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Insults - Quotes

The cover of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Bierce

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

Thomas Fuller

If wit was chocolate you wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.

A man is like floor tile. Lay it just right and you can walk on it for life.


God ruined a perfectly good woman, by putting a dick on him.

Ricky Swinn

All charming people have something to hide, usually it is their total dependance on the appreciation of others.

Cyril Connolly

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

George Bernard Shaw

What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?

If this is tea, please bring me some coffee... but if this is coffee, please bring me some tea.

Abraham Lincoln

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!

Arabian insult

Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.

Sam Ewing

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

Sam Ewing

"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now? "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.

Sam Ewing

When a husband says, "I run things in my home" he may mean the washing machine, the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner.

Sam Ewing

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it!

Groucho Marx

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx

Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

Black Adder II

The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket.

He's a real gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

Shirley Maclaine
Steel Magnolias

How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?

If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot.

Donna Gephart

By giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it [modern journalism] keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.

Oscar Wilde

You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

I'm sure you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

I could punch you in the face, but why should I improve your looks.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.

When God said "brains" you thought he said "trains" and took the first one out.

Stupidity should hurt.

Esthyr Adney

Your father should have pulled out.

Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

John Wayne

You see, it's essential that one of us stays awake during the flight [ballon]. So, rather than using the comfortable Virgin seats which we used to cross the Atlantic, we've asked British Airways for two of theirs.

Richard Branson

If I wanted any shit from you, I'd scrape it off your dick!

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

George Bernard Shaw

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you're unarmed.

Your reality, Sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

Baron Munchausen

Here is some money, call someone who cares.

Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

H. L. Mencken

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

Marcus Aurelius

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

H. L. Mencken

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Mark Twain

A humanitarian is always a hypocrite.

George Orwell

Faith is not a function of stupidity but a frequent cause of it.

Wendy Kaminer

I sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers.

Albert Camus

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Does your face hurt? It's killing me.