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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

You can go to hell in most states for doing that.

Walter K Douglas, Jr.

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.

Churchdown Parish Magazine, Gloucestershire, England

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Stephen Wright

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

P. J. O'Rourke

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!

Jerry Coleman, radio announcer

I'm going to give 110 percent on every play. You can't give any more than that.

Jimmy Johnson

Do not put head inside towel loop.

warning label on a tower dispensers in Washington State Ferries

"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke."

Reporter: Mr. Secretary, has anyone asked you the whereabouts of Mr. Molotov?
Secretary of State Dean Rusk: No. No one has asked me that question. You can if you want to.
Reporter: Well, sir, where is Mr. Molotov?
Rusk: I haven't the faintest idea.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

Bob Dole

Everyone says you should be yourself... like yourself is this definite thing... like a toaster or something.


I will not tolerate intolerance.

Bob Dole

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.

Axl Rose

Oh my god! Space Aliens!!! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids... EAT THEM!!!

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

It's not how good you can play when you play good. It's how good you play when you play bad and we can play as bad as anyone in the country.

Hugh Durham

Just because I look stupid doesn't mean I'm not.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Samuel Goldwyn

A hole had just appeared in the Galaxy. It was exactly a nothingth of a second long, a nothingth of an inch wide, and quite a lot of million light years from end to end. As it closed up [...] Two hundred and thirty-nine thousand lightly fried eggs fell out of it...materializing in a large woobly heap on the famine-struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. The whole Poghril tribe had died out from famine except for one last man who died of cholesterol poisoning some weeks later.

Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, blue-green meat is bad for you.

If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere.

On Civility in Children

The least most reliable method is the withdrawal method: Some call it "being careful", but it is actually "being stupid". The Pearl index for this method is about 40 pregnancies per 100 woman-years.

The Pearl index for having unprotected sex and going, "I hope I do not get pregnant" is about 50 pregnancies per 100 woman-years. Hope is not a method.

On pregnancy: Do you know that...
The New Paper on Sunday, 16 April 2000

It's not a lie if you believe it.

George Costanza (Jason Alexander)

The way to make money in the stock market is to buy a stock. Then, when it goes up, sell it. If it's not going to go up, don't buy it!

Will Rogers

There is, in fact, a difference between crazy and insane. A crazy person will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it in a clown suit.

When I masturbate, I always buy myself dinner and flowers first, so that I'll feel I haven't used myself.

Neil Mohammed

I've got cable TV now. History channel, nature channel, elephants 24 hours a day and I'd rather watch that than listen to some coked up twat - i.e. me - bleat on about himself.

Robbie Williams
Q magazine August 2000

It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

On a camera: This camera only works when there is film inside.

On a package of airline peanuts: Open packet and eat contents.

On a chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a mirror for a bicycle helmet: Remember - objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

On a bottle of flavoured-milk drink: After opening, keep upright.

On a steering-wheel lock: Warning - remove lock before driving.

Richard Lederer
American Enterprise

If you cannot read this, ask a flight attendant.

(on the airplane instructions in case of an accident), United Airlines

"The crows seem to be calling my name," thought Caw.

Jack Handy
Deep Thoughts

People who say that only young people voted on the Internet, those who didn't see Pele play, forget that children are not orphans. There's always a father who buys the computer and perhaps influences their vote. I won the people's vote.

Diego Maradona
on being voted Fifa's Player of the Century along with Pele

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

Jack Handey

Love smiled at me one day, so I smashed its face in with a bat.

We didn't underestimate them, they were just better than we thought.

Bobby Robson: England football manager, upon defeat in the World Cup

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx

To be is to do (Socrates).
To do is to be (Sartre).
Doobeedoobeedoo (Sinatra)

Lisa, you're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all by yourself.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

I wish I had a cross made out of Kryptonite, because then I could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Jack Handey

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Saturday Night Live - NBC

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

Andrew S. Tanenbaum
Computer Networks