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Simply Delightful - Quotes





Christians say that - without exception - their God answers all of their prayers; it's just that He sometimes says "yes" and other times "no," "maybe," or "wait." Of course the same could be said of the rain-god, "Bob."

Rev. Donald Morgan






"Would you tax God?" asks a defender of church tax exemption. Well, if there were a God he should be able to pay his own way and support his own business. If not, then he should do like other business men and close up shop.

E. Haldeman-Julius
The Church Is a Burden, Not a Benefit, In Social Life






The Earth is an object lesson for the apprentice gods. "If you really screw up," they get told, "you'll make something like Earth."

Carl Sagan
Contact






And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?






There was not a breach of security as such. It was a case of someone cutting a hole from the outside and facilitating the escape of three of our inmates.

governor of prison in Derek, England
Huddersfield Daily Examiner






Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Fran Lebowitz






The West wasn't won on salad.

North Dakota Beef Council






The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot






Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

Aristophanes






Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Alfred Hitchcock






Some come here to sit and think; but I come here to shit and stink.

bathroom in Brandon, Ca.






If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Bobby Slayton






Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Robert Charles Benchley






Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields






Lotteries, a tax upon imbeciles.

Count Camillo Benso di Cavour






If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference?

Blackie Sherrod, Dallas sportswriter






As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.

Sam Ewing






Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals.

Pierre-Augustin de Beaumarchais






God is Love - I dare say. But what a mischievous devil Love is!

Samuel Butler






Don't put all your eggs in one bastard.

Dorothy Parker






Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.

Sam Ewing






President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.

Sam Ewing






Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.

Sam Ewing






Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.

Sam Ewing






Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license?

Sam Ewing






When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

Sam Ewing






Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long.

Sam Ewing






If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.

Sam Ewing






Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms.

Sam Ewing






I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.

Sam Ewing






If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.

Sam Ewing






A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.

Sam Ewing






Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall?

Sam Ewing






The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford.

Sam Ewing






Housework is something you do that nobody notices unless you haven't done it.

Sam Ewing






Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.

Sam Ewing






Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.

Sam Ewing






A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

Sam Ewing






Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair

Sam Ewing






The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor.

Sam Ewing






One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Heinrich Heine






I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marie Corelli






Why do homeless people always live on the dirty streets of a huge city like New York? If I were homeless, I would spend my life getting to Hawaii or someplace warm and beautiful, and be homeless there.

Amy Maran






Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.

Mel Brooks






The difference between love and sex is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Woody Allen






People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

David H. Comins






If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.

Mark S. Fowler






All things being equal, you lose.






Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.






Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.








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