Simply Delightful

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer Simpson

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavett
mocking the TV-violence debate

The dog's life is a good life, for a dog.

Those art lovers who pride themselves mostly on taste usually possess no other talent.

To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.

When I hear the word 'culture', I reach for my checkbook.

I wouldn't trade a good horse for the best Rolls-Royce ever made - unless I could trade the Rolls for two good horses.

Humankind will not be free until the last Kremlin commissar is strangled with the entrails of the last Pentagon chief of staff.

In all of nature, there is no sound more pleasing than that of a hungry animal at its feed. Unless you are the food.

Literary critics, like a herd of cows or a school of fish, always face in the same direction, obeying that love for unity that every critic requires.

The best people, like the best wines, come from the hills.

For women, the sexual act is a means to a higher end. For a man, it is an end in itself.

'Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, 'If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'

Lewis Carroll

It is time for us men to acknowledge not only that women are vastly superior beings (that's easy) but also that they are - in every way that matters - our equals. That's hard.

A palindrome: Retteb sif lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better.

Health is merely the slowest way someone can die.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. History simply documents the success of that approach.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. (big bang theory).

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.


There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?

'It's easier said than done.'

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that 'it's easier said that 'it's easier done than said' than it is done', which really proves that 'it's easier said than done'.

Kids used to ask you where they came from - now they tell you where to go.

Never let your studies interfere with your education.

If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.

People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which, as individuals, they know are stupid.

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes men and rivers crooked.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.

If a string has one end, it has another.

These pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years.

The dentist never talks to his patients until the drill is in their mouths.

Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.

You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It takes one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men you put on the job.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.

If you didn't have problems, you wouldn't need people around to help solve them. Conversely, if you didn't have people around, maybe you wouldn't have problems.

When a fail-safe system fails, it fails by failing to be fail-safe.

He who hoots with the owl at night will not soar with the eagle at dawn.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply - they're going to stop making it.

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Two's a company, three's an orgy.

A road map tells you everything except how to refold it.

Evil is "live" spelled backwards.

Alle Kunst ist emsunst wenn ein Engel auf das zundloch brunzt.

All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the touchhole of your musket.

Sex: even when it's bad, it's good.

The trouble with people is their trouble with people.

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Before you met any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

General solutions to specific problems become specific problems requiring general solutions.

If you don't care where you are, you're not lost.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Grab them by the balls; the hearts and minds will follow.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train.

Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Isaac Asimov

Birth control is avoiding the issue.

Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

You cannot tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

Everybody in the room was there.

The lake comes right to the shore.

You cannot sink someone else's end of the boat and still keep your own afloat.

Many of us believe that wrongs aren't wrong if it's done by nice people like ourselves.

A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

We are the people our parents warned us against.

Nothing is quite so annoying to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.

The devil finds work for idle glands.

The best way to forget your problem is to help someone else with theirs.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

People ask stupid questions for a reason.

Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement.

He who attacks must vanquish; he who defends must merely survive.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Brian W. Kernighan

If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.

If you have to tell people you're famous - you aren't.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and that's sufficient.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

A marksman is one who shoots first, and whatever he hits, he calls the target.

If it is worth fighting for, it is worth fighting dirty for.

You can't thrust your hands deeply into your pockets if the holes in them are too large.

When you have a bottle of champagne, you will have something to celebrate.

Moderation is for monks.

If something can go wrong, it will.

If something doesn't go wrong, in the end it will be shown that it would have been ultimately beneficial for it to have gone wrong.

The advantage of being a pessimist is that all your surprises are pleasant.

Suicide is confession and confession is suicide.

The way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

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