The One With All The Poker (118)

written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
ROSS: Rach, did you proofread these?

RACHEL: Uh... yeah, why?

ROSS: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.

RACHEL: Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?

JOEY: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

CHANDLER: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?

ROSS: I don't know.

CHANDLER: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?

ROSS: No, it's not just that. It's just--I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...

CHANDLER: ...little playthings with yarn?

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Could you want her more?

ROSS: Who?

CHANDLER: Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening.

ROSS: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... Hiiii!

RACHEL: Hi! How are you?

ROSS: We're fine, we're fine.


RACHEL: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

PHOEBE: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?

ROSS: No, women are welcome to play.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?

CHANDLER: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.

JOEY: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

GIRLS: Oh, yeah, right.

MONICA: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!

RACHEL: Really.

MONICA: I mean, that's a typical guy response.

ROSS: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?


RACHEL: But you could teach us.


CHANDLER: OK, so now we draw cards.

MONICA: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight.

RACHEL: Oh, good for you!

PHOEBE: Congratulations!

CHANDLER: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?

PHOEBE: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.

ROSS: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't--you can't do--

RACHEL: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here!

ROSS: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.

RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours.

ROSS: Oh, you're...

MONICA: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.


JOEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz -

MONICA: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...

ROSS: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy...

PHOEBE: Oh I see, so then, you were lying.

JOEY: About what?

PHOEBE: About how good your cards were.

JOEY: Heh... I was bluffing.

PHOEBE: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?

RACHEL: So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.

ROSS: ...Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

ROSS: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt...

JOEY: ...Yeah?

ROSS: I'm not a nice guy.

RACHEL: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

MONICA: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

PHOEBE: Ha. Ha, ha.


PHOEBE: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.

MONICA: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.

RACHEL: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?

MONICA: That was not an incident! I - I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.

MONICA: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. Hi!

IRIS: Is Tony Randall dead?


MONICA: I don't think so.


IRIS: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.


RACHEL: Oh my God!

MONICA: Really?

IRIS: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. Nice earrings.

PHOEBE: Thank y -

ROSS: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.

JOEY: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.

PHOEBE: Alright, here's my $7.50. But I think you should know that this money is cursed.

JOEY: What?

PHOEBE: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.

CHANDLER: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.

ROSS: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...

RACHEL: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women.

MONICA: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.

RACHEL: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.

ROSS: Alright. Your money's mine, Green.

RACHEL: Your fly is open, Geller.

PHOEBE: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?

CHANDLER: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!

RACHEL: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?

ROSS: No, not this time. So... what'd you have?

RACHEL: I'm not telling.

ROSS: Come on, show them to me.


ROSS: Show them to me!

RACHEL: Get your hands out of there! No!

ROSS: Let me see! Show them!

CHANDLER: Y'know, I've had dates like this.

RACHEL: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?

ROSS: I'm in.

RACHEL: How many you want?

ROSS: One.

RACHEL: Dealer takes two. What do you bet?

ROSS: I bet two dollars.

RACHEL: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty.

ROSS: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five.

RACHEL: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.

MONICA: Rachel, there's nothing in it.

RACHEL: OK, then get me your purse.

ROSS: OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?

RACHEL: Full house.

ROSS: You got me.

JOEY: Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat.

CHANDLER: I thought we had them!

ROSS: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. But, uh... look how happy she is.

transcribed by Dan Silverstein