Written Proof That Life Isn't All That Serious

Kegley's Principle of Deduction:
          If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets.

Kegley's Principle of Change:
          It is easier to behave your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of behaving.

The Laws of Gardening:

  1. Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
  2. Fancy gizmos don't work.
  3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
  4. You get the most of what you need the least.

Kelly's Postulate:
          A man is known by the company he keeps - avoiding.

Dr. Wood's Thought:
          It is better to have poor taste than no taste at all.

Red's Rumination:
          Even with a nightcap, a wolf looks nothing like a grandmother.

J. M. Barrie's Admission:
          I am not young enough to know everything.

Levy's Laws:

  1. To have a sense of humor is to be a tragic figure.
  2. Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.
  3. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
  4. Eternal boredom is the price of vigilance.

Gentry's Conclusion:
          Virtue is just vice at rest.

James Abbott McNeill Whistler's Conclusion:
          If other people are going to talk, conversation is simply impossible.

Johnson's Definition of Economics:
          A study of how men make money and how women spend it.

Camp's Law:
          A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

Woolworth's Law:
          Every crowd has a pilfer lining.

Johnson's Commentary on Incompatibility in Marriage:
          I'm not incompatible - you're incompatible.

Lafferty's Law:
          To test your capacity at a cocktail party, pinch both cheeks. If you feel nothing, have one more.

Nitzberg's Observation:

  1. A home is ruled by the sikest person in it.
  2. Some people have the personality of a STOP sign.
  3. If someone is terminally ill, he or she will usually stay alive for his or her birthday, anniversary, or some other special occasion.

Wolf's Law, or an Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World:
          It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Rice's Rumination:
          What the world needs is more geniuses with humility - there are so few of us left.

Henderson's Homily:
          The less you say, the less you have to take back.

Murphy's Thirteenth Law:
          There are no real secrets - only obfuscations.

Borstelmann's Rule:
          If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane;

Peter's Inversion:
          Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.

Peter's Perfect-People Palliative:
          Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people, we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-a-bitches.

Cohen's Laws of Innovation:

  1. Every innovative idea requires a finite number of dollars to convert it from concept to reality.
  2. After an initial threshold of financial support has been reached, the quality of the innovation is inversely proportional to the amount of money available for expenditures.
  3. Often the success of an innovative project is in the eyes of its creator.

Polly's Postulate:
          Propinquity is a function of procreation.

Another of Robert's Rules:
          Don't spend your gross salary.

Moise's Maxims:

  1. Eating a pound of fattening foods puts more weight on than not eating it takes off.
  2. The less chance you could successfully defend your income tax return, the greater the chance it will be randomly selected for audit.

Siwiak's Rule:
          The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.

Lyndon's Definition:
          An optimist is a father who lets his teen-age son take the car on a date. A pessimist is a father who will not. A cynic is a father who did.

Strup's Law:
          The importance of any given news event on television is directly proportionate to the amount of time remaining after the commercials.

The Phone Booth Rule:
          A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.

The Lewis Law:
          If your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.

Mick's Musings:

  1. Unlike Will Rogers, I have met many men I did not like.Or even tolerate, for that matter.
  2. If you are so martyred as to sit still and let a bore blather on, you deserve your fate.
  3. No woman looks better in a fur coat than the animal who gave his life to provide it. Except Arthur Lipshitz, the animal who provided several for some of my more receptive friends. And he died with a smile on his face.
  4. If you cannot say something kind, don't say anything. Unless it is about my ex-husband, in which case cancel the above and let 'er rip.

Steinmetz's Rumination:
          There are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

Griffin's Thoughts:

  1. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
  2. It's a wise man who lives with money in the bank. It's a fool who dies that way.

The Never-Lost-Hope Syndrome:
          It is always possible that someday 2 and 2 may turn out not to be four.

