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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one. So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say, "What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

Zach Galifianakis

When Michael Jordan scored 69 points, I knew I'd always remember it as the night me and Michael combined for 70 points.

Stacey King

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like "You know sometimes I forget to eat!" Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Cliff Clavin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Jack Handy

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

I'd like to learn a new langauage: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with 'you bastard'.

Sean Meo

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

Sam Levenson

I wasn't running from the cops... they were chasing me.

USE: Days for sub-two, first shall face wetness and wield the product gently knead, then with cleanly water washing. NOTICE: Avoid into eyeball, if immodesty, shortly washing for cleanly water.

On the container of a Japanese skin care product

(contributed by Danica)

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Paul Hamm, gymnast
Olympics, Athens 2004

(contributed by creather)

There are two kinds of friendship: one is genuine affection, the other is inability to refuse.

Umberto Eco
How To Travel With A Salmon and Other Essays

(contributed by Vanessa)

Occupation is simply the manner in which people choose to squander their talents


There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse.

Quentin Crisp

The ancient Greeks believed that the brain was for cooling the blood. And when I need to cool my blood, don't I use my brain to order a Frozen Margarita?

The Covert Comic

(contributed by Natalya)

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk all over me. I like it.

The Covert Comic

(contributed by Natalya)

Reduced carcinogens. Premium taste

Omni (brand of cigarettes) slogan

All of the taste... Less of the toxins

Advance (brand of cigarettes) slogan

We've been doubling sales every 18 months. However, when you start from zero, it takes a long while.

Stephen Yeo, a marketing director at Windows-terminal manufacturer Wyse

Shallow is such an ugly word. I like to think of myself as selectively deep.

Two Of A Kind

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

An ancient wisdom proclaims the reason farts have an obnoxious odor is so that the deaf may enjoy them also.

(contributed by Leath Oreth Dofor)

If less is more think how much more, more would be.

(contributed by Leath Oreth Dofor)

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.

(contributed by Stoner Bob Adney)

Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants
Carpe ovum - Seize the egg
Cave Canem - Beware of the dog

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Looking at Capitol Hill is like looking at that Escher picture of the wild geese flying together: makes no fucking sense and occasionally shits on your head.

Dennis Miller

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Michael Aulfrey

When I die I want to go like Grandpa, in my sleep. Not like Grandma in the passenger seat.

Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.

Black Dragon

Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same.

Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics.

Bill Vaughan

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

Shirley MacLaine

If you want to know where God is ask a drunk.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary