The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner (314)

written by Wil Calhoun

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
SINGER: 'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know...

JOEY: Wow! This girl is good.

PHOEBE: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Ooo, I never thought of that before.

CHANDLER: I like her.

PHOEBE: Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?

CHANDLER: Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people.

SINGER: Hey Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?

LESLIE: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....

CHANDLER: All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish.

LESLIE: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you'd want to get back together?

PHOEBE: No. But thanks.

LESLIE: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?

PHOEBE: Okay. No. But thanks.

JOEY: Wow, that was kinda brutal.

PHOEBE: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. Can I have a tissue, please?

GUNTHER: Someone in there [toilet]?

CHANDLER: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.'

CHANDLER: Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah... This is the part where you say your name.

WOMAN: Ginger.

CHANDLER: Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so...

GINGER: Don't you have to use the bathroom?

CHANDLER: Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.

GUNTHER: Someone in here.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!

MONICA: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?

PHOEBE: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together.

MONICA: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.

PHOEBE: You never run on a barge!

JOEY: Hey.


JOEY: Is ah, is Chandler around?

MONICA: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.

JOEY: Oooh.

MONICA: Yeah, Ginger something.

JOEY: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?

JOEY: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.

MONICA: Well, what did you do?

JOEY: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.

MONICA: Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way.

JOEY: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner...

MONICA: You gave her food poisoning!?

JOEY: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.

PHOEBE: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!

JOEY: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.

MONICA: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?

JOEY: I ran!!!

CHANDLER: Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room.

GINGER: Actually, me too.

CHANDLER: Oop, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.

GINGER: Oh damn, I hate that.

CHANDLER: Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.

GINGER: Oh, don't worry about it.

CHANDLER: No, really you're gonna freeze.

GINGER: No, I'm not.

CHANDLER: You're not, what do you, what do you got? A bionic foot?

GINGER: Some day, maybe.

MONICA: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.

PHOEBE: It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't called. Not that I even care, y'know.

MONICA: Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to.

PHOEBE: You think you know me so well.

MONICA: Well, don't 'cha wanna?


MONICA: Okay, well I do know you.

PHOEBE: That's what I said.

MONICA: Well so?

PHOEBE: I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Okay, bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives.

PHOEBE: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.

LESLIE: Wow, that's great.

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah!

LESLIE: Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.

PHOEBE: I... a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.

LESLIE: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.

PHOEBE: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.

MONICA: So umm, how was your date with Ginger?

CHANDLER: Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness.

MONICA: Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package.

CHANDLER: Joey told you about the leg, huh?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so often it's like 'Hey, y'know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world.

JOEY: Morning.

CHANDLER: Actually he's the smallest person in the world.

JOEY: Heard about the leg burnin' huh?

CHANDLER: It came up.

JOEY: Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?

ROSS: So I nodded off a little.

RACHEL: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!

ROSS: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.

RACHEL: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!'

ROSS: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.

GINGER: You're thinking about my leg aren't you?

CHANDLER: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?

GINGER: It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: 'How much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?

CHANDLER: No. No. I don't think so.

GINGER: Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.

GINGER: What's that?

CHANDLER: That's-that's my nubbin.

GINGER: What's a nubbin?

CHANDLER: It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.

GINGER: You have three nipples?

CHANDLER: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... Ahh, what?

GINGER: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.

CHANDLER: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?

GINGER: Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay.

PHOEBE: Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you?

LESLIE: Come here, come here. Okay, don't get mad, okay.

PHOEBE: Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay

LESLIE: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.

PHOEBE: No, look, I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can't trust you then just forget it.

LESLIE: No, no, I don't want to forget it.

PHOEBE: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be?

MONICA: Sorry, Pheebs.

JOEY: Yeah. You okay?

PHOEBE: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: We'd love too.

PHOEBE: Okay. 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far.

CHANDLER: Well hello!

JOEY: Where have you been?

CHANDLER: The doctor.

ROSS: Is everything okay?

CHANDLER: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.

MONICA: Wow! It's like Rachel in high school.

RACHEL: What?!

MONICA: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!

CHANDLER: That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!

transcribed by Eric B Aasen