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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Jimmy Buffet

What is big, yellow and eats rocks?
A big, yellow rock eater.

I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts!

We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.

Dave Farber

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Frank Zappa

The three most common things in the universe are hydrogen, stupidity and wreckage from TIE fighters.

Wedge Antilles
X-Wing series of Novels

George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.

I used to go fishing, then it dawned on me: I can buy fish.

Kenny Rogerson

Can I ask a rhetorical question? Well, can I?

Twice: Once too often.

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.

Jimmy Hill

Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names.

BBC Proms, Radio 3

Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

Metro Radio Sports Commentary

Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

BBC Radio 4

Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth."
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."


Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that."


It's not you, it's me. I just don't like you.

Adam Corrola

I'm never wrong. Once, I thought I was, but I was mistaken.

Carl Blankenhorn

Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

George Carlin
as Hippy Dippy Weatherman

Why is it called "taking" a shit? Besides, wouldn't your hands get all messy?

Melinda Owens

Having a wonderful time, glad you're not here.

P.S. I would have enclosed the $ you asked for, but I had already sealed the envelope. Love, Mom

"I didn't do anything!"
"But you would have done it, given the chance."
"And so I should be punished?"

I fell asleep trying to wake you up.

I feel more like I do now than when I got here.


This is going to leave a bad taste in a lot of people's eyes.

Louise Day Hicks, former Boston (Mass.) city councilor

Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, abstinence make the heart go wander.

Galen Reid

50% of all married people are women

50% of the putts that are left short don't go in.

Yogi Berra

I need more than a quarter. I need like twenty-five cents.

Jon Brown

War solves nothing. It just leaves one person left to make the decision.

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.

Bill Peterson, football coach

One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.

The Usual Suspects

If you believe in your dreams and in yourself, nothing is unattainable.

Benjer M.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Carole Burnett

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

Joan Rivers

I tried to commit suicide by sticking my head in the oven, but there was a cake in it.

Lesley Boone

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

Tallulah Bankhead, on seeing a former lover for the first time in years

Babies don't need fathers, but mothers do. Someone who is taking care of a baby needs to be taken care of.

Amy Heckerling

Remember, even a kick in the ass is a step forward.

Willie Heath

I thought I was in love once, but it turned out it was just an inner ear imbalance.

Benton Frasier
Due South