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Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. Robert Frost Were there no women, men might live like gods. Thomas Dekker If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. Thomas Carlyle Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent. Jean Kerr There are always three sides to every story; Your side, the other side and the truth.
How I wonder where you are; Up above I see you shine But according to Dr. Einstein You are not where you pretend! You are just around the bend, And your sweet seductive ray Has been leading men astray All these years, O little star! Don't you know how bad you are?
Tell me why the sky is blue, Tell me what makes the ivy twine, And I will tell thee why I love you. Fusion reactions make the stars shine,
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. Oscar Wilde Brad Pitt's hair, Tom Cruise's smile, George Clooney's body and Bill Gates wallet.
Miss Piggy
Efficiency is intelligent laziness. David Dunham A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight. People are funny; they spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. Lucille S. Harper Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground and try to find oil? You're crazy. drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859 If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut. Albert Einstein I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
Charles Schultz
The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days. First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. W. C. Fields Instead of crying over spilt milk, go milk another cow. Erna Asp And the little girl had approached the bed no nearer than thirty feet when she pulled out a pistol and shot the wolf dead; for even in a cap and nightgown a wolf looks no more like your grandmother than Calvin Coolidge looks like the Metro-Goldwyn lion. Moral: Little girls are not so easy to fool nowadays as they used to be.
James Thurber
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. Mary Ellen Kelly Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.
Douglas Adams
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
C. S. Lewis
Another day over. Objectives fulfilled. Deadlines met. Pigs fed and ready for take off. anonymous signature You can't get ice-cream out of shit... no matter how much you stir. We don't always get what we want, we don't always get what we like, just as long as we don't get what we deserve. I can make ANY cat go "woof". All you need is some gasoline and a match! Russell W. Laughlin In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. The coldest winter I ever spent was one summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain Wanted: A dog that neither barks nor bites, eats broken glass and shits diamonds. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day, tomorrow doesn't look good either.
Hilary W.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? Art Hoppe The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. from an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
Charles Barkley
What a woman says:
What a man hears:
What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? Irv Kupcinet
The Olympic torch was born on the night
Johnny Hart
When angry count four, when very angry, swear! Mark Twain You pretend to work and we'll pretend to pay you. Things You'll Never See On The Office Inspirational Posters Beggars should be abolished entirely! Verily it is annoying to give to them, and it is annoying not to give to them. Friedrich Nietzsche
I cannot praise the Preacher's eyes,
Some go to church to see and be seen,
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
anonymous Boston version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
Satan didn't fall. He was pushed. You can learn many things from children. how much patience you have, for instance. Franklin P. Jones Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother. Claudette Colbert Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. Fran Lebowitz Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child though I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. Rebecca Richards Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now, I have six children and no theories. John Wilmont, Earl of Rochester God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. Ethel Wats Mumford Of all wild animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV. Erma Bombeck My kids can con me into doing things for them by saying, "But it's so much better when you do it, Mom." Muriel J. Trost You have a wonderful child. Then, when he's thirteen, gremlins carry him away and leave in his place a stranger who gives you not a moment's peace. Jill Eichenberry Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster too. Lionel Kauffman It's dangerous to confuse children with angels. David Fyfe It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place. Colette Grown-ups never understand anything on their own, and it's tiresome for children for ever and ever to be giving them explanations.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he goes on business trips as his wife thinks he does.
Ann Landers
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. Finley Peter Dunne Mother, I Want to Go to the Mountainside and Harden Myself with Physical Labor. Chinese Communist hit song I'd like to thank my mother, my father, the Academy. I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else.
Jim Carrey What can I say? I got fucked. People are always fucking with me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Mike Tyson
If there were an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a book about it by now. If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he ever send me flowers?
The biblical account of Noah's Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?
Judith Hayes If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.
Judith Hayes Christians say that - without exception - their God answers all of their prayers; it's just that He sometimes says "yes" and other times "no," "maybe," or "wait." Of course the same could be said of the rain-god, "Bob." Rev. Donald Morgan "Would you tax God?" asks a defender of church tax exemption. Well, if there were a God he should be able to pay his own way and support his own business. If not, then he should do like other business men and close up shop.
E. Haldeman-Julius The Earth is an object lesson for the apprentice gods. "If you really screw up," they get told, "you'll make something like Earth."
Carl Sagan And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What? Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. Fran Lebowitz The West wasn't won on salad. North Dakota Beef Council The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Walter Bagehot Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever. Aristophanes Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. Alfred Hitchcock Some come here to sit and think; but I come here to shit and stink.
bathroom in Brandon, Ca.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. Bobby Slayton |
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Robert Charles Benchley
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields Lotteries, a tax upon imbeciles. Count Camillo Benso di Cavour If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference? Blackie Sherrod, Dallas sportswriter As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it. Sam Ewing Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals. Pierre-Augustin de Beaumarchais God is Love - I dare say. But what a mischievous devil Love is! Samuel Butler Don't put all your eggs in one bastard. Dorothy Parker Some day I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. Clarence Darrow Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them. Sam Ewing President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it. Sam Ewing Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory. Sam Ewing Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in. Sam Ewing Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license? Sam Ewing When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day. Sam Ewing Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long. Sam Ewing If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light. Sam Ewing Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms. Sam Ewing |
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