The One With Mrs.Bing (111)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
MONICA: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer. PHOEBE: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic. MONICA: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And - he can dance! PHOEBE: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked. MONICA: I wish all guys could be like him. PHOEBE: I know. JAY LENO (TV): Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always-interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one. CHANDLER: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime, HBL and Cinemax. RACHEL: No way, forget it. JOEY: C'mon, she's your mom! CHANDLER: Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No? RACHEL: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! CHANDLER: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch'. ROSS: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast. CHANDLER: You can say that because she's not your mom. ROSS: Oh, please.. JAY LENO (TV): Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going? MRS. BING (TV): Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love... ALL: Awww! CHANDLER: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone. RACHEL: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer. MRS. BING: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book. CHANDLER: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen. MRS. BING: What is with you tonight? ROSS: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. MRS. BING: It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it. ROSS: No. It's the one he's licking. MRS. BING: She's supposed to be with you. ROSS: You're good. MRS. BING: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? ROSS: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? MRS. BING: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off. ROSS: When? MRS. BING: He's not a hero... You know who our hero is. ROSS: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing? ROSS: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right? JOEY: Right. No big deal. ROSS: Okay. JOEY: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code! ROSS: What code? JOEY: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom! CHANDLER: Oh my God. ROSS: You're my friend. I - I had to tell you. CHANDLER: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? ROSS: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom. CHANDLER: What? ROSS: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora - um, Mrs. Mom - your Bing - was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing - Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in- CHANDLER: You knew about this? JOEY: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. CHANDLER: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?! JOEY: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened. ROSS: Thanks, man, big help. MONICA: 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. RACHEL: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? MONICA: Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'. JOEY: Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. ROSS: I cannot believe we're having this conversation. JOEY: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. MRS. BING: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon? CHANDLER: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough. ROSS: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. JOEY: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything. ROSS: You're kidding. JOEY: No, no. He said 'When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?' ROSS: Wow! JOEY: Then she came back with 'The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?' ROSS: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?'? JOEY: That makes more sense. ROSS: So, what's going on now? JOEY: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. ROSS: Whaddya see? JOEY: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run! RACHEL: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. MONICA: What's a 'niffle'? JOEY: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. RACHEL: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist... ROSS: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! RACHEL: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it! ALL: Nooo!
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transcribed by guineapig
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