Potpourri Principles

Meade's Maxim:
          Always remember that you are absolutely unique. just like everyone else.

Telly's Truism:
          Not all heads are perfect-some have hair on them.

The Airplane Law:
          When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

The Law of the Lost Inch:

In designing any type of construction, no over-all dimension can be correctly totaled after 4 P.m. Friday.
Corollary 1: Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to 1/16th of an inch, they cannot be totaled at all.
Corollary 2: The correct total will be self-evident at 9:01 Monday morning.

Shalit's Law:
          The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.

The Antique Dealer's Law:
          If you've seen one artifact - you've seen them all.

Quaiver's Law:
          Most convicted criminals appeal to judges.

A Historical Possibility:
          Bluebeard collected alimony.

Greene's Rule:
          The best thing to hold onto in this world is each other.

Keith's Observation:
          The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; it often gets replaced.

Tarne's Truism:
          For youth, the length of a summer evening is inversely proportionate to the number of children playing in the block.

Bell's Rumination:
          Nothing stimulates the appetite like an empty billfold.

Stanley Marcus' Postulate:
          When business is good, no buyer is ever as good as she thinks she is; when business is bad, no buyer is ever as bad as management thinks she is.

Ruzek's Laws:

  1. Humor is serious business.
  2. People are promoted not by what they can do, but what people think they can do.

Chisholm's Second Law:

Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Corollary 3: Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
Corollary 4: No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Van Oech's Law:
          An expert really doesn't know anymore than you do. He is merely better organized and has slides.

Harding's Happy Homily:
          It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Malek's Law:
          Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Henry the Movie-Goer's Rule:.
          You have to stay to the end of the movie to find out how it comes out.

T. H. White's Conclusion:
          The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

George Bernard Shaw's Principle:
          Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

The "Don't Look Behind You" Axiom:
          The past was employed, but didn't work.

Beifeld's Principle:
          The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better-looking and richer male friend.

Longfellow's Observation:
          It takes less time to do something right than it takes to explain why you did it wrong.

Griffin's Law:
          To live forever, acquire a chronic illness and take care of it.

Kipling's Errata:
          If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem.

William's Law:
          There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Ben Franklin's Basic Law of Confidentiality:
          Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Weaver's Law:
          When several reporters share a cab on assignment, the reporter in the front seat always gets stuck for the fare.

Weaver's Corollary:
          No matter how many reporters share a cab and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.

Nostalgic Rumination No. 1:
          Pollution is increasing; remember when walking on water was a divine act?

Nostalgic Rumination No. 2:
          Remember when the word "plant" referred to a flower?

Anthony's Ruminations:

  1. Little white lies are for golfers.
  2. nr2 is a Grecian formula.
  3. Equal opportunities are for the dead.
  4. Build a better mousetrap - if you hate cats.
  5. Overpopulation is not a disease - it's a growth.

Van Roy's Postulates:

  1. Never whisper to the deaf or wink at the blind.
  2. You can't tell a book by its movie.
  3. Recipe for trouble: believe all you hear and repeat it.

Paulsen's Rule:
          Enter a purported contest and be on the sponsor's sucker list for life.

Grandma Soderquist's Study of Human Nature:
          It'll save you an awful lot of time if, before entering any contest, you get a look at the judges.

The Law of Communications:
          The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels of hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Lazar's Law:
          When in the course of human affairs - your spouse always finds out.

Jogn Law of Collateral:
          In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Raynes's Realistic Conclusion:
          A cynic is an idealist turned inside out.

Kitman's Law:
          Pure drivel on the TV screen tends to drive off ordinary drivel.

The "I Owe It All to My Better Half" Law:
          I am today, what my wife has made me. I shudder in fear when I think that maybe she'll change her mind again.

Kaufman s Rule:
          Agnosticism is legalistic religion.

The Harper's Magazine Law:
          You never find an article until you replace it.

A Rumination for Bachelors:
          A bachelor is a fox longing for the grapes he judges sour.

Johnson's Law:
          There's nothing to scratch but the surface.

Schiffman's Supplement:
          If you feed them well enough, they'll never remember what you said.

Vigue's Law:
          A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Mrs. Murphy's Corollary or the Law of the Perversity of Nature:
          You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Gonzales' Observation:
          The passage of time is as amusing as a week-old burrito.

The Axiom of the Pipe:
          A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Roxalana's Rule:
          Just expect people to be people.

Flannegan's Finagling Factor:
          That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

Martha's Maxim:
          If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.

Dolores' Dabblings:

  1. Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
  2. Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
  3. The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.

Chopin's Postulate:
          English is merely French spelled poorly, or all philosophies are different roads leading to the same station.

Booker's Law:
          An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

Brown's Law of Business Success:
          Our customer's paper work is profit. Our own paper work is loss.

Oler's Theorem:

Everybody needs a certain level of misery in his life to ever be happy.

Corollary 1: If his misery falls below his critical level, he becomes unhappy and is driven to seek new misery.

Corollary 2: When his total misery rises to his critical level he becomes happy again.

Suster's Rule:
          He who is most concerned is always last to hear.

Humpty Dumpty's Rumination:
          When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.

Alice's Corollary:
          The question is whether you can make words mean so many different things.

Lippka's Law:
          When the world falls into complete moral decay, don't be so old you can't enjoy it.

The Holiday Turkey Laws:

  1. The size of a turkey bears no relation to the amount of hash it will produce.
  2. At any given dinner where a single turkey is carved, three of the guests will ask for wings.
  3. Regardless of what time a wife serves a holiday dinner, it will cause her husband to miss the last half of the TV football game.
  4. The job of carving a turkey is always assigned to the person least capable of carrying it out.
  5. The space available in an electric refrigerator contracts or expands in inverse ratio to the amount of leftovers.

Samuel's Maxim:
          If you think the world is against you-it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't.

Elkin's Law:
          If it's tainted money - it's usually because 'taint mine.

A Law of Changing Times:
          Florists now go to school for a year to learn how to make real flowers look like plastic.

Whidden's Growl:
          The amateur is the one with all the answers.

May's Mordant Maxim:
          A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor.

Cook's Cogitations:

  1. When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
  2. A little lie sometimes saves a ton of explanations.
  3. A theory is always better than its explanation.

Metcalfe's Musing:
          Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

Big George's Observation:
          The beauty of most women is inversely proportional to the distance of the observer.

Bula's Truisms:

  1. Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a superficial world.
  2. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, yet pin-ups find plenty of room.

Schwartz's Law of Mathematics:
          When in doubt, figure it out.

The Born-Loser Definition:
          The guy who loses even in his own fantasies.

The Rule of Elderly Survival:
          If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, you have a pair like it somewhere in the closet.

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