The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.

Valerie Solanas
SCUM Manifesto

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

Jonathan Swift
Thoughts on Various Subjects

If you can laugh at yourself, you've got a really sick sense of humour.

Jason Q.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease'. Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.'

Mother Nature is a bitch.

God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

The ignorant always seem so certain and the intelligent so uncertain.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

He who laughs last has no sense of humour.

I am not a figment of your collective diseased imagination.

Laura Valentine

You are as innocent as a new-fallen snow... on the highway.

Steve Ulrich
to Jen Gray the gutter.

Robert Gray
Jen's dad, responding

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.

Dorothy Parker
when asked why she had not delivered her copy on time.

I married beneath me. All women do.

Lady Nancy Astor
first woman member of the British Parliment

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

A rose by any other name still has thorns.

Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?

Richard Schultz
on soc.culture.jewish

A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Oscar Wilde

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen

I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?

Frank Zappa
ridiculing the "Tipper Sticker" (the PRMC "parental warning" stickers essentially forced on the music industry)

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Oscar Wilde

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

Golda Meir

Your eyebrows are as verdantly forrested as the seeded woodworms of my most sombre dreams.

With the whole world full of fools, there is none who thinks himself one, or even suspects it.

The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Jane Wagner

Women who seek equality with men, lack ambition.

Every great thinker is someone else's moron.

Umberto Eco

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed...

Mark Twain

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

Opinions are like assholes and everybody's got one.

Salt 'N Pepa
None of Your Business

(contributed by

... and they all stink.

Michael E. Pisani

(contributed by Nick Hollingshad)

Hating something is too much work to do. What you want to do is ignore something. It is more effective.

Sridhar Ramaswamy

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

William Clayton

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.

Norm Papernick

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

A committee is a creature with three or more legs and no brain.

Robert Heinlein
Time Enough For Love

I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.

Noel Coward
on Edith Sitwell

Don't ask me any questions, because I just might tell you the truth.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Flannery O'Connor

Never mistake motion for action.

Ernest Hemmingway

Stupidity is a personal achievement which transcends national boundaries.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Albert Einstein

I hope life isn't a big joke... because I don't get it.

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.

Jane Austen

During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!"
Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"

The boss is like a nappy: always on your arse and full of shit.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

Why did God create men? She knew a vibrator couldn't carry out the trash.

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

Wolfgang Pauli

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.

George Bernard Shaw
to Winston Churchill

Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one.

Churchill's reply

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

You are proof that God has a sense of humour.

Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

David & Leigh Eddings
Polgara, The Sorceress

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

H. H. Munro

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

H. Allen Smith
Let the Crabgrass Grow

Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

He doesn't talk bollocks all the time: only when he's awake.

He's in an altered state of consciousness: he's dead.

Is this seat free?

Yes. But if you sit down, this seat will also be free.

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near.

Samuel Hoffenstein

He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

Jason Q.

She wore too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

Oscar Wilde
Penguin Plays

(contibuted by Amber)

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen

(contributed by Amber)

A real man can tell another man to keep an open mind, just after he shot him between the eyes.

Virtual Assassin

(contributed by Matthew Kratzer)

You know you're gonna have a bad day when you see the sun come up. Over the curb.

(contributed by Bob Bekkers)

Life's a Bitch, then you wake up.


(contributed by Matt)

Shaw writes plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.

George Jean Nathan
on George Bernard Shaw

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

He's a male chauvinistic piglet.

Betty Friedan
on Groucho Marx

Ah, Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Victor Borge

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Joan Rivers
on Yoko Ono

For a man: your head is on fire and your penis is getting closer to the wood chopper... you have time to save only one. You're gonna have to decide whether you want to be a threat to society, or just another headless fuck.


(contributed by Meg)

When the world smiles at you, flip them off!

Carrie Shasteen

Life's a bitch. Then you marry one.

(contributed by Aiza Zeyati Zamani)

Guys are like parking spaces, they're all either taken or handicapped. And the second you finally find one, you see an even better one across the lot.

(contributed by Dena Wade)

You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways.

Bill Merrill

I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Benjamin James

You have too much time and too little money to spend it.

Jason Q.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Guy Davenport

I would have stepped on you if you weren't a piece of shit.


I'd slap you, but shit splatters.

(contributed by Janet Lee)

If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.

P. G. Wodehouse

I would have had more fun at a funeral.

