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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Groucho Marx

Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.

If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.

How do you play religious roulette?
You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

If a tree falls in the forest on a mime, does anyone care?

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tyres, especially while the bike is moving.
our lawyers made us put these warnings in.

an Australian motorcycle manual

British skydiver Alfred Peters collided with a sportplane. Peters broke his foot, while the plane crashed and the four people on board died.

Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: "I FUCKED your mother!!!"
Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: "Go home dad, you're drunk."

An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.

Copywrong 1995 - All rights reversed.

What was that number for 911 again?

Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

Lisa Simpson takes after both her parents: she has Marge's common sense, hard work ethic and sympathy for others; she has Homer's last name.

The Simpsons

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

Dizzy Dean
explaining how he felt after being hit in the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"Hot oil! We need hot oil!... Forget the water balloons!"

Gary Larson

"I have two problems. First, your mother's birthday is next week and I must give her what she wants."
"What's the other problem?"
"I don't know what she wants."

Under One Roof

Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, jumbo, colossal and super-colossal so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.

Barbara Seaman

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.

Gene Fowler

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light". And there was still nothing but you could see it.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Groucho Marx

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Groucho Marx

My first love was Cinderella, but she ran off with another man.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.

Dorothy Parker

Cold Weather Causes Temperature To Drop

headline from Stillwater (Okla.) News-Press

87, 79, 78, 70, 69...

Tim Allen, when asked to count backwards from 87 after being stopped for speeding

I know you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Richard Nixon

All along the untrodden paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand.

Sir Boyle Roche

If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course!

Robert Heinlen

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

"You have such beautiful eyes. Where did you get them?"
"They came with my head."

You wouldn't have won if we had beaten you.

Yogi Berra

I believe that this country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of nondiscrimination.

Bill Clinton

That's a wise substitution by Terry Venables: three fresh man, three fresh legs.

Jimmy Hill

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

David Letterman

On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?

Sam Ewing

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

Bob Rubin

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

Be alert... the world needs more lerts.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen

Too many piglets not enough tits.

Abraham Lincoln

[Secondhand smoke is not a problem.] If children don't like to be in a smoky room, they'll leave. [As for infants,]... at some point, they'll crawl.

Charles Harper, RJR Tobacco Company

Tell me why the sky is blue,
Tell me why the sexes are two,
Tell me why bananas are curved,
And I will tell you what you deserve.

The sky is blue 'cause it's full of doubt,
The sexes are two 'cause the rest died out,
Bananas are curved to return when thrown,
And I deserve a newsgroup of my own.

Percival Platypus