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That is the saddest story I've ever heard. It has really touched my heart. And you have my deepest sympathies.
Now fuck off and stop bothering me. on a T-shirt My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant Life is but a game, and money is just a means of keeping score. (contributed by Chia Ed Min) A witty saying proves nothing. Voltaire There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis |
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There are two sorts of losers - the good loser, and the one who can't act. Lawrence J. Peter If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end... I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Dorothy Parker If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have included children as a punishment. Ed Bluestone Kindness is loving people more than they deserve. Joseph Joubert That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. Dorothy Parker It's very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more gut and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. Jessamyn West When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. Mae West Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink. I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken. Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully. Russian proverb While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. Anton Chekhov Math is like love - a simple idea but it can get complicated. R. Drabek If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, kill it! Doug Horton Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another. Henry Louis Mencken Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. Michel de Montaigne Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets. Ogden Nash When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. George Bernard Shaw Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence. The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Alexandre Dumas If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to bitch in less than 2.1 seconds. Krystal Ann Kraus There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. Gloria Steinem I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon. Sex is what women have and men want. The more I know men, the more I love my dog. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. General George Patton The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Chamfort Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Mickey Mouse A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. Biology is the only science in which multiplication mean the same thing as division. Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery. Growing old is not growing up. Doug Horton Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters. Ross Presser Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children. It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. bumper sticker It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. Rami Belson Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." Ambrose Bierce It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Scott Elledge
Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision? Marilyn Monroe Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. Muslim proverb This contract is so one-sided that I am astonished to find it written on both sides of the paper.
Lord Evershed
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. Oliver Wendell Holmes Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orben In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. Adlai Stevenson Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth - communism is the equal distribution of poverty. Demagogue: One who preaches a doctrine he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. Henry Louis Mencken Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none. Doug Larson It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats. Russian proverb When she sings, I get people in my throat. Kermit, the frog Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Eschew Obfuscation. Atheism is a non prophet organisation. bumber stickers He doesn't play hard to get. He plays hard to want. Mike Marotta Jingle Bells / Snow is hell / in a pennant race. ESPN's Keith Olbermann I am a Marxist - of the Groucho variety. Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break. Mark Russell Yeah, I can see why beautiful cars are compared to beautiful women... they usually belong to someone else.
Mike Patterson
I don't think the road to heaven is paved with bean curd. David Shaw I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!! Dennis Miller And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Sarah Noelle Pratt Ferguson What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O'Rouke A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Francois Sagan God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.
Jay Leno
There's so much myth and baloney. Like a 80-year-old man able to manhandle a 300-pounder with his little finger. Ridiculous. Or this matter of breaking bricks and boards wth the edge of your hand. Now I ask you, did you ever see a brick or a board pick a fight with anybody? Bruce Lee Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jets. How can I soar when I'm surrounded by turkeys? Is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven? Waves are turned off at midnight.
sign on a sea-side hotel
You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michelangelo
When helping my father do carpentry: "Come hold this nail. When you are ready, nod you head and I'll hit it." (contributed by John Marron) People who think they know everything are particularly bothersome to those of us who do. (contributed by Bob Bekkers) Wise men create proverbs, fools repeat them. (contributed by Clay Domington) Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. Zenna Schaffer I love my kids, but I wouldn't want them for friends. Janet Sorensen I rely on my personality for birth control. Liz Winston |
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