(contributed by Haven)

It's always easier to quote something that someone else said, than have the courage to say something original.

Virginia Frans

I would have been your father but the guy infront of me had exact change.

I would have been your father but the monkey beat me up the stairs.

She's so ugly, the tide wouldn't take her out.

Martin K

I would slap you but I'm not sure your brain could process the pain.

Liz B

He spares no resource in telling of his dead inventions... Bare verbs he rarely tolerates. He splits infinitives and fills them up with adverbial stuffing. He presses the passing colloquialism into his service. His vast paragraphis sweat and struggle; they could not sweat and elbow and struggle more if God Himself was the processional meaning to which they sought to come.

H. G. Wells
on Henry James

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Henny Youngman

(contributed by Jonathan Stieglitz)

The guy who takes you out would be the ideal candidate for The Prevention of Cruelty Towards Animals Society.

HIS aLoKness

Not only do you have tunnel vision, there is no light at the end.

Jason Q.

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust.

Gustave Flaubert

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

Cleveland Amory

The nature of men and women - their essential nature - is so vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as he really is, no one would believe you.

W. Somerset Maugham

The problem with America today is that too many people know too much about not enough.

Women want mediocre men. And men are working hard to become as medicore as possible.

Margaret Mead

You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Groucho Marx

(contributed by Austin Conner)

If it weren't for you, I'd enjoy our sex life.

(contributed by Dayna)

Are you stupid or did you just take lessons?

Geena Davis
The Long Kiss Goodnight

(contributed by Molly)

In your life's highways, all your roads are dead-end streets.

Jason Q.

When you're as important as I am, getting your feelings hurt by me is almost an honor.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

I don't mind sharing the blame if she'll just admit she started it.

How can I be expected to love someone who tries such crude manipulations as bringing me breakfast in bed?

I'm not going to stop torturing myself till I figure out the cause of my pain.

Matt Groening
The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal?

I've learnt never to criticise another person's music tastes. Of course, techno and rap can't be classified as music, let alone taste (or the lack of).

Jason Q.

Dahling, when God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole.

Neil Gaiman
The Sandman

(contributed by Melissa I.)

Why are all blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

Rodney Dangerfield
Home Improvement.

Wit is educated insolence.


You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

Rita Mae Brown

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Disrespect cannot be commanded, it must be earned.

Mat Taberner

He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex.

Tom Volpe
on Harold Robbins

The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.

Samuel Goldwyn
on Louis B. Mayer's funeral

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx
The Book of Insults

What tragedy it is to be just smart enough to know that you are doomed to painful idiocy.

Don't say yes until I finish talking.

Darryl F. Zanuck

He has the vocal modulation of a railway-station announcer, the expressive power of a fence-post and the charisma of a week-old head of lettuce.

Fintan O'Toole
film critic, on Quentin Tarantino

I worship the quicksand he walks on.

Art Buchwald

They turned the country up on its side, and everything loose fell into California.

Frank Lloyd Wright

The cover of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Bierce

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

Thomas Fuller

If wit was chocolate you wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.

A man is like floor tile. Lay it just right and you can walk on it for life.


God ruined a perfectly good woman, by putting a dick on him.

Ricky Swinn

All charming people have something to hide, usually it is their total dependance on the appreciation of others.

Cyril Connolly

(contributed by James Park)

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

George Bernard Shaw

What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?

If this is tea, please bring me some coffee... but if this is coffee, please bring me some tea.

Abraham Lincoln

(contributed by Joe Katter)

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!

Arabian insult

Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.

Sam Ewing

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

Sam Ewing

"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now? "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.

Sam Ewing

When a husband says, "I run things in my home" he may mean the washing machine, the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner.

Sam Ewing

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it!

Groucho Marx

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

Black Adder II

The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket.

He's a real gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

Shirley Maclaine
Steel Magnolias

How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?

(contributed by CJ)

If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot.

Donna Gephart

(contributed by Veronica)

By giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it [modern journalism] keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.

Oscar Wilde

You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

I'm sure you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

I could punch you in the face, but why should I improve your looks.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.

Sharp as a tack and twice as dull.

Aisha Akeju

(contributed by Echo)

When God said "brains" you thought he said "trains" and took the first one out.

(contributed by Femme Nikita)

Stupidity should hurt.

Esthyr Adney

(contributed by Killashandra Ree)

Your father should have pulled out.

