AND RAMBUNCTIOUS RUMINATIONS
FOR ALL WALKS OF LIFE...
|Ruminations for the Rough and Ready|
If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy.
Hill's First Law of Salesmanship:
Treat the customer like a mushroom; keep him in the dark and spread manure on him at frequent intervals.
Always eat before going to a wedding, funeral, confirmation, or bar mitzvah because it will be a long time between services and meals.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Children, as a class, flunk.
The Ultimate-Confusion Rule:
The little boy who dropped his chewing gum in the chicken yard.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
McClaughry's Codicil on Jones's Motto:
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
The First Law of Debate:
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.
Van Hoffman's Adage:
We are the people our parents warned us against.
Suicide is confession and confession is suicide.
The Law of Probable Dispersal, or the "How Come it All Landed on Me?" Law:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:
In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
Life is largely a matter of expectation.
You cannot afford to be funny unless you are paid for it.
Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
The one exception to the rule that what goes up must come down is the landing gear.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
It's only the people who you don't know who know what they're doing.
If ambition doesn't hurt, you haven't got it.
Whatever their faults, the Communists never created canned laughter.
If you play with anything long enough, it breaks.
Searle's Sage Sample:
The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Man cannot live by bread alone.
Mahr's Law of Restrained Involvement:
Don't get any on you.
Dad's Longevity Law:
Abstain from wine, women, and song. Mostly song.
The Go-Getter Rule:
Let them that don't want none have memories of not gettin' any.
Parkinson's Law of Delay:
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
The Apothegm of Disillusioned Wisdom:
The only way to compensate for the shortness of life is to wear a long face.
Mark Twain's Law of Fisticuffs:
Place your nose firmly between your opponent's teeth and throw him heavily to the ground on top of you.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
The Tarnished Golden Rule:
Cannon's Cogent Comments:
Milton Friedman's Observation:
Human beings are distinguished from other animals more by their ability to rationalize than their ability to reason.
The Happy Hunter's Prayer:
Let me meet a girl who already has had enough to drink.
It's a great life, if you weaken early enough to enjoy it.
The Attorney's Axiom:
Every good question breeds good and bad questions - and usually the person who asks the bad questions can't be stopped by good answers.
Dr. August's Law:
The less influence you have-the longer you wait.
Winston Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he just picks himself up and stumbles on.
Babe Ruth's Rule:
Him what hits 'em goes and gits 'em.
The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.
Pain is forgotten; insult lingers on.
Law of Selective Attractiveness:
Getting anything changes it from being desirable to just being taken for granted.
It's not what you don't know that hurts you; it's all those things you know that aren't so.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
Apathy is becoming a major problem-but who cares?
The Undertaker's Amendment:
Every shroud has a silver lining.
The Sukhomlinov Law:
The most brilliantly dressed army will usually lose.
I'm for whoever gets you through the night-whether he be Jesus Christ or Jack Daniel.
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
The Apartment Dweller's Law:
Your upstairs neighbors dance, your downstairs neighbors hit the roof, and your next-door neighbors play handball.
The Apartment Dweller's Corollary:
Neighbors never sleep.
Busch's Logical Conclusion:
When you are young, your security is your youth. When you are old, you damn well better have money.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed.
More of Murphy's Laws:
The scheduled program that is most widely publicized locally will be preempted nationally.
Familiarity breeds consent.
The number of times you "gotta go" has a direct correlation with the number of toilets in the house.
Middle age is that wonderful period between the time when you don't know how and the time when you can't.
It may be nature's way for mules to bray and chickens to cackle, but why must they always congregate in TV's studio audiences?
Many Irishmen grow grapes-for raisins of their own.
Grandma Soderquist's Sage Thought:
The family that has taffy-pulls together, sticks together.
Golden Rules of Indulgence:
The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
Gumperson's Laws of Perverse Opposites:
SUPPLY AND DEMAND: Lack of money is the root of all compromise.
THE NUCLEAR REACTOR HYPOTHESIS: We'll all go together when we go.
THE SECURITY OATH: Ask your mother.
THE DISILLUSIONMENT PRINCIPLE: There's nothing new under the sun.
THE BUDDY SYSTEM: Succeed on your own, or not at all.
THE DIPLOMACY PLOY: If you don't grow vegetables, it helps to praise and admire the garden in your neighbor's yard.
THE "PAY-OFF" THEORY: Only losers believe in luck, horses, horoscopes, and lotteries.
PROGRESS METHODOLOGY: Bribes and. threats produce miracles.
THE ULTIMATE ONE-UPMANSHIP: Be sure your dog can lick every dog in your neighborhood.
THE BEHAVIOR-MODIFICATION CONCEPT: Some people are born rich and some are born poor. Rich is better.
THE FUTURE-SHOCK HYPOTHESIS: The time to leave is when the tar is hot, the feathers loose, and you see two men walking toward you with a pole.
THE EMPLOYEE'S POSITION: The establishment in any field seldom earns it pay.
THE "WE DO IT ALL FOR YOU" FUNCTION: The function of McDonald's is quite simple: Women's Liberation.
THE AMERICAN INDIAN CONCLUSION: When the chips are down, guns and troops count more than beads and blankets.