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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.

Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Stress: a condition created when the brain overides the bodily propensity to beat the living shit out of someone who needs it.

The older I get, the faster I was.

No Fear

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Sam Ewing

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen

The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.

William J. Broad

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Rich Cook

Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

warning label on a cup of McDonald's coffee

Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

warning label on a piano

For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

warning label on work gloves

WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy

warning label on a fax machine

Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

warning label on children's alphabet blocks

Cape does not enable user to fly.

warning label on a Batman costume

Capacity, 1.

on a wet suit

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

written on a bathroom on route 66

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

David Moulton

Put it back in the horse!

H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a b

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

A billion here, a couple of billion there - first thing you know it adds up to be real money.

Everett McKinley Dirksen

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.

There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -
Would you kindly direct me to hell?

Dorothy Parker

My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart -
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

Dorothy Parker

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Horngren's Observation

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

A day without sunshine is like night.

'You know, said Arthur, 'it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.'
'Why, what did she tell you?''I don't know, I didn't listen.'

Douglas Adams
The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why.

Mignon McLaughlin

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

Jeff Marder

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Lily Tomlin

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".

Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.

My karma ran over your dogma.

I is a college student.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles Schulz

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Blaise Pascal

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Swami X