The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel (304)

written by Alexa Junge

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
HOST: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!

PHOEBE: Oh, oh! It's on again!

JOEY: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.

ALL: Shhhh!

HOST: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.

JOEY: Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way!

MIKE: And there is Kevin.

JOEY: Can we please turn this off?

RACHEL: Noo way, Kevin.

MIKE: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.

ROSS: Are you intrigued?

CHANDLER: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!

MIKE: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This works with any milk carton.

JOEY: Wow, it is easy. Now, I can have milk everyday.

JOEY: Hey!


CHANDLER: Hey, man. What's up?

JOEY: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!

CHANDLER: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.

PHOEBE: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! Okay, it was me!

JOEY: How is it you?

PHOEBE: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it.

JOEY: Yep, that's my audition.

MONICA: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.

PHOEBE: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.

JANICE: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.

JOEY: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.

PHOEBE: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.

JOEY: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.

PHOEBE: What a sad little life she must lead.

JOEY: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?

PHOEBE: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'

JOEY: Hang up, hang up.

PHOEBE: 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'

CHANDLER: Is anybody else scared?

PHOEBE: 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' I need a pen.

CHANDLER: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!

MONICA: Oh, now you want a pad.

MONICA: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?

JOEY: I love that movie.

MONICA: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?

JOEY: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.

RACHEL: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?

CHANDLER: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.

ROSS: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?


ROSS: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.

CHANDLER: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'

RACHEL: Men are unbelievable.

MONICA: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?

CHANDLER: I know, that, that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.

MONICA: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.

JOEY: Hey, you know about that?!

CHANDLER: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!

ROSS: Where there is no fear of commitment.

CHANDLER: Do we have any... Do we have any thoughts here?

JOEY: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. If you have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs... get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.

RACHEL: Amazingly, that makes sense.

CHANDLER: You think?

JOEY: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!

CHANDLER: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

JOEY: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.

JOEY: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.


JOEY: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.

PHOEBE: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right

JOEY: Nooo, four.

JANICE: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?

CHANDLER: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this.

JANICE: Ohhh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.

CHANDLER: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.

JANICE: Oh, you didn't have to do this.

CHANDLER: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.

JANICE: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.

CHANDLER: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.

JANICE: We should?

CHANDLER: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!

JANICE: I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?

CHANDLER: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.

JANICE: You probably want us to move in together?

CHANDLER: It doesn't scare me!

JANICE: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...

CHANDLER: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!!!

CHANDLER: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.

RACHEL: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.

MONICA: You know, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.

CHANDLER: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?


RACHEL: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.

MONICA: She has to know that your not ready.

RACHEL: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.

CHANDLER: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?

RACHEL: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.

CHANDLER: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'


ROSS: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.

RACHEL: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?

JOEY: G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?

JOEY: Pheebs! There you are!

PHOEBE: No it's not, sorry.

JOEY: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those... pants.

JOEY: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.

PHOEBE: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

JOEY: It's okay, these things happen.

PHOEBE: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.

JOEY: I'm, I'm okay. See.

PHOEBE: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.

JOEY: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.

PHOEBE: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.

JOEY: They actually said that?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...

JOEY: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. 'I canna work on a new accent.'

JANICE: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?

CHANDLER: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party.

JANICE: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.

JANICE: Where is this party?

CHANDLER: Here in Chelsea.

JANICE: Who's party is it?

CHANDLER: A woman's

JANICE: What woman?!

CHANDLER: Chelsea.

JANICE: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be?

CHANDLER: Can I be that guy?

PHOEBE: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.

JOEY: Okay, shoot.

PHOEBE: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.

JOEY: I didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.

JOEY: Okay, what else?

PHOEBE: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb'.


PHOEBE: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'

JOEY: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.


JOEY: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.

PHOEBE: Yeah, no, I understand.

JOEY: You do, thanks.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Sorry.

JOEY: Wait a minute.


JOEY: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.

PHOEBE: Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.

JOEY: That's-ah what I suspected-ah.

CHANDLER: ... And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.

MONICA: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.

CHANDLER: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?

RACHEL: Yeah, it is.

CHANDLER: Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. Okay, what do I do?

RACHEL: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.

MONICA: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.



MONICA: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.

RACHEL: Yes, and grumpy.

CHANDLER: What are you, stop naming dwarves!

RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

CAROL: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!

ROSS: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.

SUSAN: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?

ROSS: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'

MONICA: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.

ROSS: What?

MONICA: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.

ROSS: What are you talking about?

MONICA: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.

ROSS: Okay, you are totally making this up.

MONICA: How can you not remember? You made us call you... Bea.

ROSS: Oh God.

SUSAN: I've literally never been this happy.

MONICA: Wasn't there a little song?

CAROL: Oh please God, let there be a song.

transcribed by Eric B Aasen