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Utter Stupidity - Quotes

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

How do you do?
Do what?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

... thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Joey Bishop

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Elayne Boolser

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

Richard Diran

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Benny Hill

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

Charles Kuralt

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.

David Letterman

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.

W. Somerset Maugham

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

Steven Pearl

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Stephen Wright

Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

Gentlemen! You can't fight in here. This is the War Room.

Dr. Strangelove

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.

Clarence Day

Beware the naked man who takes out his wallet.

Jason Curabia

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out.

Anton Chekhov

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.

Phillip K. Dick

Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.

Yogi Berra

When I can't be bothered to be lazy I just give in and do work.

What I said was scathing, unneccesarily blunt and contained wild tangents of untruth.

Fuck ye not with the lads, lest the lads fuck with ye.


There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?


The shit that happens fertilizes the sweet roses of memory.


I am accountable to no man, not even to myself.


Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?

W. C. Fields