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Insults - Quotes

When the world smiles at you, flip them off!

Carrie Shasteen

Life's a bitch. Then you marry one.

Guys are like parking spaces, they're all either taken or handicapped. And the second you finally find one, you see an even better one across the lot.

You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways.

Bill Merrill

I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Benjamin James

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Guy Davenport

I would have stepped on you if you weren't a piece of shit.


I'd slap you, but shit splatters.

If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.

P. G. Wodehouse

I would have had more fun at a funeral.

It's always easier to quote something that someone else said, than have the courage to say something original.

Virginia Frans

I would have been your father but the guy infront of me had exact change.

I would have been your father but the monkey beat me up the stairs.

She's so ugly, the tide wouldn't take her out.

Martin K

I would slap you but I'm not sure your brain could process the pain.

Liz B

He spares no resource in telling of his dead inventions... Bare verbs he rarely tolerates. He splits infinitives and fills them up with adverbial stuffing. He presses the passing colloquialism into his service. His vast paragraphis sweat and struggle; the

H. G. Wells, on Henry James

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Henny Youngman

The guy who takes you out would be the ideal candidate for The Prevention of Cruelty Towards Animals Society.

HIS aLoKness

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust.

Gustave Flaubert

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

Cleveland Amory

The nature of men and women - their essential nature - is so vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as he really is, no one would believe you.

W. Somerset Maugham

The problem with America today is that too many people know too much about not enough.

Women want mediocre men. And men are working hard to become as medicore as possible.

Margaret Mead

You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Groucho Marx

If it weren't for you, I'd enjoy our sex life.

Are you stupid or did you just take lessons?

Geena Davis
The Long Kiss Goodnight

When you're as important as I am, getting your feelings hurt by me is almost an honor.

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

I don't mind sharing the blame if she'll just admit she started it.

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

How can I be expected to love someone who tries such crude manipulations as bringing me breakfast in bed?

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

I'm not going to stop torturing myself till I figure out the cause of my pain.

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

Dahling, when God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole.

Neil Gaiman
The Sandman

Why are all blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

Rodney Dangerfield
Home Improvement.

Wit is educated insolence.


You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

Rita Mae Brown

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Disrespect cannot be commanded, it must be earned.

Mat Taberner

He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex.

Tom Volpe on Harold Robbins

The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.

Samuel Goldwyn on Louis B. Mayer's funeral

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx
The Book of Insults

What tragedy it is to be just smart enough to know that you are doomed to painful idiocy.

Don't say yes until I finish talking.

Darryl F. Zanuck

He has the vocal modulation of a railway-station announcer, the expressive power of a fence-post and the charisma of a week-old head of lettuce.

Fintan O'Toole, film critic, on Quentin Tarantino

I worship the quicksand he walks on.

Art Buchwald

They turned the country up on its side, and everything loose fell into California.

Frank Lloyd Wright