Utter Stupidity - Quotes
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
It's not hard to tell we was poor - when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special! Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Cop When You're Pulled Over
"There's a door."
"Where does it go?"
"It stays where it is, I think."
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
The Princess Bride
I can resist anything but temptation.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
Who invented the television?
Look out! Behind you!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Do you know what the death rate around here is?
One per person.
If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?
The reason that we have been losing is because we haven't been winning.
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
What's big and green, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you?
A pool table.
They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
It is unfortunate to consider all lawyers as natural Satanists many are just dumb.
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." Traveller's Tales
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows." Traveller's Tales
"The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front." Traveller's Tales
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and drove into the river." Traveller's Tales
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have." Traveller's Tales
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it." Traveller's Tales
"I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way." Traveller's Tales
"A van backed through my windscreen into my wife's face." Traveller's Tales
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." Traveller's Tales
"He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." Traveller's Tales
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished." Traveller's Tales
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
1994 Miss Universe contest
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
You guys line up alphabetically by height.
You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.
Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.
I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.