George Bernard Shaw's Reasoning:
          The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Long's Notes:

  1. A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
  2. It's better to copulate than never.
  3. Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
  4. Never appeal to a man's "better nature" - he might not have one.
  5. Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
  6. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
  7. Does history ever record any case in which the majority was right?
  8. You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as being too trusting.
  9. God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash, and in small bills.

The Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood's General Law of Dynamic Negatives:
          No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

The Strategic Air Command Aircrew Theorem:
          The aircrews will win the war despite the plan from higher headquarters.

The Principle of the Modest Despot:
          All I want is the place next to mine.

The Rule of Accuracy:
          When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

McClaughry's Law of Zoning:
          Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.

O'Brien's $357.73 Theory:
          Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

Gumperson's Law:
          The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

An Old English Proverb:
          Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, like good women, never see temptation when they meet it.

Form's Facts:

  1. Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.
  2. Poverty is life's cheapest lesson.

Norman Vincent Peale's Observation:
          America has become so tense and nervous it has been years since I've seen anyone asleep in church-and that's a bad situation.

Rear Admiral Pinney's Observations:

  1. The closer one climbs to the top of the heap, the more clearly one sees the feet of clay.
  2. If you don't get a reader's attention in the first paragraph, the remainder of your message is lost.

Jay's Laws of Leadership:

  1. Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.
  2. To build something that endures, it is of great importance to have a long tenure in office-to rule for many years. Quick success can be achieved in a year or two, but nearly all great tycoons have continued their building much longer.

The Kerr-Martin Law:
          In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the world's most extreme conservatives. In dealing with other people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Ben Franklin's Laws:

  1. Some are weatherwise, some are otherwise.
  2. There never was a good knife made of bad steel.
  3. Poverty wants some things, luxury many things, avarice all things.
  4. Keep yourself from the opportunity, and God will keep you from sin.
  5. A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines.

Velonis' Rules on Manufacturing and Specifying:

  1. After an instrument has been fully assembled and working, extra components will be found on the bench.
  2. Manufacturers' spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0, depending on which multiplier gives the most optimistic value. For salesmen's claims, these factors will be 0.1 or 10.0.

Bradley's Rule:
          Flattery is the sincerest form of lying.

Ward 's Old Swedish Corollary:
          If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.

Arthur Schopenhauer's Theorem:
          The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity.

Dr. Sloves's Theorem:
          The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Dr. Sloves's Rule:
          That which we resist the most is what we become.

David Brinkley's Observation:
          Stupidity is an almost sovereign force.

John Knowles's Law:
          Truth is plural and contingent.

Sherrnan's Conclusion:
          Rationalization is a mental technique which allows one to lie or cheat without feeling guilty.

Foster's Thought:
          If polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling companies?

Manfredi's Rule of Government:
          The arguments against taking action are always superior to those favoring it.

Henry Ford's Rumination:
          Under pressure, the mouth speaks when the brain is disengaged, and, sometimes unwittingly, the gearshift is in reverse when it should be in neutral.

Fishbein's Observation:
          The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Price's Principle:
          As we look ahead, time is interminable. As we look back, it is infinitesimal.

Bradford's Law:
          You can definitely make mistakes, but you can't make mistakes indefinitely.

Segal's Law:
          A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

The Worker's Dilemmas, or the Management's Put-Down Laws:

  1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
  2. What you. don't do is always more important than what you do do.

Finagle's New Laws of Information:

  1. The information we have is not what we want.
  2. The information we want is not what we need.
  3. The information we need is not available.

Eastman's Personnel Director's Law:
          Anyone who thinks there is some good in everyone hasn't interviewed enough people.

Stewart's Marriage Counsel Homily:
          If you can't realize your ideal, idealize the real.

Sunny Jim's Law:
          There's having and there's getting. Those who have, will always get. Those who get, will never have.

Ellenberg's Corollary:
          If a man fools me once - shame on him. If the same man fools me twice - shame on me.

Peers's Observation:
          Cheetahs are the world's fastest land animal. However, since they are never raced, cheetahs can never win.

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