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This Windows 95 hairball has become so big, so unmanageable, so hard to use, so hard to configure, so hard to keep up and running, so hard to keep secure. Windows 95 is a great gift to give your kid this Christmas because it will keep your kid fascinated for months trying to get it up and running and trying to figure out how to use it.

Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems

I have no mouth. And I must scream.

Harlan Ellison

Who cares how it works, just as long as it gives the right answer.

Jeff Scholnik

A.I. - the art of making computers behave like the ones in the movies.

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

Bill Gates, in 1981

This page was designed with Microsoft Notepad.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

A very small percentage of individuals may experience epileptic seizures when exposed to certain light patterns of flashing lights. Exposure to certain light patterns on backgrounds on a television screen or while playing computer games may induce an epileptic seizure in these individuals. Certain conditions may induce undeteceted epileptic symptoms in persons who have no history of prior seizures or epilepsy. If you, or anyone in your family, has an epileptic condition, consult your doctor prior to playing. If you experience any of the following symptoms while playing a computer game: dizziness, altered vision, eye or muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary movement, or convulsions, immediately discontinue use and consult your doctor before resuming play.

epilepsy warning

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Leonard Brandwein

Diskspace - the final frontier!

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

To some of us, reading the manual is conceding defeat.

Jason Q.

Doom should be an olympic sport.

Dave Goldberger

The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.

Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

Dave Barry, Get With The Program
Reader's Digest, July 1997

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.

Dave Barry, Get With The Program
Reader's Digest, July 1997

Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.

Dave Barry, Get With The Program
Reader's Digest, July 1997

RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.

Dave Barry, Get With The Program
Reader's Digest, July 1997

Internet: is the single most important development in the history of human communications since the invention of call-waiting. A bold statement? Indeed, but consider how the internet can enhance our lives.

Imagine that you need to: 1. make an airline reservation; 2. buy concert tickets; 3. reserach a tax question; and 4. help your child with a school report. Now you simply turn on your computer, dial up your Internet access number, and in less that an instant you're listening to a busy signal!

Dave Barry, Get With The Program
Reader's Digest, July 1997

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

What does this mean 'mailer daemon'? Satan, are you messing with the e-mail system already?

Herb Stern

Where do I want to go today? Poland, Czechoslovakia, France. Can Microsoft Office do that for me?

Adolf Hitler

Get thee behind me, Bill Gates.


One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Fast. Powerful. User-friendly. Now choose any two.

Eric Daniels

What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a theme park full of ancient mechanical monsters that scare its customers; the other is a movie.

Enterprise Systems Journal

Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

The 'Internet' cannot be removed from your desktop, would you like to delete the 'Internet' now?

MS Windows 95

It's not the size of the hard drive that counts, it's how you download it.

Chris Cooper

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?