AND RAMBUNCTIOUS RUMINATIONS
FOR ALL WALKS OF LIFE...
|Inserts to Make a Speech Successful|
People who park on the cast side of a football stadium will invariably have seats on the west side.
The driver's side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.
The Apartment Washing-Machine Corollary:
Whenever you need to use the washer and drier, someone else will have beaten you to it, and, conversely, it's never in use when you don't need it.
Family reunions are all relative.
A cosigner is the man in the next cell.
The "Nature Abhors the Vertical" Law:
Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can lie down.
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance trom the actual event.
Sir George Savile's Rule:
Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time, you can create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.
Gerken's First Observation:
Mirrors are twice as good as windows-you only have to clean one side to see clearly.
Gerken's Second Observation:
How can you tell if somebody's trying if they never succeed?
The Housewife's Lament:
Keeping house is like stringing beads with no knot in the end of the thread.
The Spare-Parts Principle:
Accessibility during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible comer.
The Corollary to Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
On its way to the corner, any dropped tool will always first strike your toes.
The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
In the summer, bus windows never open. In the winter, bus windows never close.
No shoelace ever broke being untied.
Terman's Law of Innovation:
If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
The Borgia Family Byword:
It is better to be hated than to be ignored.
Bill's Pill for All Ills:
Although living to a ripe old age may not guarantee health, wealth, and happiness, it certainly beats the other alternative.
Dr. Conklin's Rules:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on the grand fallacy.
The "Hi Mom" Rule:
Mothers-in-law are just like mothers, except you don't love them.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Russ the Male Chauvinist's Observation:
Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it.
The Bicycle Law:
Thirty-pound bicycles need a twenty-pound lock and chain,
Forty-pound bicycles need a ten-pound lock and chain.
Fifty-pound bicycles need no lock and chain.
Sandra Litoff's First Rule on Husbands:
The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.
The Light-Under-the-Bushel-Basket Law:
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Don Kaul's Conclusion:
Someday birds will fly the ocean like men-in big silver planes.
The Carpenter's Rule:
Cut to fit; beat into place.
The Show-Biz Axiom:
The day before your singing debut, you will get laryngitis.
If spilled, there's no such thing as "a little water."
Howard's First Law of Theater:
Stamp's Traveler's Lament:
Why is it that you arrive in Cedar Falls and your baggage arrives in Honolulu, but never the other way around?
Painter's Rule of the Road:
Two wrongs won't make a right, but three rights will make a left.
Barker's Laws of the Highway:
The Observation of Archimedes G. Bell:
When a body is immersed in water-the telephone rings.
An ill-dressed person may or may not be a bum, but a person who is always well dressed is surely a crook.
Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the floor-especially in the dark.
At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoestore, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
Petty's Poignant Philosophies:
You can't depend on anyone to be wrong all the time.
Remarriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience.
Trusty Truism No. 23:
English started losing touch with reality with the word "if" and finished the job with the word "parameter."
The IRS Headache Law:
The wages of sin are unreported.