The One Where Old Yeller Dies (220)

written by Adam Chase, Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.


ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?

RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END.

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking.'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. Hey, why don't you ask Richard?

JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old-er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag.

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want.

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door?

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?


MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.


MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.

ROSS: Ok, what the hell happened back there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The Big Book of Childrens' Names.

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.

RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.

CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.


JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.


JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.

CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.

PHOEBE: Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go.

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

transcribed by Joshua Hodge