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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Circus, n: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to so men, women and children acting the fool.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Immortality, n:
A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Liberty, n: One of imaginations most precious possessions.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Some people believe that by wearing sunglasses, other people can't see them.

Jason Q.

Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does.

E. Fang Rosenstein

Definition of "Just Friends": It means I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it.

The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes.

Gary Larson

This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.

Pleasure to meet you, President Dole.

Top 10 lines you'll never hear Mel Gibson say in a movie
Late Night With David Letterman

Where did all this fucking ice come from?

Captain of the Titanic

A leapord never changes his stripes.

Al Gore

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

Sir Thomas Beecham

To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.

Robert Schumann

Only when you have crossed the river can you say that the crocodile has a lump on his snout.


There are four types of men in the world; lovers, opportunists, lookers-on, and imbeciles. The happiest are the imbeciles.

When I go to peoples' houses I like to sneak into their bedrooms and try on their underwear.

The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.

Well actually it's a lot like smoking a cigar, but you don't bite the tip off.

The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.

Tom Clancy
Larry King Live, CNN

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them.

Phil Pastoretm Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.

Monta Crane

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.

General George Patton

It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M. Barrie

Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo.

If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

The easy way is always mined.

If the enemy is in range, so are you!

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Body count math is 3 guerillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemy killed in action.

Friendly fire isn't.

Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out!(This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet BMP and the Army's Bradley fighting vehicle. Both of which nicely package the troops for group destruction).

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
Larry King Live

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Calvin Coolidge

It's like deja vu all over again.

Yogi Berra

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

Charles De Gaulle

The loss of life will be irreplaceable.

Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

Richard M. Nixon