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Simply Delightful - Quotes

I love you more than flies love shit.

Do not walk in front of me, I might not follow. Do not walk behind me, I might not lead. Do not walk beside me, just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

Guns don't kill people. Bullets going really, really fast do.

Wiley's Non Sequitur

Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.

Gary Lineker

There may be no "I" in "team", but there is a "me", and without me, you're going to lose.

Nat Miranda

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Gloria Leonard

(contributed by Sara J.)

Nothing tests your ethics like selling a used car.

Linda Holland

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Noel Coward

(contributed by she)

Some people fear that technology will become more engaging than live human interactions. That's silly; technology is already way more interesting than other people.

Scott Adams

Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Breakfast of Champions

(contributed by meg)

Here Lies Lester Moore - Four Slugs From A .44 - No Les, No More.

Legendary Boot Hill tombstone inscription

(contributed by Steve Gyldenvand)

In life we make the best mistakes we know how to make. Then, with luck, we go out and make new ones.

Joan Oliver Goldsmith
How Can We Keep From Singing

Let the wind blow through your hair while you still have some.

Dave Weinbaum

Nothing seems interesting when it belongs to you, only when it doesn't.

Natalie Rabbitt
Tuck Everlasting

Just try to be angry with someone who fed you something delicious.

Carmen Cook
Cooking Light

What most needs explanation is not why some people are criminals, but why most people are not.

James Q. Wilson
The Moral Sense

Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment.

Doug Larson

Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good while you're doing it, but then you realize you are only fucking yourself.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer Simpson

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

The dog's life is a good life, for a dog.

Those art lovers who pride themselves mostly on taste usually possess no other talent.

To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.

When I hear the word 'culture', I reach for my checkbook.

I wouldn't trade a good horse for the best Rolls-Royce ever made - unless I could trade the Rolls for two good horses.

Humankind will not be free until the last Kremlin commissar is strangled with the entrails of the last Pentagon chief of staff.

In all of nature, there is no sound more pleasing than that of a hungry animal at its feed. Unless you are the food.

Literary critics, like a herd of cows or a school of fish, always face in the same direction, obeying that love for unity that every critic requires.

The best people, like the best wines, come from the hills.

For women, the sexual act is a means to a higher end. For a man, it is an end in itself.

'Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, 'If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'

Lewis Carroll

It is time for us men to acknowledge not only that women are vastly superior beings (that's easy) but also that they are - in every way that matters - our equals. That's hard.

A palindrome: Retteb sif lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better.

Health is merely the slowest way someone can die.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. History simply documents the success of that approach.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. (big bang theory).

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.


There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?

'It's easier said than done.'
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that 'it's easier said that 'it's easier done than said' than it is done', which really proves that 'it's easier said than done'.

Kids used to ask you where they came from - now they tell you where to go.

Never let your studies interfere with your education.

If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.

People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which, as individuals, they know are stupid.

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes men and rivers crooked.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.

If a string has one end, it has another.