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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Zsa Zsa Gabor Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? Roseanne Barr Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release. Germaine Greer I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. Bette Midler My favorite animal is steak. Fran Lebowitz The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed.'' Dorothy Parker You should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know that you're always making a choice. Lina Wertmuller We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about. Annie Sullivan Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair. Judith Stern Lots of people think they're charitable if they give away their old clothes and things they don't want. Myrtle Reed Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone. (contributed by M90) I did not sleep with your wife. So don't ask me to raise your kids. Women like cats, men say they like cats, but when women aren't around, men kick cats.
Willie Heath
Just because it hangs down doesn't mean it is a toy...
man to his dog
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. Muhammed Ali The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. Salvador Dali Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Alva Edison Give us the shattering jangle of the old-fashioned alarm clock any day and forget those versions that awaken you with soft music and gentle whispers. If there's anything we can't abide in the morning, it's hypocrisy. Bits and Pieces There has been a great proliferation of lawyers in the pat 20 years, just as there has been a proliferation of computers. But unlike computers, lawyers do not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years.
E. Burns
I don't mind anything that's written about me, as long as it's not true. Dorothy Parker The only person who said winning isn't everything never won anything.
Vincent Lombardi
March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.
Garrison Keillor
Love art. Of all the lies it is the least untrue (contributed by TarrBerr) If people are injured from the use of liquor, the injury arises not from the use of a bad thing, but from the abuse of a good thing. The only time I ever said no to a drink was when I misunderstood the question. Will Sinclair Arizaphale had tried to explain it to him once. The whole point was that when a human was good or bad it was because they wanted to be. Whereas people like Crowley and, of course, himself, were set in their ways right from the start. People couldn't become truly holy unless they also had the opportunity to be definitely wicked. Crowley had thought about this for some time and had said, Hang on, that only works if you start everyone off equal, OK? You can't start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle. Ah, Arizaphale had said, that's the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, That's lunatic. No, said Arizaphale, it's effable.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
Don't be so scared of dying that you stop living.
Do not adjust your set. That is the scoreline. Wimbleton: 2, Tottenham: 5. match commentator I don't claim to have an answer to every question, but I promise you I have a question for every answer. David Lander, sleight-of-hand artist I'm ready to forgive him for the desire to be a king, but not for wanting to have 23 million court jesters. I don't know whether Europe will accept us, but Africa has already put us on their waiting list. The nation wept tears of remorse for their leader: the tear-gas accomplished what was expected.
Milovan Ilic
If at first you don't succeed, erase all evidence you tried. (contributed by Ben Fry) Life is a game. Avoiding death is cheating. Women should be obscene, not heard.
Groucho Marx
Thunderstick?... You actually said, 'Thunderstick?'... That, my friend is a Winchester 30.06." Gary Larson In science as in love, too much concentration on technique can often lead to impotence. P. L. Berger I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams Wouldn't it be odd if you died and went to heaven and the first thing you said was, "Well, I'll be damned." (contributed by Sunny)
69 on the jersey of an Iranian soccer fan at the World Cup, France 98 Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you. A newlywed's first child can come at anytime, all the rest take nine months. There are good days and there are bad days and then there are the days that make homicide look like a viable option. C. M. O'Brien The English have named a breakfast dish after Joan of Arc... French Toast. The bonds of matimony are so heavy that it takes two to bear them, sometimes three.
Alexandre Dumas
Things that come to those who wait may be the things left behind by those who got there first.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Life is short. Don't be a dick. bumber sticker Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. Henry Ward Beecher Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' Isaac Asimov Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves. Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. Homer Simpson Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katherine Hepburn All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner
And do the things I do And if you do not like me so To hell, my love, with you. Dorothy Parker Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. Jean-Paul Sartre A man in love is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another women makes a fool of him in 20 minutes (contributed by Vanessa) Today is yesterday's tomorrow. (contributed by carlo) If you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing! Mandy
Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
A neurotic is the man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. (contributed by Lisa Martin) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Do unto others, then run... How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. Abraham Lincoln It is best to read the weather forcast before praying for rain. Mark Twain We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. Robert Wilensky If I let my fingers wander idly over the keys of a typewriter it might happen that my screed made an intelligible sentence. If an army of monkeys were strumming on typewriters they might write all the books in the British Museum. The chance of their doing so is decidedly more favourable than the chance of the molecules returning to one half of the vessel.
Arthur S. Eddington Whenever I get a little money, I buy books, and if there's any left, I buy food. Erasmus The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. E. W. Dijkstria I watch a man shoot pool for an hour. If he misses more than one shot I know I can beat him.
Luther Lassiter
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. Christopher Isherwood Each time you suppress a sneeze, you kill 10,000 braincells. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. Voltaire If you want to get laid go to college, if you want to learn something go to the library. Frank Zappa To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. Quentin Crisp Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
so broken hearted come to shit but only farted. grafitti on bathroom wall Adolescence is a dirty joke God played on humanity. Infancy: n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. Ambrose Bierce What do you take me for, an idiot?
Charles de Gaulle
Skiing: the art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk. Whenever A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel. Henry Louis Mencken The Earth has a skin and that skin has diseases, one of those diseases is man. Freidrich Nietzsche If the devil were to offer me a resurgence of what is commonly called virility, I'd decline. 'Just keep my liver and lungs in good working order,' I'd reply, 'so I can go on drinking and smoking.' Luis Buguel The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. Jim Samuels Dawn. When men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. I don't see a reason for there to be a reason for us to do something.
Alex
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine Aird Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. Bill Cosby I think, therefore I'm single. Liz Winston |
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If love is blind, I'll buy myself a cane. (contributed by Ryleigh) Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone. Tom Robbins The hair was a Vaseline cathedral, the mouth a touchingly uncertain sneer of allure. One, two-wham! Like a berserk blender the lusty young pelvis whirred and the notorious git-tar slammed forward with a jolt that symbolically deflowered a generation of teenagers and knocked chips off 90 million older shoulders. Then out of the half-melted vanilla face a wild black baritone came bawling in orgasmic lurches. Whu-huh-huh-huh f'the money! Two f'the show! Three t'git riddy naa GO CAAT GO!
Brad Darrach
I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket. Anita Loos If it's natural to kill why do men have to go into training to learn how? Joan Baez On the subject of wild mushrooms, it is easy to tell who is an expert and who is not: The expert is the one who is still alive. Donal Henehan Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Rush Limbaugh My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner NOTE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE AND AMERICANS: One shilling = Five Pee. It helps to understand the antique finances of the Witchfinder Army if you know the original British monetary system: Two Farthings = One Ha'penny. Two Ha'penny = One Penny. Three Pennies = A Thrupenny Bit. Two Thrupences = A Sixpence. Two Sixpence = One Shilling, or Bob. Two Bob = A Florin. One Florin and One Sixpence = Half a Crown. Four Half Crowns = Ten Bob Note. Two Ten Bob Note = One Pound (or 240 pennies). One Pound and One Shilling = One Guinea. The British resisted decimalized currency for a long time because they thought it was too complicated.
Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
What's the use of worrying. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. (contributed by Craig) Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question. (contributed by Heather Dearing) |
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