Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants
Carpe ovum - Seize the egg
Cave Canem - Beware of the dog
When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.
Looking at Capitol Hill is like looking at that Escher picture of the wild geese flying together: makes no fucking sense and occasionally shits on your head.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
When I die I want to go like Grandpa, in my sleep. Not like Grandma in the passenger seat.
(contributed by Gary Rumbaugh)
Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.
Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same.
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics.
It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
If you want to know where God is ask a drunk.
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.
Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Circus, n: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to so men, women and children acting the fool.
Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
Liberty, n: One of imaginations most precious possessions.
Some people believe that by wearing sunglasses, other people can't see them.
Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does.
E. Fang Rosenstein - email@example.com
Definition of "Just Friends":
It means I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it.
The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes.
This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.
Pleasure to meet you, President Dole.
Top 10 lines you'll never hear Mel Gibson say in a movie
Where did all this fucking ice come from?
Captain of the Titanic
A leapord never changes his stripes.
It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
Sir Thomas Beecham
To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.
Only when you have crossed the river can you say that the crocodile has a lump on his snout.
There are four types of men in the world; lovers, opportunists, lookers-on, and imbeciles. The happiest are the imbeciles.
When I go to peoples' houses I like to sneak into their bedrooms and try on their underwear.
The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.
Well actually it's a lot like smoking a cigar, but you don't bite the tip off.
The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them.
Phil Pastoretm Newspaper Enterprise Assn.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
General George Patton
It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
The easy way is always mined.
If the enemy is in range, so are you!
Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count math is 3 guerillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemy killed in action.
Friendly fire isn't.
Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out!
(This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet BMP and the Army's Bradley fighting vehicle. Both of which nicely package the troops for group destruction).
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
It's like deja vu all over again.
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
Charles De Gaulle
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.
Richard M. Nixon
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.
Mr. New Jersey contestant
"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?"
Nigel gave the lamp a cautious buff and small smoking red letters appeared in the air. "Hi," Nigel read aloud, "Do not put down the lamp because your custom is important to us. Please leave a wish after the tone and, very shortly, it will be our command. In the meantime, have a nice eternity."
Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood.
People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
Alfred North Whitehead
Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Decca Recording Co.
A reporter once said to John Lennon that Decca would be kicking themselves for rejecting the beatles, Lennon instantly replied, "I hope they kick themselves to death."
The Lives of John Lennon
Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded!
A friend is someone who will help you move;
Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog that matters.
You know nothing for sure... except the fact that you know nothing for sure.
John F. Kennedy
No matter where you go, there you are.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
No one said English is an easy language, especially to peoples whose another tongue is other than -
in a Bucharest hotel lobby
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
in a Leipzig elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
in a Belgrade hotel elevator
Please leave your values at the front desk.
in a Paris hotel elevator
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
on the menu of a Swiss reataurant
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
in a hotel in Athens
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
in a Yugoslavian hotel
Not to perambulate the corridor in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
in an Austrian hotel catering for skiers
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger: roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
on the menu of a Polish hotel
For your convenience, we recommend courteous efficient self-service.
in an Hong Kong supermarket
Drop your trousers here for best results.
in a Bangkok dry cleaner's
Dresses for street walking.
outside a Paris dress shop
Ladies have fits upstairs.
outside a Hong Kong dress shop
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
in a Rhodes Tailor shop
Could you like to ride on your own ass?
advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
on the faucet in a Finnish washroom
For coats made for ladies from their own skin.
in the window of a Sweddish furrier
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong
Specialist in women and other diseases.
in the office of a Roman doctor
It is forbidden to enter a womman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
in a Bangkok temple
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
in a Tokyo bar
Ladies are suggested not to have children in the bar.
in a Norwegian cocktail lounge
Stop: Drive Sideways.
detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
Special today - no ice cream
in a Swiss mountain inn
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
at a Budapest zoo
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
in an Acapulco hotel
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they're best in the long run.
in a Tokyo shop
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
in a Copenhagen airline ticket office
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
from a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional
in a Tokyo hotel
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the Russian Orthodox monastery
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
a sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
in a Zurich Hotel
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.
on the door of a Moscow hotel room
When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
in an Tokyo car rental firm
Ghana is, as you perhaps in Korea, and is regarded as the high-qualified Ghana our marvelous, smooth and mild whole already know, enjoying high reputation selling chocolates masterpieces of all milk chocolate.
on the wrapper of Korean Ghana brand chocolate bar
WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
Better keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid then open it and remove any doubt.
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding cloths.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.
Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Honoré de Balzac
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
If you cry "forward," you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
People can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black.
We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't.
Ulysses S. Grant
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.