(oh my, this is gross!)

Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

John Wayne

(contributed by Joseph Vedovati)

You see, it's essential that one of us stays awake during the flight [ballon]. So, rather than using the comfortable Virgin seats which we used to cross the Atlantic, we've asked British Airways for two of theirs.

Richard Branson

If I wanted any shit from you, I'd scrape it off your dick!

(contributed by Jeremy Dare)

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

George Bernard Shaw

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you're unarmed.

Have you ever been arrested for indecent exposure for being such an asshole?

Irish Militant

Your reality, Sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

Baron Munchausen

Here is some money, call someone who cares.

(contributed by Pär Boman)

Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by.

(contributed by

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

H. L. Mencken

(contributed by

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

Marcus Aureliuss

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

H. L. Mencken

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Mark Twain

A humanitarian is always a hypocrite.

George Orwell

Faith is not a function of stupidity but a frequent cause of it.

Wendy Kaminer

I sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers.

Albert Camus

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Does your face hurt? It's killing me.

You're like school on a Saturday... no class!

Fat Albert

(contributed by rudiestar)

To succeed in life, it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well mannered.


It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate people like you.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

If your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too.

Sue Grafton
M is for Malice

The wheel is spinning, but the hampster's dead.

I was going to bring you a shit sandwich, but I remembered that you don't like bread.

(contributed by steve)

Is that your face, or did your neck throw-up?

(contributed by H C)

It must take a lot of energy to be that stupid!

Garfield: Out to Lunch

(contributed by Wacko Warrior)

Men are like snowstorms in that you never know when they're coming, how long they'll last, or how many inches you're going to get.

Men have periods too, they just don't bleed.

Tori Amos

(contributed by Faith Morissette)

He was the kind of man who walked into an Amsterdam hash-bar, and ordered it with eggs.

Ikasatu Kirasawa

(contributed by James_Icen)

She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.

Garison Kielor
Prarie Home Companion

(contributed by James_Icen)

God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, well, we all make mistakes.

(contributed by Becca Varble)

"I'm sorry I'm late"
"Dont apologize. I'm sorry you're alive

Blackadder ll

(contributed by Noam)

I was gonna smack you in the face, but I see God already beat me to it.

Taz (WWF)

(contributed by Matt Carpenter)

May you live in interesting times!

ancient Chinese curse

Women are more balanced than men. Where the most brilliant minds have so far have mostly belonged to men, no women has ever been as stupid as a man can be.

John Smith

(contributed by Jason Perrault)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart.

(contributed by tamara)

Hey, you're pretty quick... then again I guess I'd be pretty quick too if I spent the first nine-months of my life dodging a coat hanger.

Are you a polititcian or does lyin' just run in your family?

(Idgie) Mary Stuart Masterson
Fried Green Tomatoes

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your man seems to think so too.

(contributed by Kate)

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

Do that trick again, the one where you open your mouth and your head disappears.

Miracle On Mason Street

(contributed by Ken Joy)

God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you!


(contributed by Cuchulain)

I lost closer friends than him the last time I was deloused.


(contributed by Cuchulain)

Compliments cost nothing, and so they are of little value to any except fools and women.


(contributed by

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.

Dennis Miller

(contributed by sam)

Producing satire is kind of hopeless because of the literacy rate of the American public.

Frank Zappa

(contributed by sam)

I assure you, you will never survive on your wits alone.


I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.

Mark Twain

If you can't laugh at yourself, there's always someone there to show you how it's done.

You are the strongest argument, yet, against cloning.

Patricia Richardson
Home Improvement

I'm blonde......what's YOUR excuse?

Becky Platt

(contributed by )Stacey

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself.

Erich Fromm

A man is really amazing creature - he grieves when he loses wealth and still he is absolutely indifferent when his life is passing without any aim.


(contributed by aliya/creather)

If a man builds one thousand bridges, then sucks one dick, to the world, he's not a bridge-builder, he's a cock-sucker.

Play It to the Bone

(contributed by Mike)

Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

Walter Matthau
Grumpy Old Men

If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have... I'd have a dollar.

Squidward - Spongebob Squarepants

The magnanimity and sensibility of a lady who faints when she sees a calf being killed, she is so kind hearted that she can't look at the blood, but enjoys serving the calf up with sauce

Leo Tolstoy
War and Peace

(contributed by R.Jackson)

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