Utter Stupidity

Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants
Carpe ovum - Seize the egg
Cave Canem - Beware of the dog

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Looking at Capitol Hill is like looking at that Escher picture of the wild geese flying together: makes no fucking sense and occasionally shits on your head.

Dennis Miller

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Michael Aulfrey

When I die I want to go like Grandpa, in my sleep. Not like Grandma in the passenger seat.

(contributed by Gary Rumbaugh)

(I don't know which is the correct version)

Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.

Black Dragon

Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same.

Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics.

Bill Vaughan

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

Shirley MacLaine

If you want to know where God is ask a drunk.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.

Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Circus, n: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to so men, women and children acting the fool.

Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

Immortality, n:
A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.

Liberty, n: One of imaginations most precious possessions.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Some people believe that by wearing sunglasses, other people can't see them.

Jason Q.

Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does.

E. Fang Rosenstein - fang@nick.csh.rit.edu
(But don't bother mailing to him. He killed himself a few years ago. Click his name to get a glimmer of why.)

Definition of "Just Friends":

It means I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it.

The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes.

Gary Larson

This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.

Pleasure to meet you, President Dole.

Top 10 lines you'll never hear Mel Gibson say in a movie
Late Night With David Letterman

Where did all this fucking ice come from?

Captain of the Titanic

A leapord never changes his stripes.

Al Gore

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

Sir Thomas Beecham

To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.

Robert Schumann

Only when you have crossed the river can you say that the crocodile has a lump on his snout.


There are four types of men in the world; lovers, opportunists, lookers-on, and imbeciles. The happiest are the imbeciles.

When I go to peoples' houses I like to sneak into their bedrooms and try on their underwear.

The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.

Well actually it's a lot like smoking a cigar, but you don't bite the tip off.

The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.

Tom Clancy
Larry King Live, CNN

The early worm gets eaten by the bird.

Jason Q.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them.

Phil Pastoretm Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.

Monta Crane

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.

General George Patton

It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M. Barrie

Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo.

If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

The easy way is always mined.

If the enemy is in range, so are you!

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Body count math is 3 guerillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemy killed in action.

Friendly fire isn't.

Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out!

(This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet BMP and the Army's Bradley fighting vehicle. Both of which nicely package the troops for group destruction).

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
Larry King Live

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Jason Kidd
upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Calvin Coolidge

It's like deja vu all over again.

Yogi Berra

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

Charles De Gaulle

The loss of life will be irreplaceable.

Dan Quayle
on the San Francisco earthquake

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

Richard M. Nixon

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

Dan Quayle
on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Dan Quayle

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.

Ernest Bevin

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Dan Quayle

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

John Wayne

The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.

Mr. New Jersey contestant
when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?"
Death thought about it "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE."

Nigel gave the lamp a cautious buff and small smoking red letters appeared in the air. "Hi," Nigel read aloud, "Do not put down the lamp because your custom is important to us. Please leave a wish after the tone and, very shortly, it will be our command. In the meantime, have a nice eternity."

Terry Pratchett

Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood.

Louise Beal

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Breakfast of Champions

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.

Oliver Herford

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Jeff Valdez

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

Alfred North Whitehead

Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

Oscar Wilde

The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Decca Recording Co.
rejecting the Beatles, 1962

A reporter once said to John Lennon that Decca would be kicking themselves for rejecting the beatles, Lennon instantly replied, "I hope they kick themselves to death."

The Lives of John Lennon

(contributed by Dino Delucchi)

Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded!

Yogi Berra

A friend is someone who will help you move;
A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.

Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog that matters.

Archie Griffen

(contributed by A. J. Yelton)

You know nothing for sure... except the fact that you know nothing for sure.

John F. Kennedy

No matter where you go, there you are.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

No one said English is an easy language, especially to peoples whose another tongue is other than -
as this collection of notices from all over the world proves.

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbeaable.

in a Bucharest hotel lobby

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

in a Leipzig elevator

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

in a Belgrade hotel elevator

Please leave your values at the front desk.

in a Paris hotel elevator

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

on the menu of a Swiss reataurant

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.

in a hotel in Athens

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

in a Yugoslavian hotel

Not to perambulate the corridor in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

in an Austrian hotel catering for skiers

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger: roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

on the menu of a Polish hotel

For your convenience, we recommend courteous efficient self-service.

in an Hong Kong supermarket

Drop your trousers here for best results.

in a Bangkok dry cleaner's

Dresses for street walking.

outside a Paris dress shop

Ladies have fits upstairs.

outside a Hong Kong dress shop

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

in a Rhodes Tailor shop

Could you like to ride on your own ass?

advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

on the faucet in a Finnish washroom

For coats made for ladies from their own skin.

in the window of a Sweddish furrier

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong

Specialist in women and other diseases.

in the office of a Roman doctor

It is forbidden to enter a womman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

in a Bangkok temple

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

in a Tokyo bar

Ladies are suggested not to have children in the bar.

in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Stop: Drive Sideways.

detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

Special today - no ice cream

in a Swiss mountain inn

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

at a Budapest zoo

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

in an Acapulco hotel

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they're best in the long run.

in a Tokyo shop

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

in a Copenhagen airline ticket office

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

from a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional


I found some more!

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

in a Tokyo hotel

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the Russian Orthodox monastery

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

a sign posted in Germany's Black Forest

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

in a Zurich Hotel

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist

If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.

on the door of a Moscow hotel room

When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

in an Tokyo car rental firm

Ghana is, as you perhaps in Korea, and is regarded as the high-qualified Ghana our marvelous, smooth and mild whole already know, enjoying high reputation selling chocolates masterpieces of all milk chocolate.

on the wrapper of Korean Ghana brand chocolate bar

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

Better keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid then open it and remove any doubt.

Rami Belson

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding cloths.

Joseph Addison

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Alfred Adler

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.

Maya Angelou
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.

Richard Armour

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Honoré de Balzac

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Tallulah Bankhead

If you cry "forward," you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.

Anton Chekhov

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

Abba Eban

People can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black.

Henry Ford

We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.

Bary Beck
New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during NHL's Stanley Cup playoffs

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't.

Ulysses S. Grant

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

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