

Ziegier's Observation:
          It's a great life, if you weaken early enough to enjoy it.

The Attorney's Axiom:
          Every good question breeds good and bad questions - and usually the person who asks the bad questions can't be stopped by good answers.

Dr. August's Law:
          The less influence you have-the longer you wait.

Winston Churchill's Commentary on Man:
          Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he just picks himself up and stumbles on.

Babe Ruth's Rule:
          Him what hits 'em goes and gits 'em.

Bonetti's Law:
          The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.

Porter's Axiom:
          Pain is forgotten; insult lingers on.

Law of Selective Attractiveness:
          Getting anything changes it from being desirable to just being taken for granted.

Martino's Corollary:
          It's not what you don't know that hurts you; it's all those things you know that aren't so.

Ponsy's Postulates:

  1. Pray as if it were up to God, but work as if it were up to you.
  2. He who blows his horn the loudest, does so because he's usually in a fog.
  3. A speech, to be immortal, does not have to be eternal.
  4. Intuition is reason in a hurry.
  5. Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.
  6. Many a person has gone to their sarcophagus by what they put down their esophagus.

Bolior's Bromide:
          Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

Plaut's Postulate:
          Apathy is becoming a major problem-but who cares?

The Undertaker's Amendment:
          Every shroud has a silver lining.

The Sukhomlinov Law:
          The most brilliantly dressed army will usually lose.

Max's Maxim:
          I'm for whoever gets you through the night-whether he be Jesus Christ or Jack Daniel.

Hagerty's Law:
          If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.

The Apartment Dweller's Law:
          Your upstairs neighbors dance, your downstairs neighbors hit the roof, and your next-door neighbors play handball.

The Apartment Dweller's Corollary:
          Neighbors never sleep.

Busch's Logical Conclusion:
          When you are young, your security is your youth. When you are old, you damn well better have money.

Sid's Sayings:

  1. You can't win them all, if you don't win the first one.
  2. You never learn anything with your mouth open.

Buerk's Conclusion:

  1. Always know where the exit is.
  2. Anticipate trouble, but don't go out looking for it.
  3. Assume nothing.
  4. All behavior is purposeful.

Schwartz's Obsevration:
          Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed.

More of Murphy's Laws:

  1. "In closing" is always followed by the other half of the speech.
  2. Old boomerangs are hard to throw away.
  3. The whole world is on back order.
  4. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
  5. Hell has no fury like an unjustified assumption.

Mottler's Conclusion:
          The scheduled program that is most widely publicized locally will be preempted nationally.

Lazarus' Observation:
          Familiarity breeds consent.

Hoffman's Corollary:
          The number of times you "gotta go" has a direct correlation with the number of toilets in the house.

Ferris' Conclusion:
          Middle age is that wonderful period between the time when you don't know how and the time when you can't.

Ferris' Question:
          It may be nature's way for mules to bray and chickens to cackle, but why must they always congregate in TV's studio audiences?

Keegan's Corollary:
          Many Irishmen grow grapes-for raisins of their own.

Grandma Soderquist's Sage Thought:
          The family that has taffy-pulls together, sticks together.

Golden Rules of Indulgence:

  1. Everything in excess.
  2. To enjoy the full flavor of life, always take big bites.
  3. Moderation is for monks.

McGoon's Law:
          The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.

Gumperson's Laws of Perverse Opposites:

  1. The forecasting record of the Weather Bureau, despite its use of the most advanced equipment, technology and highly trained personnel, was not as good as that of The Old Farmer's Almanac.
  2. The girl at the race track who bets according to the color of the jockeys' shirts picks more winners than the man who has studied the past performance of every horse on the program.
  3. After a raise in salary you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
  4. The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.

Shafer's Truisms:

SUPPLY AND DEMAND: Lack of money is the root of all compromise.

THE NUCLEAR REACTOR HYPOTHESIS: We'll all go together when we go.

THE SECURITY OATH: Ask your mother.

THE DISILLUSIONMENT PRINCIPLE: There's nothing new under the sun.

THE BUDDY SYSTEM: Succeed on your own, or not at all.

THE DIPLOMACY PLOY: If you don't grow vegetables, it helps to praise and admire the garden in your neighbor's yard.

THE "PAY-OFF" THEORY: Only losers believe in luck, horses, horoscopes, and lotteries.

PROGRESS METHODOLOGY: Bribes and. threats produce miracles.

THE ULTIMATE ONE-UPMANSHIP: Be sure your dog can lick every dog in your neighborhood.

THE BEHAVIOR-MODIFICATION CONCEPT: Some people are born rich and some are born poor. Rich is better.

THE FUTURE-SHOCK HYPOTHESIS: The time to leave is when the tar is hot, the feathers loose, and you see two men walking toward you with a pole.

THE EMPLOYEE'S POSITION: The establishment in any field seldom earns it pay.

THE "WE DO IT ALL FOR YOU" FUNCTION: The function of McDonald's is quite simple: Women's Liberation.

THE AMERICAN INDIAN CONCLUSION: When the chips are down, guns and troops count more than beads and blankets.

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