The One With The Hypnosis Tape (318)

written by Seth Kurland

CHANDLER: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.

GUNTHER: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.

CHANDLER: Okay.

GUNTHER: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit.

CHANDLER: No-no, why don't you hang on to that one.

RACHEL: What's your problem?

ROSS: Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.

RACHEL: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.

ROSS: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.

RACHEL: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.

PHOEBE: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.

CHANDLER: Or what my Father called Thursday night.

PHOEBE: Oh my God!!!

FRANK: Hi!

PHOEBE: Frank! Hi!

FRANK: How are you?

PHOEBE: What are you doing here?

FRANK: Oh, well y'know, I would've called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So...

PHOEBE: What happened?

FRANK: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.

CHANDLER: Y'know, I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.

PHOEBE: Yeah, isn't it fantastic?

MONICA: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don't you think he's a little young to get married?

PHOEBE: What, he's 18.

ROSS: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

JOEY: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.

CHANDLER: Always illegal Joe.

FRANK: Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fiancée, Mrs. Knight.

ALICE: Y'know it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I'm a big surprise.

MONICA: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?

FRANK: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.

ALICE: And he was my best student.

FRANK: Yeah, she was my best teacher.

ALICE: Ohhh.

CHANDLER: If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?

ROSS: And so now you guys are gonna be married?

ALICE: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away.

RACHEL: Oh my God!! Great!

PHOEBE: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you're ready for that?

FRANK: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn't want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, 'cause y'know, it'll be me. Right?

ALICE: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there's an age difference between us.

PHOEBE: Oh good! Okay. 'Cause you were acting like you didn't.

ALICE: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?

HYPNOSIS TAPE: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.

MONICA: Pete, can I get you something else?

PETE: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you're given' 'em out.

MONICA: Haven't you and I covered that topic?

MONICA: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.

PETE: Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, don't you?

RACHEL: Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain't a pretty picture in the morning, y'know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.

MONICA: I mean really, think about it.

PETE: Ho-ho, I will.

PHOEBE: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank's life, y'know. Y'know, I don't want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it's sick and wrong!

ROSS: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?

PHOEBE: No-no, oh, I'm fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat!

JOEY: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.

PHOEBE: But, I mean, do you think he's gonna enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, and it-it's not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it's not good home economics.

JOEY: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?

PHOEBE: Yes. Not out loud.

ROSS: Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's gonna be married, and then you're gonna hate yourself.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can't. But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it.

Ross and JOEY: No-no-no-no-no.

PHOEBE: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!

Ross and JOEY: No.

PHOEBE: Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank.

JOEY: So, we're walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, "Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes," remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, Nah, let's just hang out at your place. Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.

RACHEL: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.

MONICA: Nah, he doesn't do anything for me.

RACHEL: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?

MONICA: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids. All right, I get your point.

RACHEL: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?

CHANDLER: Y'know what, pretty good.

RACHEL: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Good! I haven't smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.

RACHEL: Hey Mon, let's give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.

CHANDLER: What check thing?

MONICA: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I'd call him.

CHANDLER: Pete Becker. Pete. Is this him?

MONICA: That's Bill Clinton.

CHANDLER: Who's he huggin'?

MONICA: Oh my God! That's Pete! But why is Bill huggin' Pete?

CHANDLER: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!

RACHEL: We use it!!!

CHANDLER: There you go!!!

RACHEL: Oh my God, Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire.

MONICA: I'm not gonna go out with him.

RACHEL: Oh my God, I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting.

MONICA: Or incredibly offensive.

RACHEL: Oh yeah, sure, that too.

ROSS: All we're saying is don't rush into anything.

JOEY: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're 18, okay, she's 44, when you're 36, she's gonna be 88.

FRANK: What, you don't think I know that?

JOEY: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet!

ROSS: Yeah, he-he's right, he's right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you're young, you're-you're weird, chicks dig that.

FRANK: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really, really care about.

JOEY: Yeah, in a poem maybe.

JOEY: Now, wh-what, what is that like?

FRANK: It's so cool man, it's so, it's just 'cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her.

JOEY: Why can't I find that?

ROSS: Don't ask me, I had it and I blew it!

JOEY: Well, I want it!

FRANK: You can have it!

JOEY: I don't know, maybe I can't. I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me.

ROSS: Oh, no! No!

FRANK: It's out there man! I've seen it! I got it!!!

JOEY: Then you hold on to it!!!

FRANK: All right, man!!!

JOEY: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard!

PHOEBE: You're Frank's best man?!

JOEY: I couldn't help it, their love is so pure.

PHOEBE: Well then, what about you?! Huh?!

ROSS: I'm the ring bearer.

MONICA: What the hell is this?

PETE: Hang on a second. I'll-I'll talk to you in the morning. I'm sorry what?

MONICA: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?

PETE: Well, y'know, I never know how much to tip.

MONICA: You're supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what's-what's the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you?

PETE: You're taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn't leave you that tip, you wouldn't of come down here, we wouldn't be having this argument, and there wouldn't be this ah, heat between us.

MONICA: What?!

PETE: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. 'Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we're like this-this couple that fights.

MONICA: Okay, umm, you're a loon.

PETE: Look, forget the check, okay. I like you. I think you're great. Come on, what do you say?

MONICA: I don't know.

PETE: Why not?

MONICA: 'Cause I don't want to encourage this kind of behaviour.

PETE: One meal! That's all I'm asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don't have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.

FRANK: Hi. Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It's-it's me!

PHOEBE: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark?

FRANK: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I'd curl up in it. Is that all right?

PHOEBE: So, how was your day?

FRANK: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I've been alive.

PHOEBE: What umm, what happened?

FRANK: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.

PHOEBE: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?

FRANK: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don't see how I could all of the sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together.

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no, I don't, I don't know. But, y'know what, maybe it's just all for the best?

FRANK: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!

FRANK: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it's still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it's, and now it's gone and I don't know why!

PHOEBE: Uh, well I can tell you why. It's, it's because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay?

FRANK: What?

PHOEBE: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn't be together, y'know. And you're gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will.

FRANK: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?

PHOEBE: Okay.

FRANK: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn't want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.

PHOEBE: Okay, but.

FRANK: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you'd understand! Oh no!!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go.

MONICA: So, where do you want to go?

PETE: Hey, you like pizza?

MONICA: Oh, that's sounds great.

PETE: I know a great little place.

PETE: You're, hey, you're not paying for the pizza!

MONICA: Oh come on, it's only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire?

PETE: Ahh, I'd throw another thousand on that.

MONICA: Why, how much is that?

PETE: That's about 60 cents.

HYPNOSIS TAPE: Cigarette's don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.

JOEY'S VOICE: Joey's your best friend. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.