The One Where Rachel Finds Out (124)

written by Chris Brown

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah right, OK, including the waffles last week, you now owe me...seventeen jillion dollars.

JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.

JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research.

ROSS: What kind of research?

JOEY: Oh, just, y'know... science.

ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

JOEY: ... It's a fertility study.

MONICA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.

JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

ROSS: Hey.

PHOEBE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!

PHOEBE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your special someone?

JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh... she's pretty great.

MONICA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?

MONICA: Man's got a point.

JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

CHANDLER: Crazy bitch.

JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... personal experiments, if you know what I mean.

MONICA: Joey... we always know what you mean.

ROSS: I'm going to China.

PHOEBE: Jeez, you say one thing, and...

MONICA: You're going to China?

ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo - it's - it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary. Um... here's a picture of me...

PHOEBE: Oh, let me see!

ROSS: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?


ROSS: ...I have to go to China.

JOEY: The country?

ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront.

ROSS: Do you guys know who Carl is?

CHANDLER: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore... no.

ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.

JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?

CHANDLER: Forget about her.

JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

CHANDLER: Course there, they just call it food.

ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK?

JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.

CHANDLER: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

MONICA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?

JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I -

MONICA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

JOEY: What do you mean?

MONICA: Y'know, just be there for her.

JOEY: Not following you.

MONICA: Think about it.

RACHEL: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And... it's a book!

PHOEBE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!

JOEY: That book got me through some tough times.

MELANIE: There is a little child inside this man!

CHANDLER: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

RACHEL: Oh... Oh my God. He remembered.

PHOEBE: Remembered what?

RACHEL: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

CHANDLER: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?

PHOEBE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

MONICA: I can't believe he did this.

CHANDLER: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

RACHEL: What did you just say?

CHANDLER: Ahem... um... Crystal duck.

RACHEL: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?

CHANDLER: F-hah... flennin...

RACHEL: Oh... my God.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no no no...

JOEY: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

RACHEL: I mean, this is unbelievable.

PHOEBE: I know. This is really, really huge.

CHANDLER: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.

PHOEBE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

CHANDLER: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

MONICA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

RACHEL: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

RACHEL: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him.

CHANDLER: H-He's in China!

JOEY: The country.

MONICA: No, no, wait. His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.

CHANDLER: What about the time difference?

MONICA: From here to the airport?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.

MAN: What?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

MAN: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.

MELANIE: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.

JOEY: How do you mean?

MELANIE: I don't know, I - I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.

RACHEL: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.

MONICA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!

PHOEBE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

MONICA: Another good point.

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?

MONICA: Why isn't it working out?

RACHEL: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.

MONICA: Is he not cute enough for you?


MONICA: Does he not make enough money?

RACHEL: No, I'm just...

PHOEBE: Maybe there's someone else.


MONICA: Is there? Is there someone else?

RACHEL: No! There is.. there is no one else!

MONICA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

CHANDLER: So how'd it go?

JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?

CHANDLER: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.

JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

CHANDLER: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.

CHANDLER: I didn't know you had another level.

JOEY: I know! Neither did I!

MONICA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?


MONICA: Oh, from who?

RACHEL: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

MONICA: Well, it's the thought.

JOEY: Seven hundred bucks!

CHANDLER: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

CHANDLER: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?

JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?

RACHEL: Ross, you're like my best friend.

ROSS: I know.

RACHEL: If we broke up, and I lost you...

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?

RACHEL: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?

ROSS: I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

JULIE: Really?

ROSS: Yeah.

JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?

ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh...

ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait.

ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you.

transcribed by Dan Silverstein