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Computers - Quotes

All computers wait at the same speed.

Politically-Correct Virus: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

Plug-and-Play: a new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

Cobweb Site: A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Clues that you just might be a 'Net Junkie: When you start tilting your head sideways to smile, when you code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL, when you'd rather go to http://www.weather.com/ than look out your window.

A computer is only as smart as the numbskull sitting in front of it.

Micah Branstetter

Redundant book title: "Windows For Dummies"

Presumably, we're all fully qualified computer nerds here, so we are allowed to use "access" as a verb. Be advised, however, that the practice in common usage drives English-language purists to scowling fidgets.

Erik Strom
Perl CGI Programming

I don't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years! I used to think PC's were the greatest thing since sliced bread... Then someone showed me sliced bread.

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.

Jean Rostand

Video games, interestingly, are far better integrated and have much better performance than office software. I think this is because people who program video games love them, and care about the ideas, look and feel of the resulting product. I doubt that anyone who programs word processors really loves writing. And that is the main difference.

There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

Scott Adams
The Dilbert Future

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

Sam Ewing

Hitting your modem with an aluminum baseball bat is only going to get you electrocuted. Try a wooden one.

Lynn Marshall

Information Superhighway is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos'.

Keven Kwaku

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts

USER, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

Dave Barry

Sometimes just a few hours of trial and error debugging can save minutes of reading manuals.

He who laughs last probably made a back up.

IBM means I Blame Microsoft.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Technology is the knack of so arranging the world that we do not experience it.

Max Frisch

Hardware is the part of a computer that can be kicked, if all you can do is swear at it, then it must be software.

The application finished with the following error: The operation was completed succesfully.

Microsoft Exchange

Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Meddle not in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too.

Linus Torvalds

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

Martin Golding

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

Mitch Ratliffe

The most galling thing about Windows is that it works best when it's not actually doing anything.

Smith & Wesson... the original Point-N-Click interface.

Neil Mohammed

Computers don't make mistakes... What they do they do on purpose!

King of the Hill

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jeremy S. Anderson

If brute force doesn't solve your problem, you're just not using enough.

Speed Kills, Use Windows.

The most sophisticated piece of any technology is the chip that makes it break down the instant the warranty runs out.

A bad idea does not get better online.


The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and, usually, the programmer.

Working with Unix is like wrestling a worthy opponent. Working with windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38.