The One With The Cat (402)

written by Jill Condon & Any Toomin



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
CHANDLER: 'Stunning entertainment center. Fine, fine Italian craftsmanship.'

PHOEBE: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?

RACHEL: Why? I love that thing.

CHANDLER: You want it?

PHOEBE AND RACHEL: Oh no.


CHANDLER: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?

JOEY: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!

CHANDLER: All right look, I'm changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.

JOEY: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.

CHANDLER: Nooo.

JOEY: Oh. What do you do?

CHANDLER: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living!

PHOEBE: Yeah, I actually don't know...

ROSS: Good, so do I

RACHEL: Something to do with numbers?


PHOEBE: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! Come on. Crazy. Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: Nothing. Nothing.

JOEY: What? What's wrong?

PHOEBE: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother.

RACHEL: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?!

PHOEBE: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.

ROSS: Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma's glycoma medicine again?


PHOEBE: No Dr. Skeptismo! I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the feeling.Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. My Mother's favourite fish is Orange Roughy... Cats... like... fish! Hi, Mommy. Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17 years!

JOEY: Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni-

CHANDLER: Let it go!!!


MONICA: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.

RACHEL: Oh, you go out with him.

MONICA: Oh, really?!

RACHEL: Yeah. Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy?

MONICA: I'll try.


ROSS: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?

JOEY: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don't think any of them are gonna work out.

CHANDLER: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.


TONY: Wow! That's ah, that's pretty nice!

JOEY: Pretty nice?

CHANDLER: You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.

TONY: We don't have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We've got a canoe.


CHANDLER: Y'know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe.

TONY: You gotta take the canoe!

CHANDLER: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!


RACHEL: You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! Look kinda familiar?

ROSS: Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio.

RACHEL: You guys, there's a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?!

JOEY: Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!!!


ROSS: Little girl misses her cat. Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her.

ALL: Yeah.

ROSS: Thank you.

RACHEL: I hate when Ross is right!

MONICA: He is right, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he's wrong.

ALL: You think?

CHANDLER: Oh-no, he's right.


JOEY: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.

GUY: What?!

JOEY: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn't, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny 'til I started feeling like I was in a coffin.


JOEY: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!!


CHIP: So you still in touch with anyone from high school?

MONICA: Umm. Well, there's Rachel, and umm, I think that's it. How bout you?

CHIP: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.

MONICA: Is that all?

CHIP: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman.

MONICA: Ohh, how is he?

CHIP: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie.


CHANDLER: What the hell happened?! How were you locked in?! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!

JOEY: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man!

CHANDLER: So--You got in voluntarily?!

JOEY: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do?

CHANDLER: BEND OVER?!


MONICA: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, 'cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don't even know where you work?

CHIP: You know where I work!

MONICA: I do?

CHIP: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time.

MONICA: You still work at the multiplex?

CHIP: Oh, like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room.

MONICA: Thanks, I'm set. Do you still live with your parents?

CHIP: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.


RACHEL: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo.

JOEY: Aww, man, he took the five of spades!!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is!


MONICA: Oh my God! What happened?

CHANDLER: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!!!


ROSS: Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say?

CHANDLER: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."


MONICA: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.

PHOEBE: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right?

CHANDLER, MONICA, JOEY, and RACHEL: That's a good call. Right.

ROSS: No! No! Look--Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat!

PHOEBE: Ross, how many parents have you lost?

ROSS: None.

PHOEBE: Okay, then you don't know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I'm wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.


ROSS: I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Okay.

ROSS: I don't know what to say.

RACHEL: You could... say you're sorry to her mom.

PHOEBE: I think she would like that.

ROSS: Come here, here, come here, come here, Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend's mother.

PHOEBE: Thank you. We both forgive you.


RACHEL: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl?

PHOEBE: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you're welcome to come back anytime.

CHANDLER: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it.




transcribed by Eric Aasen

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