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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

Ladies are suggested not to have children in the bar.

in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Stop: Drive Sideways.

detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

Special today - no ice cream

in a Swiss mountain inn

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

at a Budapest zoo

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

in an Acapulco hotel

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they're best in the long run.

in a Tokyo shop

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

in a Copenhagen airline ticket office

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

from a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

in a Tokyo hotel

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the Russian Orthodox monastery

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

a sign posted in Germany's Black Forest

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

in a Zurich Hotel

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist

If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.

on the door of a Moscow hotel room

When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

in an Tokyo car rental firm

Ghana is, as you perhaps in Korea, and is regarded as the high-qualified Ghana our marvelous, smooth and mild whole already know, enjoying high reputation selling chocolates masterpieces of all milk chocolate.

on the wrapper of Korean Ghana brand chocolate bar

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

Better keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid then open it and remove any doubt.

Rami Belson

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding cloths.

Joseph Addison

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Alfred Adler

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.

Maya Angelou
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.

Richard Armour

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Honoré de Balzac

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Tallulah Bankhead

If you cry "forward," you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.

Anton Chekhov

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

Abba Eban

People can have the Model T in any colour - so long as it's black.

Henry Ford

We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.

Bary Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during NHL's Stanley Cup playoffs

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't.

Ulysses S. Grant

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing.

Lazarus Long

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it - it is healthy.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I am an atheist, thank God.

Luis Buñuel

When it came to slaughtering sacred cows with such crude yet perfect musical precision, there was no one better than Frank. I wonder what songs he's teaching the angels right now? Good luck God! You've got your hands full this time.

Terry Gilliam on Frank Zappa

What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

Thomas Hewitt Key

Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.

Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?

Dorothy Parker

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.